Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

the important idea is to feel them. That doesn’t mean we have to always be on guard for one feeling or the other. It doesn’t mean we have to devote an extraordinary amount of our lives to wallowing in emotional muck. In fact, dealing with our feelings means we can move out of the muck. It means if a feeling—emotional energy—comes our way, we feel it. We take a few moments, acknowledge the sensation, and move on to the next step. We don’t censor. We don’t block. We don’t run from. We don’t tell ourselves, “Don’t feel that. Something must be wrong with me.” We don’t pass judgment on ourselves for our feelings. We experience them. We allow the energy to pass through our bodies, and we accept it as being our emotional energy, our feeling. We say, “Okay.”

Next, we do that mystical thing so many people refer to as “dealing with our feelings.” We appropriately respond to our emotion. We examine the thoughts that go with it, and we accept them without repression or censorship.4

Then, we decide whether there is a next step. This is where we do our judging. This is where our moral code comes into play. We still don’t judge ourselves for having the feeling. We decide what, if anything, we want to do about the feeling and the accompanying thought. We evaluate the situation, the...

Responding appropriately to our feelings also means we are liable for our feelings. Each person’s feelings are his or her own. Nobody makes anyone feel; no one is ultimately responsible for our feelings except us, no matter how much we insist they are. People might help us feel, but they don’t make us feel. People also cannot change the way we feel. Only we can do that. Furthermore, we are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings, although we are responsible for choosing to be considerate of people’s feelings. Responsible people choose to do that, at times. However, most codependents choose to overdo that. We need to be considerate of our feelings, too.

If we think something is awful, will never get better, and just shouldn’t be, our feelings will be intense. I call this disaster thinking. That’s why it is important, after we feel our emotions, to examine our thinking.

Activity Read through your journal writings. What emotions were squeaking or pouring out as you wrote? Let’s play a “what if” game. What if you could be feeling anything you wanted right now, and feeling that way wouldn’t make you a bad person. What would you be feeling? Write about it. Find someone who is safe, a good listener, accepting, and nonrescuing, and begin honestly and openly discussing your feelings with that person. Listen to that person’s feelings without judgment or caretaking gestures. This is nice, isn’t it? If you don’t know anybody you feel safe doing that with, join a support group.

Activity What do you think would happen if you started feeling your angry feelings? What do you believe deep inside about anger? What myths about anger have you subscribed to? If you need to subscribe to new beliefs about anger, do so. Attack the myths whenever they try to attack you. How do the people in your current family situation deal with anger? How did your mother, father, brothers, and sisters deal with their anger? What’s your pattern for dealing with anger? If you have repressed anger, write about it in your notebook. You may need to buy a new notebook and devote it to anger. If anger is a troublesome emotion for you, keep a pencil and paper handy and start writing about your anger as it occurs throughout the day.

As codependents, many of us don’t trust our minds. We truly understand the horror of indecision.

Not listening to our needs and wants, and telling ourselves that what we desire is wrong, cheats us out of the information we need to make good choices. Second-guessing and “what ifs” don’t help either. We’re learning to love, trust, and listen to ourselves.

Activity Who makes your decisions for you? How do you feel about that? Did someone important in your life tell you that you couldn’t think and make good decisions? Who? Begin doing one thing every day to improve your mind: read an article in the newspaper and formulate an opinion. Later, you might really want to take a risk and tell somebody your opinion on that subject. You may even find yourself in a lively debate.

Talking clearly and openly is not difficult. In fact, it’s easy. And fun. Start by knowing that who we are is okay. Our feelings and thoughts are okay. Our opinions count. It’s okay to talk about our problems. And it’s okay to say no. We can say no—whenever we want to.

We need to take responsibility for communication. Let our words reflect high self-esteem and esteem for others. Be honest. Be direct. Be open. Be gentle and loving when that’s appropriate. Be firm when the situation calls for firmness. Above all else, be who we are and say what we need to say. In love and dignity, speak the truth—as we think, feel, and know it—and it shall set us free.

Activity Read these books: Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell, and How to Be an Assertive (Not Aggressive) Woman in Life, in Love, and on the Job, by Jean Baer. How to Be an Assertive Woman is an excellent book for men, too.

It was time to remove myself from anyone or anything’s control (including my own) and place myself in the hands of an extraordinarily loving God. “Take it,” I said, “All of it—who I am, what’s happened to me, where I shall go, and how I’ll get there.”

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Boundaries are limits that say: “This is how far I shall go. This is what I will or won’t do for you. This is what I won’t tolerate from you.”

“HOW”: Honesty, Openness, and Willingness to try.