How to Live: 27 conflicting answers and one weird conclusion

by Derek Sivers

All misery comes from dependency. If you weren’t dependent on income, people, or technology, you would be truly free. The only way to be deeply happy is to break all dependencies.

You’ve been looking for the best person, place, or career. But seeking the best is the problem. No choice is inherently the best. What makes something the best choice? You. You make it the best through your commitment to it. Your dedication and actions make any choice great.

You think you want more choice and more options. But when you have unlimited choice, you feel worse. When you keep all options open, you’re conflicted and miserable. Your thoughts are divided. Your power is diluted. Your time is thinly spread. Indecision keeps you shallow. Get the deeper pleasure of diving into one choice.

If it’s not important, never do it. If it’s important, do it every day.

Marry. Marry someone full of kindness who is committed to putting you in the center of their life. Marry someone you don’t want to change, who doesn’t want to change you. Someone that doesn’t punish you for mistakes. Someone who sees you as your highest potential. Commit completely.

The actions are obvious. Put money in an investment account and never withdraw. Eat mostly vegetables. Exercise always. Get preventative health checkups. Make time for your relationships.

If you eventually need a permanent home, choose the place you’d want to be if everything goes wrong. Choose a culture that values what you value.

Your memories are a mix of fact and fiction. Your story about an experience overwrites your memory of the actual experience. So use this in your favor. Re-write your past. Embellish adventures. Disempower trauma. Re-write your stories into whatever works for you. Remember only what you want to remember. You have the right to reframe.

Making memories is the most important thing you can do with your life. The more memories you create, the longer and richer your life feels. Making memories is how to live.

Mastery is the best goal because the rich can’t buy it, the impatient can’t rush it, the privileged can’t inherit it, and nobody can steal it. You can only earn it through hard work. Mastery is the ultimate status.

The pursuit of mastery helps you think long-term. It keeps your eyes on the horizon. You resist the temptation of what you want now. You remember the importance of what you want most. You spend time intentionally. Every month has a milestone. Every day has a goal. The most rewarding things in life take years. Only bad things happen quickly.

If you haven’t decided what to master, pick anything that scares you, fascinates you, or infuriates you. Don’t ask, “Is this the real me?” or “Is this my passion?” Those questions lead to endless searching and disappointment. People don’t fail by choosing the wrong path — they fail by not choosing.

You need to understand something very counter-intuitive about goals. Goals don’t improve your future. Goals only improve your present actions. A good goal makes you take action immediately. A bad goal doesn’t. A goal shows what’s right and wrong. What moves you towards your goal is right. What doesn’t is wrong.

During your work time, do nothing but work. Keep your hands on your work, and your mind will follow. If you get stuck, just stop and close your eyes. The vacuum will extract your actions again.

Don’t live somewhere pleasant surrounded by normal people. Live among your fellow freaks, where obsession is normal and ambition is rewarded.

Anyone can be their best when things are going well. But when things go wrong, you see who they really are. Remember the classic story arc of the hero’s journey. The crisis — the most painful moment — defines the hero.

Socially, try to get rejected. Learn about “rejection therapy”. Make audacious requests that you think will be denied. This removes the pain of rejection. And you’ll be surprised how often they say yes.

Since you can’t avoid problems, just find good problems. Happiness isn’t everlasting tranquility. Happiness is solving good problems. That’s why we play games. Games are challenges. Any challenge can be turned into a game.

When people ask the meaning of life, they’re looking for a story. But there is no story. Life is a billion little moments. They’re not a part of anything.

Happiness is something to do, someone to love, and something to desire.

If you’re not embarrassed by what you thought last year, you need to learn more and faster.

Talk with people you usually avoid. Pursue subjects you know nothing about, and experiences unlike anything you’ve done before. If you’re not surprised — if you didn’t feel your brain changing — then you didn’t really learn.

Discipline turns intentions into action. Discipline means no procrastination. Discipline means now. Choose the pain of discipline, not the pain of regret. An undisciplined moment seems harmless, but they add up to disaster. Without discipline, the tiny things in life will be your downfall.

Define a good life as more than shallow pleasure. A good life is contribution. A good life is resisting temptation. A good life is being the best you can be.

To laugh at something is to be superior to it.

Follow the rising tides of where profits are going. Get in early on an industry that’s developing quickly. More risk, more opportunity, more investors, more rewards.

Love is a combination of attention, appreciation, and empathy.

Many times a day, you have the opportunity to connect. You can dash through a place, or stop to appreciate it. You can do an activity absent-mindedly, or pay full attention to every detail of it. (Work is love in action.) You can make shallow small-talk, or really get to know someone. Choose to connect every time.

Beware of the feeling that someone completes you or will save you. You have wounds in your past. You have needs that were ignored. You seek someone to fill these gaps — someone that has traits you crave. But nobody will save you. You have to fill those gaps yourself.

The way to live is to create. Die empty. Get every idea out of your head and into reality. Calling yourself creative doesn’t make it true. All that matters is what you’ve launched. Make finishing your top priority.

When you’re gone, your work shows who you were. Not your intentions. Not what you took in. Only what you put out.

In the end, the highest praise of a life is to say that person “made a difference”. Difference! Do you hear that word? Difference refers to what’s changed. To live a praise-worthy life, to make a difference, you have to make change.

The best tool for a balanced life is the clock. Like a hunter’s dog, the clock will be your best ally. It will guard you, keep your impulses in check, and protect what’s important to you. Schedule everything to ensure balance of your time and effort. Scheduling prevents procrastination, distraction, and obsession. A schedule makes you act according to the goals of your highest self, not your passing mood. Schedule quality time with dear friends. Schedule preventative health checkups. Schedule focused time to learn. Schedule each aspect of your life, ignoring none. List what makes you happy and fulfilled, then schedule those things into your year.