Invisible Storm: A Soldier's Memoir of Politics and PTSD – The Brutally Honest New York Times Bestseller About Depression, Suicidal Crisis, and Choosing Healing

by Jason Kander

He looked skeptical, or maybe he was suppressing a chuckle. “Who told you that you could run for president?” At that point, I went from feeling mortified that everyone else had recognized me here to feeling irritated that this guy didn’t believe me. “I don’t know what to tell you, man,” I said. “I mean, I spent an hour and a half talking it over one-on-one with Obama in his office, and he seemed to think it was a pretty good idea.” The doctor sat back in his chair. “Barack Obama told you that you could run for president?” He tapped his notebook a couple of times with his pen, then pursed his lips. “So how often would you say you hear voices?”

Winning didn’t feel like I thought it would. Countless times since getting into the race, I’d imagined what this moment would be like, and yes, the feeling would be elation. It would be like travel ball years ago, when I’d come in as a late-inning reliever in some little town in Kansas or Iowa or Nebraska and get a clutch out in a close game. I remembered that feeling—that joy. But I couldn’t feel it now. What I experienced was relief. I wasn’t going to die tonight.