Again

by J.L. Seegars

still feel like my legs have been swept out from under me the moment his gaze touches mine because it’s there. It’s all there. Every second of our history is written on his face. Every kiss, every hug, every contented sigh and moan etched inside rings of smoky quartz and gold.

I felt the strongest sense of rightness. Of certainty. Like this week was a gift, a chance to do what I should have done when she asked for the divorce: fight for her.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to be ignored by someone, but that’s what Amina does to me. She makes everything—even the most mundane or insulting thing—feel like a gift.

Clearly, she doesn’t know I’ll take anything she’s willing to give me. An insult. A slap to the face. A kick to the balls. As long as she’s close enough to deliver the blow.

The idea of any part of us being resigned to the past, deemed an insignificant relic of an era that has been forgotten, makes my entire being ache. Amina could never be my past.

Our love—our history, our future, and even this impossible present where she won’t acknowledge that she’s mine— lives in a place where time doesn’t exist. A boundless space where the brand she left on my heart has never faded. A ceaseless oasis that will continue to be even when this world is gone and our bodies are nothing but dust floating in the cosmos.

All marriages, including the ones that end in the divorce, start the same way, with vows and rings and promises you have every intention to keep.

“Yes, I would. Tell me what you want, Amina. I’ll give you anything. It’s all yours anyway.”

“I don’t give a fuck about those papers. Everything I have is yours, and it always will be because I wouldn’t have any of it if it wasn’t for you.”

“I miss you,” he breathes. “Do you ever miss me, Mina? Do you ever think about me and regret every second we’ve spent apart?”

“No. I won’t stop bringing it up. I won’t stop thinking about it. Actually, that’s wrong, I can’t stop thinking about it. About you. About us. Signing those papers was the biggest mistake of my life, and I’m going to do everything in my power to make it right.”

“You make the end of our marriage sound so simple, so easy, like letting you go didn’t kill me. Like not knowing why I had to figure out how to live life without you hasn’t made every fucking day unbearable.”

“I haven’t breathed since you left me, Amina.”

“When we do this, it changes everything. There’s no going back to normal or pretending that this never happened.”

“Oh, no. I’m going to fuck you tonight, baby. And I’m going to do it so thoroughly you’re going to wonder why you spent so much time fighting with me about something that’s an inevitability.”

When you walked away all those years ago, I let you go way too easily. And now I have to work my ass off to make it right, but that’s okay because I’m not afraid of hard work. Not if it gets me you.”

“I want to bend you over this table and fuck you until you can’t see straight. Can I?”

That’s how it is with me and him, how it’s always been, he gives an order and I submit. I give him my trust, and he shows me why he’s the only man who’s ever been able to give me this. Complete and utter freedom.

“You said you were going to bend me over and fuck me until I can’t see straight. Not tease me and deny me an orgasm.”

“Lie and say you don’t miss me now, Mina. Tell me you haven’t dreamed about spreading your legs for me, taking everything I have to give you.”

I need him rough because any more of his tenderness might destroy me.

“There’s never been a world where there wasn’t an us.”

“You’re thinking too much, baby. All I need you to do is feel.”

“So fucking strong and beautiful. You’re a warrior, Mina. And I’m sorry I was too busy trying to save you from the hardships of battle to appreciate how determined you were to win the war.”

“We weren’t ruined, baby. And we were never over. The divorce was just our way of delaying the inevitable because we were always going to find our way back to each other. I was always going to find you and make it right.”

With the realization that I want him. I want his forever eyes and his broken truths. His secret smiles and his inside jokes.

“There’s not a man in this world who would deny himself the pleasure of your body when you’re offering it so willingly, Amina.”

“Sit down.” I do as he says, because apparently being horny means my instincts override my common sense,

but she’s everything I’ve ever wanted out of this life. Everything I’ve ever needed, and nothing that I deserve.