Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

Behavior is a clue to what a child—and, often, an entire family system—is struggling with.

You will not see me recommend time-outs, sticker charts, punishments, rewards, or ignoring as a response to challenging behaviors. What do I recommend? First and foremost, an understanding that behaviors are only the tip of the iceberg, and that below the surface is a child’s entire internal world, just begging to be understood.

our goal is not to shape behavior. Our goal is to raise humans.

Understanding that we’re all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying, “I hate you”). Differentiating who someone is from what they do is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change.

many parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need. What if we saw behavior as an expression of needs, not identity?

But our early years are especially powerful, because our bodies are beginning to wire how we think about and respond to difficult moments, based on how our parents think about and respond to us in our difficult moments.

Let me say that another way: how we talk to ourselves when we are struggling inside—the self-talk of “Don’t be so sensitive” or “I’m overreacting” or “I’m so dumb,” or, alternatively, “I’m trying my best” or “I simply want to feel seen”—is based on how our parents spoke to or treated us in our times of struggle.

Underneath “bad behavior” is always a good child. And yet, when parents chronically shut down a behavior harshly without recognizing the good kid underneath, a child internalizes that they are bad. And badness has to be shut down at all costs, so a child develops methods, including harsh self-talk, to chastise himself, as a way of killing off the “bad kid” parts and instead finding the “good kid” ones—meaning the parts that get approval and connection.

“What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?”

focusing on a child’s impact on us sets the stage for codependence, not regulation or empathy.)

Self-regulation skills rely on the ability to recognize internal experience, so by focusing on what’s inside rather than what’s outside, we are building in our children the foundation of healthy coping.

If we want our kids to have true self-confidence and to feel good about themselves, we need to reflect back to our kids that they are good inside, even as they struggle on the outside.

We don’t have to choose between two supposedly oppositional realities. We can avoid punishment and see improved behavior, we can parent with a firm set of expectations and still be playful, we can create and enforce boundaries and show our love, we can take care of ourselves and our children. And similarly, we can do what’s right for our family and our kids can be upset; we can say no and care about our kids’ disappointment.

Building strong connections relies on the assumption that no one is right in the absolute, because understanding, not convincing, is what makes people feel secure in a relationship.

You don’t have to choose between firm decisions and loving validation.

Child: “I hate you! You’re the worst!” Parent: Takes a deep breath. Says to self, “My child is upset inside. His outside behavior is not a true indication of how he feels about me. He’s a good kid having a hard time.” Then says aloud: “I do not appreciate that language . . . you must be really upset, maybe about some other things too, to be talking to me like this. I need a moment to calm my body . . . maybe you do too . . . then let’s talk.”

Our kids should not dictate our boundaries and we should not dictate their feelings.

Boundaries are not what we tell kids not to do; boundaries are what we tell kids we will do.

Children need to sense a parent’s boundary—our “I won’t let you” and our stopping them from dangerous action—in order to feel, deep in their bodies, this message: “This feeling might seem as if it will take over and destroy the world, it might seem too much, and yet I am sensing in my parent’s boundary that there is a way to contain it. This feeling feels scary and overwhelming to me, but I can see it’s not scary or overwhelming to my parent.” Over time, children absorb this containment and can access it on their own.

the way parents interact with kids in their early years forms the blueprint they take with them into the world.

Feeling satisfied with oneself, tolerant of failure, firm in boundaries, capable of self-advocacy, and connected with others . . . all of these important adult dynamics come from our early wiring. The first years of life set the stage for the next hundred.

There’s a deep and critical paradox here: The more we can rely on a parent, the more curious and explorative we can be.

You have your brave self, your anxious self, your confident self, your deferential self. You are multifaceted, not any one thing. And none of these parts are bad or worse than or superior to another—you are the sum of all of them, and the more comfortable you are when any of these parts “acts up,” the more at home you’ll be with yourself across a variety of situations. Our confidence and sturdiness and sense of self depend on our ability to understand this. When we feel overwhelmed and become reactive, it’s almost always because one part of us has essentially taken over; we lose track of our identity and instead “become” these feelings. The language of “parts” allows us to articulate, internally and externally, our conflicting—or at least coexisting—emotions: to feel grounded while experiencing distress, to feel centered while also being conflicted, to have angry thoughts while knowing we are a good person.

And it’s also not too late for you. It’s not too late for you to consider what parts of yourself are in need of repair and reconnection; as adults, we can work on rewiring ourselves and changing the trajectory of our own development. It is not too late. It’s never ever ever too late.

when we have kids, we are confronted with so many truths about ourselves, our childhoods, and our relationships with our families of origin. And while we can use this information to learn and unlearn, break cycles, and heal, we have to do this work while also caring for our kids, managing tantrums, getting by on limited sleep, and feeling depleted.

Children who are left alone with intense distress often rely on one of two coping mechanisms: self-doubt and self-blame.

Mommy was having big feelings that came out in a yelling voice. Those were my feelings and it’s my job to work on managing them better. It’s never your fault when I yell and it’s not your job to figure out how I can stay calmer. I love you”) instead

When your child sees you as a work in progress, he learns that he, too, can learn from his struggles and take responsibility when he acts in a way he isn’t proud of.

When we are busy exerting extrinsic control over our children’s external behavior, we sacrifice teaching these critical internal skills.

Given that children’s survival is dependent on attachment, their bodies read shame as: “Ultimate danger! Ultimate danger!”

shame makes any situation more combustible. The

Shame is sticky; it stagnates us. Connection is opening; it allows for movement.

Parents often fear that telling their kids the truth will be too scary or overwhelming, but we tend to have it all wrong when it comes to what scares children. It’s not information so much as feeling confused and alone in the absence of information that terrifies them.

behavior is never the problem; it’s only the symptom.

when parents struggle with their kids, it almost always boils down to one of two problems: children don’t feel as connected to their parents as they want to, or children have some struggle or unmet need they feel alone with.

Having a healthy amount of connection capital leads kids to feel confident, capable, safe, and worthy. And these positive feelings on the inside lead to “good” behavior on the outside—behavior like cooperation, flexibility, and regulation.

With emotional vaccination, we connect with our children before a big-feelings moment, thereby strengthening regulation skills before our child needs to use them.

The next time your child tells you about a difficult feeling, remind yourself: “Sit with him. Sit down on this bench without making any attempt to pull him off.

“I love you. I love you the same no matter how you’re feeling and no matter what is happening in your life.”

The single most important strategy in regard to listening is to connect to your child in their world before you ask them to do something in your world. A child has to feel seen before they’re able to switch out of something that feels good to them (drawing or playing with clay, for example) and fulfill a request that’s a priority for you (like cleaning up the art supplies). Feeling seen is a powerful bonding tool, and feeling close to someone motivates us to want to cooperate with them. When we verbally acknowledge what our child is doing in the moment, it’s as if we’re saying, “I see you: you are a real person with real wants and thoughts and feelings.”

“Listening is really cooperation, and cooperation comes from connection.”

we cannot encourage subservience and compliance in our kids when they’re young and expect confidence and assertiveness when they’re older.

we want our kids to be able to recognize their wants and needs as adults, then we need to start seeing tantrums as an essential part of their development.

So the next time your child starts “losing it,” before you do anything else, tell yourself: “Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with my child. I can cope with this.”

Kids come into the world fully able to feel and experience, and yet not at all able to regulate the intensity of their feelings and experiences.

“Contain, contain, contain. I’m doing all I can do. I’m doing enough. Contain, contain, contain.”

Loud, chaotic tantrums need calm, steady voices.

parents need to accept that their kids have a range of feelings about their siblings.

dedicated alone time for each child to spend with a parent. The more secure a child feels with their parents, the more they can view a sibling as a playmate and not a rival.

“We Don’t Do Fair, We Do Individual Needs”