Moth (Monstrous, #5)

by Lily Mayne

“They said I was an abomination to their kind, and the only way to make myself worthy was to join their cult.” “You’re not a fucking abomination,” I seethed. “That’s bullshit. How can they say that when they played a part in making you?”

“I want to help you.” “You can’t.” Another tiny, defeated smile. “But it’s okay. I can handle a few punches to the face. I’m still not going to do what they want.” But what if it escalated? What if the longer he refused to find whoever they wanted him to, the more they hurt him—worse and worse until he either had no choice but to obey or they killed him? Terror flooded me, making my fingers bite into his thighs as I stared up at him. “Really, Charlie.” Moth hesitated, then clasped my face and leaned down to kiss me. “It’s okay. And if it… If they summon me again, just wait for me. They’ll send me back. I’m not going to leave you out here. And if you—if you have to keep moving, I’ll find you. I promise.” “Moth.” I bit my lip, eyes burning again. I nodded. “I’ll wait. But I still… We’ll try and think of something, okay?”

My legs were dead from kneeling for so long, but I still didn’t stand up. I slid my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest, breathing in his scent and hoping that we were both still alive in a week.

Despite everything that had happened between us—the palpable shift in our relationship—we didn’t treat each other any differently. We didn’t start acting like a couple or anything. Even though I wanted to.

When he glanced over at me, I grinned. After a second, he grinned back—a rare, wide smile that showed off even white teeth in the dark. I didn’t voice the fact that technically we could still get infected anywhere out here in the Wastes, but at least we knew we weren’t about to die right this second. Besides, I couldn’t have spoken—because Moth leaned over and kissed me.

“At least it wasn’t my head, right?” I tried to joke as I slowly pushed my arm back through my sodden shirt sleeve with his help. “Don’t say that,” he mumbled, gently tugging my coat back up and zipping it for me.

“I’ll be fine, baby.” The term of endearment slipped out without thought, but there were too many pressing things to worry about for me to get embarrassed by it.

I gripped the front of Moth’s coat as he put away his sword, stepping close to kiss him hard.

“You definitely deserve a blowjob for that,” I rasped after pulling back. Moth went still, then his white teeth flashed in the dark as he grinned. “Yeah?” “Hell yeah.” I grinned back, slipping my uninjured arm under his coat to slide my hand up his back. “But maybe once we’re both clean and you don’t smell like monster guts.” He snorted and leaned in to kiss my cheek. “Princess.”

Feeling unaccountably nervous, I stepped closer and threaded my gloved fingers through his, half expecting him to yank his hand back. But he didn’t. “Let’s keep going until we find somewhere safer.” He still looked worried, but he nodded and gripped my hand tighter. Neither of us let go as we started walking.

I didn’t, because I didn’t want to wake him or startle him. My gut clenched with a heavy throb of want. Not just for his body. Not just for sex. For him. I wanted him. Like wasn’t a strong enough word for what I felt for him, but love felt too strong just yet. But… I was pretty sure I could. Love him.

I wanted to keep him close. I wanted to protect him from judgemental people who treated him like shit, and monsters who rejected him and called him a half-breed, and his awful parent and their guards who hurt him. I didn’t want to go and live back at the homestead, or at the Nebraska camp. I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to go back to his cosy little safehouse in the middle of nowhere and stay there, just the two of us, until the snow melted and the cold thawed. I wanted to travel across the Wastes with him, visiting the Nebraska raiders together and letting him show me all the hidden, underground places that people had created out here away from the military’s eyes.

I’d enjoy it while it lasted. Getting to be close to him. Getting to kiss him and hear his husky laugh and see his rare smiles. Getting to touch him and taste him and feel his hands on me. And when the time came for us to part ways, I’d deal with it. I was a big boy. I could handle a little heartbreak. Although I already knew that it would be particularly painful.

I was in a perpetual state of happiness. Not even the odd monster or the slowly healing wound on my shoulder could dampen it. I didn’t know if my good mood rubbed off on Moth, but he seemed happier too. He laughed more, and he seemed to like holding my hand. Eventually he even instigated kisses or easy, intimate touches between us when we set up camp for the night. Like sliding his arms around me and hugging me from behind, kissing the back of my neck as he walked past, or leaning into me while we were eating.

He’d been starved of affection for so long—his whole life. I showered him with it to make up for the lack he’d experienced, and it was no hardship. I wanted to give him everything.

I got the feeling that he didn’t really feel like he fit in with either, which made me want to hug him close. It seemed like he wanted to fit in with humans more, but he didn’t, which was heartbreaking. Fuck people. I wanted to tell him that he didn’t need anyone else—that I’d stay with him. That I liked him—more than liked him—just the way he was. Prickly, defensive attitude, arrogance and all.

If you ask me to stay with you, I will. I stared at his bent head, wishing I was brave enough to say it. I’ll teach you to read. I’ll go back to your safehouse in the middle of nowhere with you.

The overwhelming longing to do all those things hit me with the force of a truck. The thought of parting from him, of him being alone out there again, and me being just as alone wherever I was, was a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest. It wasn’t just the desire to have someone. It was him. I wanted him.

I pulled back and licked my lips, then kissed him again. I had nothing else to say to him—I just needed him to see how much I still wanted him. That he had nothing to be ashamed of.

“Is it disgusting?” he blurted. His face deepened in colour. “The tail, I mean. Sometimes it… it feels like a growth I should cut off.” My chest constricted. “No. It’s not a growth, Moth. It’s a tail. It’s part of you. And it’s not fucking disgusting. Nothing about you is disgusting.”

“See? Moth, when I look at you, I don’t sit there picking out things that could be perceived as flaws. Because they’re not flaws. They’re just a part of you. And I love every part of you. You’re beautiful.”

When I looked over at Moth, he was scowling as he stared at the convenience store clerk. My mouth twitched. We didn’t want to draw more attention to ourselves than was necessary, but the sight of his jealousy made my insides swoop. I leaned over and kissed the side of his neck. “Ready, baby?” I made sure the guy heard, feeling a little guilty, but I was more concerned with making sure Moth didn’t feel insecure. Besides, I wasn’t interested in this guy. Moth’s face smoothed out, and after a moment he nodded. The clerk was the one pouting now as he led us over to the bar. Moth slipped his hand into mine as we wove through the crowd, so I squeezed it. His arrogant mask was firmly back in place by the time we reached the bar, which just made me want to kiss him again.

“No problem, you’ve helped us out. Right, baby?” I grinned over at Moth, raising my brows to let him know I could tell how much he hated it. He scowled at me and flicked his eyes away, but as Pete gestured for Beth to come back over, I felt Moth’s arm slide under my coat before long fingers slipped beneath the hem of my shirt to trail over my lower back. I shivered, leaning into him, even as I told myself that I should not be enjoying him getting possessive over me. It’s just casual, I tried to remind myself as Beth returned and I handed over the money for Pete’s drink. He’s in love with someone else.

“I really like you, Moth,” he said in a low, hoarse voice. I swallowed, eyes popping open to look at him. He’d turned the lights off, but I could still see him clearly. He was gazing at me in the dark, eyes intense with something I couldn’t name. “I like you too,” I whispered back, trying not to get caught up in wondering exactly what he meant.

wanted him so much it hurt. Fuck it. I was going to say something. I’d never been one to shy away from anything, and I wasn’t going to start now at the age of thirty-one, goddamnit. If he rejected me… well, at least the end was in sight. We’d get back to the camp and part ways, and he’d never have to see me again.

But there was no way in hell I was leaving Charlie there. Charlie, with his annoyingly charming grin and seductive voice. With his constant humming while we were travelling the Wastes. With the way he’d told me he would help me when I returned to the prison, even though he’d had no idea what was going on. Charlie, who’d made me feel truly desirable for the first time in my life. Who’d told me that he loved every part of me. Who didn’t care that I was half monster, who didn’t sneer with instinctive revulsion at the sight of my face. Who’d been patient with me, even when I’d been a complete asshole. Who’d offered to teach me to read and had kissed me and held me close while he was sleeping.

Did he care enough to come back for me? Did I even want him to? I would have preferred it if he never had to see his terrible parent again, but I was human—my human instincts strained to keep me alive, and Moth was my only chance of getting out of here alive.

Fierce longing rose in my chest, making it ache. It was so much stronger than anything I’d ever felt before, which just confused me. If I’d really been in love with Ghost, shouldn’t I have felt like this whenever I was away from the camp? This… stabbing pain just from being away from him.

let out a weak, humourless sound and looked down at Chuck loping beside me. “Pathetic, right?” As if she understood, she stretched up one flat grey hand, using the other to keep lumbering forward, and tucked her fingers into my palm. My eyes got hot, and my face flamed pink as I glanced around furtively to make sure no one was nearby. But I couldn’t bring myself to tug my hand away. “What the hell, Chuck?” I tucked my chin down and refused to look at the little creature. “Stop making me feel things.”

At least I’d had him for a little while. At least I knew what it was like to want someone so fiercely it consumed me, and to be wanted back. At least I’d gotten to know someone truly decent, and kind, and compassionate—even if he could be an annoying shithead sometimes.

“Have you thought about what you’re going to do?” he asked, keeping his eyes on the ground. “After we get back?” “No,” I said quickly. “No plans yet.” Ask me to stay with you.

“I liked your safehouse.” I’d live there with you. Just ask me. Fucking ask me.

“Maybe I’ll just keep tagging along with you,” I said with a tiny shrug after pulling back, trying to mask the nerves in my voice. Moth stared at me, pale eyes wide. Something flashed through them. Then he looked away and let out a rough laugh, as if I’d told a joke.

“Chuck!” Moth suddenly cried, confusing the shit out of me. He lunged forward then stopped dead, face flaming pink as he looked at me. “Uh, I mean—that’s—” He cleared his throat. “This monkey thing started following me when I was coming to get you.” A slow grin spread over my face. “And you named him Chuck?” “She’s female. I’m pretty sure anyway. And yes.” He shot me an imperious look, arching his brow. “She was almost as annoying as you at first, so it felt fitting.”

I could feel Moth physically restraining himself, before he gave up and ran toward her. She chirped excitedly and scurried up his legs the moment he was in reach, clinging onto his front like a baby spider monkey.

Moth slowly turned to face me with his cheeks still adorably flushed pink but his chin raised defiantly. “So… this is Chuck.” “I was replaced so quickly.” I sauntered forward and grinned at the buggy eyes peering at me over Moth’s shoulder. “By an upgrade, apparently. I can’t ride on your back like that.” His mouth stretched into a wide grin. “You can if you want.” I laughed. “No need to show off about your monster strength, baby. Besides, I think the seat has been taken.”

She chirruped and rubbed her face against the tattoos on the back of his hand. “That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” I told him solemnly, and his face flamed even darker. “Shut up.” “I mean, you have to keep her, right?” I took a step closer, but didn’t reach to touch her yet. “She’s clearly already in love with you.” You and me both, girl.

I glanced over at the raiders standing with Moth. “Hey, where’s creepy machete guy?” Edin chuckled. “Do you mean Lilac?” “Sure. Whatever. The guy with the machete.” Hunter winced. “He’s, uh… busy. Long story.”

He cleared his throat. “I’m—I’m going. I just—uh, wanted to say goodbye.” My breath caught as I froze. Every inch of me filled up with an awful, overwhelming blend of grief and anger and the urge to… to somehow stop him. “What?” I croaked. “You’re going? Just… You’re just leaving? Now?” He nodded curtly, pursing his lips and making the rings through them glint in the faint glow of the fairy lights from the camp below. Anger and desperation closed my throat up. I took a single step closer. “Are you serious? After everything, you’re just… leaving me here?”

“You’re just going to leave me behind after everything?” I repeated in a croak. Moth’s face tightened, and for just a second before he masked it, longing shone in his pale eyes. “What—what do you mean? Did you… want to come with me?” I choked out an incredulous laugh. “Of course I want to come with you! I want to stay with you. Hasn’t that been fucking obvious?” “I—” His eyes darted nervously, no longer looking at me. “You—you said you just wanted a casual thing while we were…” “You seriously think that’s what a casual thing looks like? Feels like?” My voice was rough. I knew it was the wrong thing to say when Moth’s face flamed pink. His tone was embarrassed and defensive when he snapped, “How am I supposed to know what it—what a casual thing looks like? You know I’ve never… done any of that before.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—” I exhaled and scrubbed anxious hands down my face. “I know you—”

“I know you have feelings for someone else, but do you really not… feel anything for me? You can seriously just walk away?” I could feel my eyes pleading with him, and Moth’s gaze tightened before he looked away. He let out a shuddering breath and shook his head, and my stomach squeezed into a tight, agonising knot. But then he said in a quiet voice, “I don’t… I’m not in love with Ghost.” Oh.

I took a deep, shaky breath and forced a smile on my face. I could feel how wobbly it was, and my eyes burned. “Thanks for everything. Thanks for keeping me safe out there, Moth. I’m glad I could get to know you. I don’t… I don’t think I’m going to stay here. So… I hope things get better for you now the Herald’s gone.” “Where are you going to go?” he asked immediately, head lifting to stare at me through intense eyes that sparked with fear. “Not out into the Wastes alone?” I exhaled and shrugged, scrubbing at my jaw. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can go back to the homestead, either. It’s just so… remote. Lonely.” “You can’t go out there alone, Charlie.” His voice was harsh and biting.

I waited for him to say more. To offer for me to come with him. He didn’t. “I’ll be okay,” I rasped, then tried to inject some levity by adding, “I’m not some super slayer like you, but I can manage.” “I’m used to it,” he snapped immediately. “I’ve been alone out there for years.” My chest squeezed painfully tight. Ask me to come with you. Then we’ll be together.

“You’ll find someone,” I croaked. “Someone who’ll see how amazing you are.” I do. I see it.

“Even though you don’t feel the same, I…” God, I needed to shut the fuck up. “I think you’re perfect just as you are. You don’t need to change or hide any part of yourself for someone else, Moth.”

Long fingers cupped my face, pulling me into a deep kiss. I reacted automatically, sliding my hands around his waist beneath his coat, kissing him back with fervent desperation that made me feel too raw and exposed, but I couldn’t stop it.

“I thought I was in love with Ghost,” Moth whispered, because Ghost was standing right over there. Watching. “But I never felt like this about him. How I feel about you. I’ve never… felt like this about anyone.” I tightened my grip on him beneath his coat. “And how… how do you feel about me?” He groaned again, face flushing as he glanced over at the raiders. And the monsters—Gloam and Aury were there too. Gloam had a little smile on his face. I could practically feel Hunter and Edin gawking from the wall. “Don’t make me say it,” he mumbled. “Everyone’s… watching.” I let out a shaky laugh, tugging him closer. “Hell no, slayer, I’m gonna make you say it.” Moth glared at me without heat. “Such a shithead. Fine, I…” He swallowed again, but lifted his chin and stared at me with a determined expression, even as his voice wavered when he said, “I love you.”

My face hurt from how wide I was grinning. “Yeah? So you’re gonna let me tag along with you?” A hint of uncertainty flared in Moth’s eyes when I didn’t immediately say it back. His fingers slowly uncurled from my shirt, but before he could get far, I wrapped my arms around his neck and yanked him into a hard kiss. “I love you too.” I buried my face in his neck, breathing in his scent. “I love you, Moth.” He let out a weak, relieved chuckle and pressed his mouth into my hair. “Shithead.”

“Damn, Charlie,” Rig hollered, shattering the moment. “How’d you manage to break the ice queen?” Moth’s face flamed pink even as he shot the raider an unimpressed look. I laughed and leaned in to kiss his tattooed neck, happiness bubbling inside me. “Deepthroating,” I called back, which made Moth give my stomach a weak shove.

When I glanced up at the wall, Edin shot me a big thumbs up—a gesture I’d taught him—then grabbed the back of Hunter’s neck and yanked him closer. Hunter stumbled and shoved at his rock-hard stomach, snapping at him before Edin shut him up with a kiss.