Excuse Me While I Disappear: Tales of Midlife Mayhem

by Laurie Notaro

I’ve seen so much stuff that I had to purge 90 percent of my childhood memories from my brain in order to make room for passwords and PINs.

You should never trust a junkie, no matter how blue their eyes are.

He glanced over at me with a disgusted look, thinking I was just an old lady in a beat-up Prius. He looked quite shocked when I rolled the window down and screamed, “Fuck yourself, hillbilly!” Old lady ghosts aren’t supposed to say that.

People act poorly because other people have let them act poorly, and they have been able to get away with it for a lifetime.