Always Mine (Honey Mountain, #1)

by Laura Pavlov

“I, uh, I guess I forgot about some of those things,” she whispered and tucked her hair behind her ears. “You forgot about them? I’ll bet if they happened to you, you wouldn’t forget, Jada. And as far as him working all the time, do you realize that a huge bulk of his income goes to covering Mabel’s school and your rent? So instead of throwing stones, I’d be real thankful that you have a brother who would literally do anything for you. A brother who gave up his chance to play football and go away to school to stay and help take care of you.”

“You’re right, Vivi. Niko has been more like a father to me than a brother. I forget sometimes that he’s not, you know?” I squeezed her hand. “I know, Jada. But he’s your brother. And he went through a lot as a kid, and I know he doesn’t talk about it, but I remember. And I know you remember because you were there too.” “I do. I used to hide in my room and Niko would tell me everything was fine the next day, so I guess I just like to pretend that it was. Our family is so messed up, it’s easier to pretend.” I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her. “Your family is not messed up, Jada. Your dad is an asshole, no doubt about it. But your brother has his shit together enough for everyone. And you have an amazing little girl who loves you.” “That’s true. It’s shocking that I made that little angel, isn’t it?” I chuckled as she pulled back. “She is a little angel.”

“All right. Hey, do you mind if I take a box of cookies over to the firehouse? I kind of want to hug my brother right now.” She swiped at the tears coming down her face and giggled nervously. “Absolutely. Let me help you box that up. They like the cupcakes too.”

looked up to see Niko watching me. His gray eyes scanning my body like I was his next meal. I sure hoped I was. I smiled and waved, and he tipped his chin up, but his heated gaze never left mine.

“Dude, that’s Cap’s daughter. Put your eyes back in your head.”

“Sorry, I um, sorry, Vivian, I didn’t mean to stare.” “Have some fucking manners,” Niko hissed. Dylan barked out a laugh. “Oh yeah, because this is about manners.”

“You cheated on me with her, and you’re marrying her. I would think she would feel fairly secure.”

“Friends don’t betray one another, Jansen. Listen, we weren’t happy, and I was more than aware of that. I was coming that night to end things. So, trust me when I tell you that I’m not upset that things ended. But the fact that you didn’t have enough respect to just tell me that you were carrying on with her, I can’t tell you that it didn’t hurt. It did. So, I don’t know how to be your friend right now.”

“And who ran and got Niko?” Vivian had her hands on her hips and turned to look at me before looking back at her sisters. “Sorry, Vivi. He seemed like he was getting a little aggressive and I got worried.” Ashlan tore off a piece of garlic bread and popped it in her mouth.

“No. I’m not having second thoughts. And do you know why, Niko?” “Why?” “Because I think I stayed in that relationship for years because it was convenient.

Because it was the only relationship that allowed me to spend all my time with you because my boyfriend didn’t live here. Because it’s always been you.”

“Can’t be me, Honey Bee. You know that.” “I’m not asking you to marry me, Niko. I’m asking you to give us a chance. No more secrets. I want to give it a real try, because these p...

Here we go. This was what I feared. I’d ruined the best thing in my life.

“You’re betting on the wrong horse, Vivi. Can’t be what you want. What you need. What you fucking deserve.” “What are you so afraid of?” she shouted, startling us both. “This. Hurting you. Failing you.” “So, you’d rather not try because it might not work? That’s your logic?” “If that’s how you want to look at it. I am not who you fucking want. And I don’t need you talking to my sister about what happened between me and my dad. She talked to me today about what you said to her. I don’t want to fucking talk about that shit with Jada, and I don’t need you trying to fix me. You can’t change me. I am who I am.”

“You’re mad that I talked to your sister. You’re mad that Jansen came by. Why not just say that? Instead, you’re looking for any reason to run. You’re a coward, Niko.” “You might be right. But either way, this end...

“You know what happens to the guy who sits on the sidelines, don’t you?”

Gramps finished chewing and looked right at me. “He stays on the sidelines because he’s afraid of the game.” The whole table erupted in laughter and Rook and Little Dicky looked between me and Gramps. “Maybe some of us aren’t into games.” “Perhaps. Or they’re just afraid to play,” Gramps said before biting off half a piece of bacon and eating ridiculously slow as we waited for him to finish his thought. “But life is boring on the sidelines.”

“I personally like the game,” Hog said as he reached for his juice. “I’m not even sure what the fuck we’re talking about?”

“What is this, Ev? I thought you worked with athletes.” “I do. But I’m equipped to work with anyone. And while I wait for interviews, I need to keep myself sharp.” “But don’t you basically deal with athletes that are having mental blocks? Struggling to get back in the game.” “Sure. But all people experience mental blocks. Different forms of trauma, right? Are you inept from all of that? Life is just too perfect?” That rubbed me wrong, and I barked out a sarcastic laugh. “Far from it. But I don’t know what you talking to me is going to fix.”

“Just because someone listens and empathizes with you doesn’t mean they’re trying to fix you. You seem to have a real hang-up with that. With people wanting to fix you, huh? Trauma is trauma, Niko.” “Trauma is part of life. Shit happens. I don’t need to be fixed.” “So, let’s talk about what’s going on with you and my sister,” she said, and leaned back in the chair like this wasn’t the least bit uncomfortable.

“Nothing’s going on with your sister.” I cleared my throat because the topic made me uncomfortable. “And why is that? Best friends who love each other. She’s finally done with that jerk, Jansen. And you don’t take your shot?” “Jesus,” I shouted and pushed to my feet, pacing around the room as I ran my hands through my hair. Why was everyone riding me today? “There is no shot to ta...

“I’m going to tell you something and I really want you to hear me, Niko. You are correct… trauma is a part of life. Shit does happen. We lost our mom far too soon, and to say that it affected all of our lives is a massive understatement. And yes, we keep moving forward, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect the way that we handle relationships moving forward. But we talk about it. We talk about her all the time.”

“What does that mean, Ev? You want me to tell you that my father’s a piece of shit and my mother isn’t much better? Does that make you feel better? Because it sure as shit doesn’t make me feel better. Living. Fighting fires. Moving forward. That’s what I do.” I moved back to my chair and dropped to sit. It felt good to get it off my chest. “I get that, but you’ll never escape it, Niko. Burying yourself in work is not dealing with it. Facing it. Feeling it. Grieving. Crying. Sharing. It’s a process. But I will tell you this.

Trauma is the ultimate thief. It may have robbed your past, but only you can ...

Maybe I had been sitting on the sidelines, but I wasn’t sure I minded. Never thought I’d wanted more than t...

“Vivi’s just so… good, you know? She dese...

“I couldn’t agree more. I guess the big question is, why don’t you think you’re that person? I don’t know that I’ve ever seen two people who love each other more than the two of you do, not since I was young and saw the marriage my parents had.” “But if I fuck it up, I lose everything.” I scrubbed a hand down my face. “But if you don’t try, you lose everything anyway, right? I mean, she’s not going to stay single forever, Niko. And aside from Jansen...

“I’m not afraid,” I hissed. I hated when people said that. It’s the one thing I had. Never showing fear. “I’m trying to do the right thing.” “For who?” “For her,” I shouted before letting out a long breath of frustration. “...

Dylan stopped in front of me. “Take no shit, Vivi.” “Thank you, ole wise one. I’ve got this.”

I thought about his words, and he was right. We never did share a deep connection. We were always just sort of going through the motions. Jansen Clark had been safe. I had never realized that until now. He couldn’t really hurt me because I wasn’t all in. Never had been. Even when I’d found him in bed with another woman… it stung, but it didn’t devastate me. I wasn’t heartbroken over our relationship ending.

“Listen, Jansen. This isn’t all on you. I think I was in love with Niko for a long time, and my relationship with you was more of a safety net. And with you being long distance, it allowed me that freedom to spend as much time as I wanted with him. I never acted on it. I was never unfaithful to you. But my feelings for Niko are more than friendship, and you and I finally letting things go allowed me to explore that.” He leaned back in his chair. “Really? Wow. I always thought I was crazy paranoid about him. I guess I was onto something.” “I guess you were.” I shrugged. “So, you’re okay, Vivi?” “I am. I’m happy.”

“Oh my. Let me tell you, Miss Vivi… he traded down. The girl is a real piece of work. She keeps sending me fabric swabs to match her florals perfectly. Endless screenshots of Pinterest photos, and she’s all over the place. One minute she wants peonies, and the next she wants roses. She can’t make a decision if her life depends on it.”

“We sure are. She’s a real… what do you kids call it these days… a biotch?”

“Well, good. I’m in a mood and Mr. Winthrop had a colonoscopy yesterday, so he wants all sorts of treats. Do you know what that is? They literally flush the shit right out of you. All of it. And let me tell you… Mr. Winthrop is full of shit.”

Dylan fell back against the wall laughing and Jada did the same. I tried hard not to join in, but it was impossible. I covered my mouth to try to mask it.

“Oh, girls. This is no joke. He eats more hot dogs than any human should ever eat. I can only imagine what they cleared out of him. So… I’ll take a dozen cookies, mix them up, a few of each. I’ll tak...

“Hey, you okay today? You seemed a little off. What happened when you and Niko left last night? I texted you a few times but never heard back, so I guessed you were having some fun.” She wriggled her brows and chuckled. “No. That ship has sailed.” I moved to grab a rag and wiped down the counter.

We were all around the same size, give or take a cup size when it came to our boobs. But we shared clothes and shoes and makeup. Always had.

“You’re not a damn MD. You’ve got a Ph.D. And what’s he going to do? Sue you for telling his bestie that he’s a tortured soul?”

“Listen, you’re one notch away from owning the title of ‘the town crier’ in Honey Mountain, Dilly. As soon as Mrs. Winthrop and Busy Betty pass you the torch.” She laughed. “But I’ll tell you this much. It was good. He opened up a bit. I opened up a bit. And I gave him something to think about.”

“Sure. The main topic was you. Seems you’re very much on your best friend’s mind, Vivi.” She winked. “I say we play suffocation and torture her,” Dylan said, and everyone laughed. “God, I hate that game. You guys almost killed me in high school.” Charlotte shook her head with disbelief. “So sensitive, Charlie. You need a little more fight in you. We were helping you,” Dylan said.

“Well, my favorite part was always suffocating Vivi anyway,” Dylan said. “She was terrifying.” Charlotte shook her head at me, eyes dancing with amusement. “You’d never guess our little Vivi had superhuman strength,” Everly said, swiping at her tears from laughing so hard. “Remember when you chucked Dylan across the room, and she fell against the door.”

The game was ridiculous. We’d each take a turn lying down on the bed and the others would hold you down and put a pillow over your face and see how long you could go. Of course, Dylan invented the game of suffocation, and it killed her that I was always the quickest to break free. I guess in a way I’d learn to survive at a very young age. And I’d survive the hurt I felt over Niko jumping ship the minute things got real. Happily ever after wasn’t meant for everyone.

“Yeah. Those people have to be nice to me. I’m Dad and Grandpa to them. But these kids, they don’t know me from shit, and the way they fire off questions every year like they work for the goddamn CIA. And half the questions have nothing to do with fires. Last year that little girl asked me if I was married. What the hell does that have to do with fire?”

I missed my girl. We hadn’t spoken in several days, since I told her that we needed to end things. I thought it would be better to take some space, but it was the longest I’d ever gone without speaking to her, and I wasn’t okay with it. I hadn’t been sleeping, hell, I barely had an appetite, which was most definitely not the norm. The distance was fucking killing me.

missed her. I missed my friend. And lover.

“Hi, Mabel’s uncle Niko. You’re handsome. Are you married?”

“I love you, Neek, Neek.” She placed her little chubby hands over her heart, and I thought my chest might explode. “I love you too, little bug.”

“Jansen came to see her, and I freaked out. She deserves better than I can give her.” “Sounds like an excuse to run if you ask me. He’s no threat to you. Hell, I never thought he was even when they were together.” I narrowed my gaze, surprised by his words. “I wouldn’t think you’d be okay with it, if I’m being honest. You know me, Jack. You really think I should pursue something that I’ll probably fuck up?” “Damn straight, I know you. You don’t think it’s odd that she dated a guy she didn’t even seem that into for all those years? Come on, Niko. We all see it. We’ve been seeing it for years. And you’ve been pursuing my girl since the first time you climbed through her window.” My eyes widened and I looked away. “Clearly not as stealthy as I thought I was. I hope you know that nothing ever happened back then. I never touched her, and I respected her relationship with Jansen all those years. Hell, it’s Vivi that I respect, and it’s her that I’m trying to protect.”

“I know who you are. I’ve always known. I never worried about that at all. You’ve always had her back, no question there. And I don’t think everyone needs protecting. My daughter is a strong woman, Niko. You know that. But I’ve never seen her happier than when you two are together. Hell, I’ve never seen you happier than when you two are together. I think it’s time to shit or get off the pot, son.”