I woke up and my inner thighs were stuck together like two raw chicken breasts. Prying them apart took a good deal of effort and involved a lot of whimpering. I nearly required skin grafts to repair the resulting damage. Your body is slowly melting, and it will continue to do so until the day you die. It is losing its ability to remain upright, and, like plastic wrap, will cling to the closest object. But it’s fine. Like raw chicken, you must simply dredge yourself in flour. All areas of contact will need a hearty dusting twice daily—especially after showering.
