The Forgetting

by Hannah Beckerman

‘Semantic memory is recall of facts. Common knowledge,

but I cannot think what circumstances would cause me to interrupt his day. I already feel enough of a burden,

past I cannot remember and a present that feels out of reach.

‘He’ll be ten months.’ ‘And that’s pretty standard for women going back after maternity leave.’

cries in American

force myself to turn around, away from emotions I do not understand and cannot control.

novels staring accusingly at me from the coffee table as if daring me to lie.

square feet

? Europe confuses me

feel as though I am a collection of unrelated fragments, like broken glass that cannot fit together because the shards all come from different sources.

‘And you’ve just decided all this independently, without any discussion?’ ‘We’re discussing it now.’ ‘No, we’re not. You’re informing me of a decision you’ve already taken.’ ‘If you feel that strongly about it, we can put the five thousand pounds back in the joint account and spend it on cake. I don’t understand why you’re so angry. I’m just trying to do something good – something practical – for our family.’ ‘I’m not angry. I’m frustrated. You can’t just go making unilateral decisions like that without me.’ Dominic sat forward, elbows on the desk, hands clasped under his chin. When he spoke his voice was softer, gentler. ‘I honestly didn’t think you’d mind. You hate anything to do with money.’

Like I’ve said before, it’s not as if a year’s maternity leave is unusual.

know she is right: I may have lost my personal memories, but I haven’t forgotten the existence of modern technology.

‘Why do you need to check with Dominic?’ Livvy handed another piece of nectarine to Leo, tried to inject some levity into her voice. ‘Well, he is Leo’s dad. I wouldn’t want him making plans that affected Leo without talking to me.’ ‘You mean, other than him extending his contract by two months, putting your promotion and Leo’s childcare in jeopardy, you mean?’

‘And don’t forget what I said. If there’s anything wrong – or anything you want to talk about – you know where I am.’

‘But you’re always with them. The amount of time you spend with them, it’s like you’re still a child.’

‘So when I needed you to finish the Sheffield contract on time so I could take my promotion, your contract was absolutely unbreakable. But now you’ve got a new job, you’re going to terminate it early?’ The question was sharp in her mouth, like the finely tuned point of an arrowhead.

There is no reason Stephen would lie about our infertility.

‘Of

‘What about all these books?’ Dominic held up a couple of tattered paperbacks, Elizabeth Taylor in one hand, Elizabeth Jane Howard in the other. ‘They’re some of my favourites. I can’t get rid of those.’ Dominic turned them over, scrutinised their jackets. ‘Come on, they’re a bit trashy. We don’t need to keep them, do we?’ Livvy took one from him, thumbed through it. ‘They’re not trashy. They’re modern classics.’ Dominic raised a sceptical eyebrow. ‘Well, we can’t take everything with us – there won’t be room. And you can’t care about them that much if they’ve been stuffed in a box for the past fourteen months.’ Livvy decided not to remind him that it wasn’t her decision for her books to have been stashed away all this time. When she’d first moved in and unpacked some of her best-loved novels – Elizabeth Taylor, Elizabeth Jane Howard, Agatha Christie, Patricia Highsmith – Dominic had looked at his bookshelves, already full, and turned to her apologetically: ‘I’m not sure there’s going to be room for these in the sitting room. Do you mind if we store them in the office for now? We’ll find some space after you’ve settled in.’ Somehow, the space had never been found. ‘Are you happy for me to throw these out?’ Dominic held up a pair of framed Frida Kahlo prints that had once graced the walls of Livvy’s flat. ‘No, I really like those. I know there was never room for them here, but maybe there will be in our new place.’ Dominic looked at one picture and then the other. ‘You don’...

just feels a bit weird, the thought of moving into a new home that I haven’t been involved in choosing.’ Dominic stood up, rubbed his knees where he’d been crouched on the hard floor. ‘I’m just trying to do something nice. Please don’t make me feel bad for it.’ ‘I’m not. I’d just like to have a say.’ Dominic placed a hand on her shoulder. ‘It’s only our temporary home. Once we’ve got our bearings, we’ll move somewhere permanent, and of course we’ll look for that together. I just really love the idea of finding us a place to live and surprising you with it on the day we move. Let me do that for you, please?’ Livvy hesitated. ‘Honestly? I’d rather be involved but if it’s that important to you—’ ‘It really is.’ He bent down, kissed the top of her head. ‘Right, I need the bathroom. Back in a sec.’

‘I think we could probably do with a break. Do you want a cup of tea?’

‘Given we’re having a fresh start, what do you think about getting your hair cut short? I think it would really suit you.’ Without even considering her response, Livvy shook her head. ‘God, no. I’ve always had long hair. I’d feel weird without it.’ She fingered a strand, twiddled it around her finger. Dominic reached out, untangled the hair. ‘It would stop you doing that for a start.’ He looked at her, unblinking. ‘I honestly think it would look great on you. You’ve got such a beautiful face, why hide it beneath all that hair?’ Livvy baulked at the question. Her hair had been long ever since childhood. The thought of cutting it short was anathema to her, like suggesting she cut off a finger, or a toe, or a pound of flesh. ‘I like my hair long. I always have. It feels . . . I don’t know. Comforting.’ ‘But maybe that’s a good reason to get it cut? Wouldn’t you like something a bit more – I don’t know – grown-up?’ Heat flushed Livvy’s cheeks. ‘How is long hair not grown-up? Plenty of adult women have long hair.’ She could hear the defensiveness in her voice, felt annoyed with Dominic for provoking it in her. ‘There’s no need to get irritable. I just think short hair would look great on you. I’m paying you a compliment. Not all women could get away with it.’

A world in which my little boy is alive and thriving and I am free to love him as any mother should.

‘It’s almost like he doesn’t want you to remember.’

‘What’s the worst that could happen? If you cut it and you don’t like it, it’ll always grow back. It’s only hair, after all.’

Dominic had made the point that shorter hair would look more professional. ‘When you go for those meetings in London, you want to look the part, don’t you?’

Perhaps she did need something a bit more sophisticated.

It is Stephen who knows everything. Stephen who looks after everything. Stephen who looks after me. Without him, I would be lost. He is all I have in the world.

‘I told you I’d be late tonight.

You wouldn’t usually get so worried if I was late home.’ He pulls my body to his, encircles his arms around me. I try to believe that I have not always been like this: anxious, agitated, uncertain.

now it is too late: I have tied my deceit in a knot between us and cannot easily unpick it.

‘I know it must be boring being home alone all day, but once your memory returns, maybe you can think about looking for a job? We just need to be patient while you get better.’

There’s a conference in Southampton I just can’t miss. I’ll make it up to you on Sunday,

how often does he have a conference?

do not feel it is a decision in which I can be an active participant.

so many conversations with different doctors that I cannot locate the one Stephen is referring to. ‘You’re doing so well, I think we might be silly to jeopardise it. And you’ve already had so much to contend with. It’s only just over a fortnight since the crash, after all.’

‘This was Dominic’s idea, wasn’t it?’ ‘Of course not. I just wanted to try something different.’ ‘So Dominic had nothing to do with it? He didn’t even suggest it?’ Heat seeped into Livvy’s cheeks. ‘For goodness’ sake, I’ve had the same hairstyle for thirty years. I just thought it was time for a change.’ She could feel Bea’s eyes on her, felt naked beneath her sister’s scrutiny. ‘There seems to be a lot of change going on in your life at the moment.’

only a haircut.’ Bea paused. ‘It’s not just the haircut though, is it? You hardly spend time with anyone except Dominic and Leo these days.’ ‘What’s wrong with that? They’re my family.’ ‘But that doesn’t mean you have to stop seeing everyone else in your life.’ ‘I’m not. Stop exaggerating.’ ‘I’m not criticising you. I’m worried about you.’

love-bombing you, reeling you in.

It’s like you’ve lost all sense of yourself, as though you just go along with whatever Dominic wants. Do you really think that’s what a marriage should look like?’

Mum’s always said our relationship is like something out of a fairy tale. Why can’t you just be happy for me?’ Bea eyed her sadly. ‘Because that’s what bothers me. Fairy tales don’t actually exist.’

She’s had to cancel your appointment on Friday but said she’ll be in touch with another date soon.’ Disappointment cramps in my chest. ‘Why?’ ‘She didn’t say. Just that she’d be in touch. It’s hardly surprising, given how services are being cut. To be honest, I was amazed you got a referral so quickly in the first place.’

‘Maybe you threw it away by accident. But you don’t need it. The therapist said she’d call back to rearrange your appointment. There’s nothing to get upset about.’

Daisy clearly hadn’t been ready for a relationship, and Dominic couldn’t be held accountable for another woman’s immaturity. If Dominic had chosen not to tell Livvy about it, he must have his reasons. And starting one relationship soon after finishing another wasn’t exactly a crime.

before she had a chance to assess whether this story really was the lesser of two evils.

Dominic’s expression hardened as though set in clay.

He reached out, grabbed hold of her wrist, fingers pressing into her flesh. ‘What kind of an idiot do you take me for?’ Beneath his grip, the bones in Livvy’s wrist smarted, the pain hot, sharp. ‘Let go. You’re hurting me.’ He tightened his hold on her, brought his face towards hers, the heat of his breath angry against her skin. ‘I’m hurting you? Your sister acts like some crazy stalker and you don’t even have the decency to tell me? And now I’m the one in the wrong?’

‘Your husband left me a message to say you were feeling better and no longer required therapy. I just wanted to check in with you before discharging you. It’s entirely your decision, of course, but most patients who’ve suffered amnesia do find a course of therapy helpful.’

then learning about their past shouldn’t be disadvantageous.

why would Stephen lie to me about the therapist cancelling the appointment? I’m not sure I understand the rationale in telling you so little about the rest of your life. It’s almost like he doesn’t want you to remember.

You know I’d never intentionally hurt you.’

Livvy said nothing. She had no desire for another row, felt exhausted by their earlier conflict.