Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

by Becky Kennedy

there’s a longer-term reason why we don’t want to aim for “fairness” in our families: we want to help our kids orient inward to figure out their needs, not orient outward.

“It’s so hard to see your brother get new shoes. Can you get new ones? Not right now, sweetie. In this family, every kid gets what they need—and your shoes are still in great shape. You’re allowed to be upset. I get it.”

Step In When There’s Danger, Slow Down and Narrate When There’s Not

We do not reinforce bad behavior by skipping punishment. The idea that if we “let a child get away with this,” they will learn it is “okay to talk to their parents like that” . . . well, this assumes a very negative view of human behavior, one that I don’t buy into.

When kids talk back or meet us with pushback, parents often want to disconnect from them. Yet what our kids need most in these periods are efforts to reconnect. Deep down, a child in a stage full of rudeness and defiance is screaming out: “I don’t think you understand something big inside me. I need you to try to understand, to want to be around me, to see me as a good kid inside. This doesn’t mean allowing me to behave in any way I’d like; it means wondering with me about why I’m acting this way and trying to find ways to reconnect.”

“This is dysregulation, not disrespect,”

“Nothing feels good, huh? Nothing feels like you want it to. I get that, sweetie. Some moments are like that.”

We cannot change a behavior we don’t understand, and punishment, threats, and rage are never components in environments that foster understanding or change.

Reframe the Lie as a Wish

Children don’t exaggerate their fears or make them up for attention. They experience panicky feelings inside their bodies and need adult help in order to feel safe again.

What will help your child feel safe is sensing your presence; it’s the aloneness in the fear, after all, that’s the scariest part. In other words, kids need less logic, more connection.

You cannot just “get rid” of anxiety. Anxiety can only be effectively managed by increasing our tolerance for it, allowing it to exist, and understanding its purpose. This makes space for other emotions to emerge, thereby preventing the anxiety from taking over.

If we aren’t willing to name and discuss a situation that our child feels anxious about, it tells our child that we must be anxious about it as well, and this only adds to his anxiety. Dry runs give parents an opportunity to show that we think a challenging situation is conquerable, and they give children opportunities to practice how they will react when the “real thing” happens.

“I’m so glad we’re talking about this. This is really important stuff.”

Hesitation and shyness are not problems to fix.

It’s about seeing our kids for who they are and what they need as separate from who we are and what we need.

So what is confidence, and how does it relate to shyness or hesitance? For me, confidence is the experience of knowing how you feel and believing it’s okay to be yourself, in that feeling, in that moment. A child who isn’t sure they want to join and observes on the side for a while—this can be a form of confidence. And confidence-building for hesitant kids comes from having caregivers who say, “I’m here. Take your time.”

If you notice that your child’s shyness or hesitation or clinginess bothers you, remind yourself that a child’s willingness to not join the crowd is probably a trait you’ll value in her later on. Try to do a 180 on your interpretation of shyness, and experiment with telling yourself: “My child knows who he is and what is and isn’t comfortable, even in the face of others’ acting differently. How bold, how awesome, how confident!”

“You’ll know when you’re ready to ___.” This communicates that you trust your child, which will teach them to trust themself, and self-trust is the essence of confidence.

a child who always stays on the sidelines and struggles to separate must feel incredibly frozen, anxious, and out of their element. They may need a break from larger group gatherings altogether. This isn’t collusion, it’s not “encouraging” shyness—it might just be meeting your child where they are.

Avoid Labeling Our kids will always respond to the versions of themselves we reflect back. When we label kids, saying things like “Oh, she’s shy” or “He never likes to talk to grown-ups, he’s really reserved,” we lock them into roles with a type of rigidity that makes growth difficult. Instead of labeling, provide a generous interpretation of your child’s behavior, especially if someone else smacks on a label.

If we want our kids to develop frustration tolerance, we have to develop tolerance for their frustration.

the most impactful thing we can do with our kids is to show up in a calm, regulated, non-rushed, non-blaming, non-outcome-focused way—both when they are performing difficult tasks and when they are witnessing us perform difficult tasks.

Keep in mind, our kids are learning all day every day . . . and learning isn’t easy.

Deep Breaths

‘This feels hard because it is hard, not because I’m doing something wrong.’

“I can do it” or “I like to be challenged” or “I can do hard things” or “This is tricky and I can stay with it.”

Frame Frustration as a Sign of Learning, Not a Sign of Failure

Growth Mindset Family Values

Think in Terms of Coping, Not Success

Parent’s job: decide what food is offered, where it is offered, when it is offered Child’s job: decide whether and how much to eat of what’s offered

minimizing anxiety around food is more important than consumption of food.

Remember, children are in charge of so little—often, the only thing truly under their control is what goes into their bodies. Eating and potty training are areas where parents really have to check in with their own desire to control so that they can give their children the freedom they need.

I’ll always offer at least one thing that you like so that eating never feels stressful.

Remind yourself what you know to be true: “I know that my child feels safe with one of the foods I offered. It’s not their favorite but it’s a legitimate option. My job is serving and their job is deciding; this isn’t pretty but we are both doing our jobs.” Remind yourself you don’t need agreement: “I don’t need my child to agree with me.” Give permission for your child to be upset: “You’re allowed to be upset.”

Name the wish: “You wish we could have ___ for dinner instead . . .” or “You wish you were in charge of every food choice.” Separate your child’s protest from your decision: “My child’s protest/tantrum doesn’t mean I’m making a bad decision. And it doesn’t mean I’m a bad or cold parent.” Remind yourself and your child of your job: “My job as a parent is to make decisions that I think are good for you, even when I know you’re not going to like them.”

underneath perfectionism is always an emotion regulation struggle.

there’s nothing wrong with your child and there’s nothing wrong with you.

“I often feel overwhelmed by my emotions and I worry that they overwhelm others—that’s why I enter into these intense fear/attack states. Please bear with me and hold steady so I can learn that I’m lovable and good and will be okay in this world.”

self-reflection is brave and difficult, and working on yourself while you’re raising young kids is incredibly grueling. It feels hard . . . because it is hard.