Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness

by Steve Magness

Instead, real toughness is experiencing discomfort or distress, leaning in, paying attention, and creating space to take thoughtful action. It’s maintaining a clear head to be able to make the appropriate decision. Toughness is navigating discomfort to make the best decision you can. And research shows that this model of toughness is more effective at getting results than the old one.

“The results of this study seem to suggest that the ‘keys’ to promoting mental toughness do not lie in this autocratic, authoritarian, or oppressive style. It appears to lie, paradoxically, with the coach’s ability to produce an environment, which emphasizes trust and inclusion, humility, and service.”

Toughness is having the space to make the right choice under discomfort.

Real toughness is experiencing discomfort or distress, leaning in, paying attention, and creating space to take thoughtful action. It’s navigating discomfort to make the best decision you can.

Toughness is about embracing the reality of where we are and what we have to do. Not deluding ourselves, filling ourselves with a false confidence, or living in denial. All of that simply sends us sprinting off the line, only to slow to a walk once reality hits. Being tough begins long before we enter the arena or walk on stage. It starts with our expectations.

Research consistently shows that tougher individuals are able to perceive stressful situations as challenges instead of threats.

Our appraisal of a situation as a threat or as a challenge depends on the perceived demands of that stressor versus our perceived abilities to handle them. Do we have the resources to handle the demands?

Embrace reality. Accurate appraisal of demands + accurate appraisal of our abilities.

Wilt’s message was a simple one that’s been repeated by coaches for generations: trust your training, trust your fitness. These simple phrases are meant to relay a much more profound lesson: that true confidence is founded in doing the work.

What you’re after is a dash of self-awareness and reflection combined with a secure sense of who you are.

And that’s the key to true confidence. Acknowledging the good and bad, our weaknesses and strengths. Living with and dealing with reality instead of putting on a front. Setting our own standards.

Our level of control changes how we respond to stress. When we have a sense of control, our alarm is quieter and easier to shut off.

When we don’t have control, we lose the capacity to cope. It’s when we have a choice that toughness is trained.

If we want to develop tough individuals, we’ve got to put them in a position to make decisions, and empower them to do just that. For far too long, we’ve trained helplessness.

Here’s why listening to our emotions is essential to true toughness: they are telling us important information. Our feelings and emotions aren’t merely the fuel gauge in our car, but more like the little indicator that tells you about how many miles you have left to drive before the tank is empty.

Feelings are subject to distortion. They depend on context and interpretation. The better we’re able to interpret, the better our ultimate decision.

Feelings send a message, conveying information and nudging us toward a behavior.

Poor interoception → Poor predictions → Lower toughness and worse decision making

In an essay on emotional care, author and philosopher Alain de Botton suggested, “A good internal voice is rather like (and just as important as) a genuinely decent judge: someone who can separate good from bad but who will always be merciful, fair, accurate in understanding what’s going on, and interested in helping us deal with our problems.”

“A spiritual virtue, upekkha means equanimity in the face of the fluctuations of worldly fortune. It is evenness of mind, unshakeable freedom of mind, a state of inner equipoise that cannot be upset by gain and loss, honor and dishonor, praise and blame, pleasure and pain.”

One group of psychologists believe that rumination occurs when we have a narrow and inflexible focus of attention. We become so focused on a singular aspect (e.g., a comment our boss or coworker made) that we can’t break away from that thought or sensation.

Experiencing rumination? You’ve got narrow thinking, narrow attention, and constrained behavioral response. Attention, thought, and action all line up to lock into a cycle that is difficult to get out of.

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If we find ourselves getting narrow, counteract by going broad.

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The best performers tend to have a flexible and adaptive coping ability. They can bounce between different strategies, depending on the demands of the situation.

Flexibility to use different strategies Capacity to be able to utilize them

Equanimity is about creating the space to be able to respond. And sometimes, that means choosing to flip the switch.

When we satisfy our needs, we are allowed to fulfill our potential. Satisfying our basic needs is the fuel that allows us to put to work all of the tools we’ve developed to be tough.

If we take Deci and Ryan’s self-determination theory and put a performance spin on it, then we’re left with three key needs that leaders have to satisfy: Being supported, not thwarted: having input, a voice, and a choice The ability to make progress and to grow Feeling connected to the team and mission; feeling like you belong

Purpose is the fuel that allows you to be tough.

When we explore instead of avoid, we are able to integrate the experience into our story. We’re able to make meaning out of struggle, out of suffering. Meaning is the glue that holds our mind together, allowing us to both respond and recover.