The Art of Letting GO: How to Let Go of the Past, Look Forward to the Future, and Finally Enjoy the Emotional Freedom You Deserve! (The Art Of Living Well Book 2)

by Damon Zahariades

“Things That Made Me Feel Defensive.”

Lastly, consider each item that you’ve placed on your second list. One by one, ask yourself “does this contradict any item I’ve placed on my first list?”

It severs the connection between the things that give you a legitimate sense of confidence and the things that spur you to reactively protect your ego. Along the way, it’ll become easier and more natural to admit mistakes, accept culpability, and forego making trivial and useless comparisons with others.

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. BRENE BROWN

But like pride (discussed in the previous chapter), both guilt and shame serve a useful, if unpleasant, purpose. They signal to our brain that our behavior and conduct are misaligned with our values. They highlight our moral and ethical failings as we perceive them in light of our principles.

We realize we did something that makes us feel terrible, but avoid reconciling this feeling due to ego, pride, and fear. This allows our always-present inner critic to turn into a voice of condemnation.

Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. LAO TZU

We do things we know will elicit a positive response from our friends, coworkers, loved ones, and even acquaintances. Conversely, we avoid doing things we suspect would evoke a negative response.

Still, we continue to strive for others’ approval. We worry constantly about what others think of us. We dread criticism and model our behavior and decisions to avoid it. In short, we still fear being rejected and excluded from the group.

We need to abandon our anxiety regarding how our behavior and choices will look to our friends, coworkers, and loved ones. Doing so won’t suddenly turn us into sociopaths. Instead, it will give us the freedom to fully explore our negative thoughts and emotions, show ourself compassion, and take the necessary steps to heal and move forward.

When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself. PAULO COEHLO

In fact, research suggests that making others happy is the best way to make ourself feel the same way.1

Happiness is like being cool: the harder you try the less it's going to happen. So stop trying. Start living. MARK MANSON

One of the reasons is that our obsession with being happy causes us to overemphasize the impact of our failures.