June First

by Jennifer Hartmann

“I wished for your mom to come back.”

Am I making it worse? Is she deteriorating without me? Holy shit… am I killing her?

I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry for shutting you out. I’m sorry for kissing you back. I’m sorry for loving you all wrong.

“He told me he found you crying on my bedroom floor, curled up in the fetal position.”

I’ll be stronger than my feelings. I’ll take care of her like Theo asked me to.

It grew wings. And the only way to prevent wings from soaring, from flying too high to where danger is imminent, is to clip them.

Then everything fell to pieces, starting with a kiss and ending with a funeral.

I rely on an inhaler and a man I crossed a deadly line with just to breathe. Without either of those things, I would wither away into nothing.

Only, my dreams died the day Theo died. And if I leave Brant behind, far more than just my dreams will die, too.

Brant: I’m still that same boy who loves you with everything he is,

Realizing and knowing that they may not rise… They may not soar… But clipped wings can still fly.

“I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but the thought of another man putting his hands on you makes me borderline murderous.”

I love him more than I love breathing.

I stay. And I wonder if I’ll ever leave.

I haven’t had sex in years because I’m in love with someone I shouldn’t be in love with. Someone I can’t have.

“I’m just saying, friend to friend, that there are worse things than loving the wrong person.” I stare at him, waiting, my stomach twisting into knots. “And that’s losing them.”

Deep within her crystalline stare, I see a love that burns stronger than any wicked firestorm threatening to torch us into cinders.

Then we say it at the same time: “Like home.”

June curls into me with effortless ease, as if it’s where she’s always belonged.

June. My sweetest blessing and greatest sin.

June was a virgin.

“Were you saving this for me?” She cries out, thighs clenching tight. “Yes.”

“Hurt you? Steal away your innocence? Make you bleed?” “Heal me. Accept my innocence as a gift I gave you. Make me come… twice.”

“But why would you give it up to me when you know we can never be together? That’s not special, June. That’s heartbreaking.”

“Sure it is. I’ll go first.” I clear my throat with a flair of dramatics. “Hi, Brant. I love you. I think we should be together,”

“I’m terrified of ruining you for the poor bastard who has the unfortunate burden of loving you after me; that when you finally let him kiss you, all he’ll taste is my ashes. When he brings you to his bed, it’s my name you’ll scream.

“You ruined me the day you met me, Brant Elliott. I was born yours.”

Strong arms that have kept me safe my whole life. Broad shoulders that have carried my added weights. A chest that holds a warrior’s heart.

“You don’t understand what this is doing to me. It’s tearing me apart.”

He gathers me into his arms, so close, so vulnerable, and he trembles beside me as emotion funnels through him and warm tears rain down on my shoulder.

“When the day comes and you regret this,” he murmurs softly into my neck, his voice cracking, “I pray you can forgive me.”

Every morning this week, I’ve woken up with my arms full of June. My heart full of June.

Or is strength in letting June go, because I know—I know—she’s meant for so much more than a shadowed existence? She’s meant to fly free. She’s meant to burn bright. She’s meant to outshine every shadow.

“I think about where it could have flown, and the life it could have lived… if I had just had the courage to let it go.”

“It’s like I’m trying to bury us deeper into the dirt, until we sink, until there’s no way out. Because I don’t want to find a way out.”

“God, June… I don’t want you to be my filthy little secret. You’re better than this.” “I’m meant for this.”

I’m lucky to have something so good in my life, washing away all the bad.

Today is just another tragedy.

“We were broken before we even began.”

You always needed to be near him. And when you weren’t near him, you were talking about him. You’ve held a torch for Brant your whole life, and I just prayed it would burn out before it burned you both.”

“There is no sense in love,” I counter, swiping away more tears. “It’s a senseless thing.”

It just… happened. Because that’s what love does. It happens. It sneaks up on you, and then it burrows. It festers in your blood. And once it’s in your blood, you can’t just flush it out. It’s a part of you now.

I don’t love that I fell for the one person I shouldn’t have.

We’re that first crack. Me and Brant. One wrong move, one misstep, and we’re going under. We’re going to drown. And I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry I let you down, and I’m sorry for loving you in the worst possible way.

“It’s a good day to save someone,” I whisper, my fingertips skimming along the carving of his name, “And I think, in the end… it might just save us both.”

“I’m trying to be strong because I know this is what’s best for you,” he confesses, his voice cracking on every word. “But I’m not built for this, June. I’m not built for a life without you.”

“What if my place is with you?” “Then I’m here. I’ll be waiting.”

“The downside is, the more love you have, the harder it is to lose it.”

“We’ll never lose it. I’ve been yours since the day I was born, and I’ll be yours until the day I die. Distance doesn’t change destiny.”