Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness

by Steve Magness

We’ve prioritized external displays over true inner strength. And there are consequences.

What does a child who was taught to follow the rules unquestioningly out of fear do when a parent isn’t there to dictate his behavior?

This young man didn’t want to work harder because he wanted to get better, to win the game, or for some sort of internal reason. He wanted to avoid punishment.

We’ve been conditioned to see the external as more important than the internal, and that putting on a facade of toughness (“I’m not afraid of anything!”) is more important than how we handle difficult times.

Fake toughness creates fragility, responding out of fear, suppressing what we feel, and attempting to press onward no matter the situation or demands.

Toughness is having the space to make the right choice under discomfort.

Real toughness is experiencing discomfort or distress, leaning in, paying attention, and creating space to take thoughtful action. It’s navigating discomfort to make the best decision you can.