Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness

by Steve Magness

when a player experienced a highly abusive leadership style, the player’s entire career trajectory was shifted a notch downward. Not only did their performance drop off, but the coach’s style rubbed off on the players. Players who experienced an abusive leadership style had more technical fouls, an indicator of aggression, throughout the remainder of their careers. Keep in mind, these were players from the NBA, paid millions of dollars to win games. The researchers gave away their opinion of such coaching styles in the title of their pa...

The leader sets the tone, creating an environment that can either support or thwart athletes’ basic needs. When those in charge choose the path of thwarting via control and power, subordinates’ motivation shifts to pressure and fear. We see increases not only in aggression, but also in burnout, and we see decreases in performance and well-being. Controlling coaching and leading don’t just harm performance; it harms the person.

leading via needs satisfaction helps create tougher, healthier, happier humans. As sports psychologist Laura Healy reported, “When athletes perceive their coaches to be more autonomy supportive, they report greater satisfaction of their basic psychological needs, and consequently strive for their goals with higher autonomous motives.”

Fear is easy to instill. Trust is much harder. Instead of relying on fear and control, real toughness is linked to self-directed learning, feeling competent in your skills, being challenged but allowed to fail, and above all, feeling cared for by the team or organization.

If we take Deci and Ryan’s self-determination theory and put a performance spin on it, then we’re left with three key needs that leaders have to satisfy: Being supported, not thwarted: having input, a voice, and a choice The ability to make progress and to grow Feeling connected to the team and mission; feeling like you belong

In supportive environments, choice and ownership take center stage. When Kerr handed over the coaching reins, he was doing just that. Letting the team know that they were important and that he trusted them. Research shows that when leaders adopt such a model, their subordinates have better coping skills, are more self-confident, and are rated as more coachable.

When researchers at Eastern Washington University compared coaches utilizing either servant (supportive) or power (thwarting) styles in sixty-four NCAA track teams, the athletes under the servant leader scored higher on measures of mental toughness and ran faster on the track. In the workplace, the story is much the same. In a recent study of over one thousand office workers, the strongest predictor of how well they dealt with the challenges of demanding work was whether they felt respected and valued by their managers.

Being able to see yourself grow is a fundamental human need. As leaders, we need to create environments that allow people to see a brighter future that includes growth and mastery. That means providing pathways for moving up in the workplace and multiple different ways on which to judge success and growth.

The final key to developing competence in the workplace is the ability to take risks and potentially fail.

Cultivating an environment that allows for progress and competence has the following characteristics: A challenging but supportive environment The ability to take risks and voice your opinion without fear being the dominant motivator A path that shows the way for growth and improvement in your job or field

Research shows that purpose and persistence are linked in the classroom, workplace, and athletic fields. When we have a purpose, we are able not only to endure and persist but also to provide a beacon that reminds us of what’s important and to make the right decision at the right moment.

Purpose is the fuel that allows you to be tough.

“The unshakeable belief in an unconditional meaning to life that, one way or another, makes life bearable. Because we have experienced the reality that human beings are truly prepared to starve if starvation has a purpose or meaning.”