Again

by J.L. Seegars

I used to think she was a blessing—a gift from God to an undeserving man—but I was wrong. She isn’t a blessing, some small thing held up to prove the existence of a higher power and keep you beholden to it. She is the reason blessings exist. They are born in her eyes and fueled by the blood in her veins. They are forged in her name and written by her hand. She is my religion. Her body is my place of worship, and I will spend the rest of my life at her altar.

Fear that we’re doomed to repeat our same mistakes because the fundamental issues in our relationship, the ones that led to the affair and unraveled us, are still there. I

“Baby, we’re not crazy, and we’re not trying to fix everything in three days. This is just us beginning again. We’ll have the rest of our lives to work on us, to heal what’s been broken, to grow into the people we were always meant to be together.

I’m really, really in this because committing to spending the rest of our lives working on our relationship sounds a lot more appealing than walking away when this is done.

I should have made it clear that I wanted you and every single bit of the life we planned to have together, but I wasn’t willing to lose you to get it. I wasn’t willing to watch you wreck yourself to give it to me.”

He holds his arms open, and I step inside, letting him envelop me in the warmest, safest hug. One that makes me feel like I can survive anything as long as he’s by my side.

I can’t take back my lack of faith or get us back the years that it cost us. I can’t undo the pain it caused both of us. I can’t make any of it right, and I didn’t realize until after he was gone that he never asked me to. He was angry and hurt that I didn’t trust him, but he never once demanded that I apologize for it because he understood where it came from. He understood me. The way he always has.

There are days when I come home and see her sitting on the couch, or working in her studio, and wonder how on Earth I got lucky enough to win her heart twice in one lifetime.