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She wanted to talk about the ache that never went away. The hole in her heart that no one seemed able to fill. She wanted to sob out every fear that tore at her seams. How her deepest want was just to be loved, and how she wasn’t sure anyone ever could.
But admitting that, shining a floodlight on those dark corners of her thoughts, would make all that hurt she kept bottled away more real. More painful. Instead, she straightened her spine, swallowed past the lump in her throat, and looked up to smile at Dr. Koh.
The problem with being self-aware and introspective while also being, admittedly, emotionally damaged was that Indira could reason through her feelings and their source and how they didn’t serve her, but she also couldn’t stop the ruminating circles of feeling them.
Happiness was soft. Uneventful.