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Public grief is tricky to negotiate. At a certain point, and it varies depending on the person and circumstance, there comes a time when you should be “over it.” You should have moved on by now. And you’re so aware of the fact that you have not, that you cannot. You don’t want others to see your past-due tears or sense the pain that has outstayed its welcome. You protect them from feeling awkward because you’re still in pain. When the facade fails and you lose it, the stares soaked in sympathy are as bad as the ones filled with contempt. I know the aftertaste of such meltdowns well, have
...more
And tenuous? I’ve laid a foundation for my mental health: habits and practices that keep me well. If I feel unwell, I know what to do. When I can’t solve it on my own, I have people in my life now who won’t let me stay down. Dr. Abrams, Soledad, Hendrix. Josiah.
Yes, yes you have
Doesn’t want me taking the risk of carrying another child.
Should've thought about this when ya'll were playing the no condom game
Would Josiah move back in with us if I was pregnant? The warmth of that thought penetrates the residual cold from my walk in the snow. A fierce desire thaws the icy fear in my heart. I want him home. How could I have ever thought he belonged anywhere else?
He probably will but this isn't a positive. Doing something for the right reasons isn't the same as wanting it.
One—if I’m pregnant, I’ll deal with the risks and the hormones and the doctor’s orders. I have the tools and I know how to use them.
This is... argh... you are not the only one who'd have to handle the risks. This is such irresponsible thinking especially when there are kids involved who could face worse than another sibling loss.
Mommy and Daddy still like to fuck, but that’s as far as it goes. Got it? Good. Is that even true? Is that as far as it goes?
You know it isn't
I kiss the top of her head and release her. “I’m gonna go catch your mom up on the Charlotte trip.” “Oh, is that what you call it, Daddy?” She air-quotes and quips, “‘Catching her up?’”
Lmao she's got him there
Our conversation backstage confirmed that we’re exclusive, but we still have easy exits. As soon as one of us feels it should end, it can. My arms tighten around her.
Heh...
wanted a vasectomy as soon as the doctor told us the risks. Yasmen begged me not to get one, and her grief was so deep, I didn’t press. Now I wish I had.
No time like the present
“Birth control, yeah. I’m not pregnant. I just thought…being so late, I had to make sure. My cycle actually started last night.”
Oh good
“I know what the doctor said,” she continues. “I’m not saying I have to carry children. Adopt? Foster?”
Yes, this is better
“This isn’t what we agreed on,” I remind her quietly. “We said this isn’t a reconciliation.”
Exactly
“Nah.” I shove my hands into my pockets. “Doesn’t work like that. You sent me away. It’s not as simple as me just coming home.”
He's got a point. . .
“I think on some level, I knew it was a mistake as soon as you left. On some level, even though we were fighting all the time, I still wanted you here.”
“And I don’t blame you for everything that went wrong. I told you that. It was unhealthy the way I dealt with the shit that happened. And to make matters worse, when you asked me to go to therapy, I refused.”
Yes, stop letting her blame herself for everything
“I did try,” she says, emotion clogging her voice. “I tried and tried, but I couldn’t save us and save myself.”
“I was losing both battles, Si.” Tears trickle down her cheeks. “The fight for us and the fight for me. I didn’t even want to live.” She clamps her hand over her mouth like the words barged out of her without permission.
No, tell him all of it. Be honest.
You don’t love me anymore? Her answer that night shattered me in a way nothing else ever has, and as emotionally obtuse as I am sometimes, even I recognize I never recovered from that conversation.
That... hurts. Asked that question myself long ago and was left broken.
“I want it to lead you back to me. Back here. I want to earn your trust again. I want to talk openly and do it better this time. To do it right.”
<3
I want you back. I want you back. I want you back. My emotions are rioting. Confusion and frustration. Hope. Fear.
I stare at her and bark out a laugh. “So you had a pregnancy scare with a side of epiphany and I’m supposed to believe that changes everything? That night when I asked if you loved me, when it mattered so damn much, you weren’t sure.”
Oof... Ouch
“I can’t go back to that night and change what I said, what I felt. I can’t undo the time we were apart. I can’t unbreak your heart.”
Beautiful and sad
“I’d like for you to trust that the person standing in front of you has done the work to get better and to understand how I lost myself. I’ve developed the tools to cope when I inevitably lose more, because losing things you love is a guarantee in this life.”
She curls her fingers into a fist over my heart, and if she asked, I would carve it out of my chest and give it to her.
“Not really,” he says. “Just pleased you’re using therapy to help process life. Considering you showed up to our first session like it was detention, we should at least acknowledge how far we’ve come.”
Definitely come a long way
I’ve never shared the losses, and I see now that was a mistake because it gave them even more power over me.
Poor Josiah
Our traumas, the things that injure us in this life, even over time, are not always behind us.
That's one hell of a powerful line.
“Live long enough,” Dr. Musa says softly, “and you’ll lose people, things. We just need to learn how to deal with it in ways that aren’t isolating or destructive.
And another one... damn
Do people remember the exact moment they fall in love? I’ve learned it’s not one moment, but a million of them.
<3
It’s not a wrecking ball that starts the demolition. It begins with a tremor, a realization that love happens in the fragile context of our mortality.
“I’m glad,” I whisper, so very proud of him and how far he’s come. How far we both have and for how far we still have to go…together.
Epilogue
Oh goood lol needed this cause I need to know things
“Literally!” I laugh. “Deja wanted her own therapist because she didn’t want to be left out, and of course, we’re in family counseling.”
Thank goodness cause I was hoping for this reveal
I’d wonder if I might be pregnant if it weren’t for Josiah snipping that possibility away with a vasectomy a few months ago. It gave him peace of mind knowing we wouldn’t accidentally end up with a high-risk pregnancy, and it solidified a new direction for our family.
Good on Josiah
“I did. I told them we’re starting the adoption classes next week. They’re hyped for it.”
Yeees
“There’s no beginning and no end.” He takes the ring and holds it up between us. “It’s our own eternity.”
