Again

by J.L. Seegars

Second chances are not given to make things right but to prove we can be better even after a fall. UNKNOWN

I still feel like my legs have been swept out from under me the moment his gaze touches mine because it’s there. It’s all there. Every second of our history is written on his face. Every kiss, every hug, every contented sigh and moan etched inside rings of smoky quartz and gold.

“I can’t do that,” he says quietly. “Why not?” “Because doing that only makes me think about how everyone should still be calling you Mrs. Daniels.”

I opened my stupid mouth and all but confessed that I still think of her as mine because I’m perfectly content with staring at her, soaking in her beauty and wondering how successful my plan to get her back into my bed and my life will be.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to be ignored by someone, but that’s what Amina does to me. She makes everything—even the most mundane or insulting thing—feel like a gift.

The idea of any part of us being resigned to the past, deemed an insignificant relic of an era that has been forgotten, makes my entire being ache. Amina could never be my past. Our love—our history, our future, and even this impossible present where she won’t acknowledge that she’s mine— lives in a place where time doesn’t exist. A boundless space where the brand she left on my heart has never faded. A ceaseless oasis that will continue to be even when this world is gone and our bodies are nothing but dust floating in the cosmos.

“Yes, I would. Tell me what you want, Amina. I’ll give you anything. It’s all yours anyway.” “Pretty sure that stopped being the case when we signed the divorce papers.” His hand slides lower, and the tip of his pinky grazes the low cut lace hugging my hips as he studies me. Whiskey eyes taking in all of my features and stealing my breath. “I don’t give a fuck about those papers. Everything I have is yours, and it always will be because I wouldn’t have any of it if it wasn’t for you.”

“You make the end of our marriage sound so simple, so easy, like letting you go didn’t kill me. Like not knowing why I had to figure out how to live life without you hasn’t made every fucking day unbearable.”

know you guys just got done making promises to each other, but I wanted to make some promises to you as well. As your brother and your friend, I promise to do whatever I can to protect your union. To laugh with you on the good days and cry with you on the bad. To remind you why you love each other, why you chose each other, in the moments that you want to forget. I promise not to ever let you give up on each other because this love that you’ve found, it’s too precious to ever let go of. Trust me.”

When you walked away all those years ago, I let you go way too easily. And now I have to work my ass off to make it right, but that’s okay because I’m not afraid of hard work. Not if it gets me you.”

I wish I could climb underneath her skin. Burrow into her heart, make her soul my home.

I used to think she was a blessing—a gift from God to an undeserving man—but I was wrong. She isn’t a blessing, some small thing held up to prove the existence of a higher power and keep you beholden to it. She is the reason blessings exist. They are born in her eyes and fueled by the blood in her veins. They are forged in her name and written by her hand. She is my religion. Her body is my place of worship, and I will spend the rest of my life at her altar.

“So I bought a camera just like yours, it’s an expensive ass camera by the way, with all the damn lenses you have, and I watched every video you ever posted online about how to use it. Sometimes I watched just to see your face and hear your voice.”

“If I let other people tell me what I can or can’t do, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you.”

“Rub your clit and keep your eyes on me, Amina.” He rasps, kissing his way down to my entrance. “I want you to watch me while I fuck you with my tongue.”

“Your peace of mind is worth it. The life we’re going to build together—one free of reminders from a painful past full of mistakes—is worth it. There was a time when I put that place before you, where I made you feel like achieving my dreams was more important than having you, and I’m not going to make that mistake again.”