Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

Activity Did you identify with any people in this chapter? What helped you think of yourself? Which relationships did it bring to mind? Why? You might find it helpful to buy a large notebook and record your responses to these activities. You can also write down other thoughts and feelings you have as you read this book.

“an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules—rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”2 Eamie Larsen, another codependency specialist and a pioneer in that field, defines codependency as “those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships.”

A codependent person is one who has let another person′s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person′s behavior.

the heart of the definition and recovery lies not in the other person—no matter how much we believe it does. It lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people’s behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive “helping,” caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt, peculiar dependency on peculiar people, attraction to and tolerance for the bizarre, other- centeredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process.

Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They underreact. But rarely do they act.

Whatever problem the other person has, codependency involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving toward ourselves and others that can cause us pain. Codependent behaviors or habits are selfdestructive. We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves.

Activity How would you define codependency? Do you know anybody who has significantly affected your life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could change? Who? Write several paragraphs about that person and your relationship. Later, read what you wrote. What are your feelings?

Many professionals say the first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.1

think and feel responsible for other people—for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny. feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem. feel compelled—almost forced—to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings. feel angry when their help isn’t effective. anticipate other people’s needs. wonder why others don’t do the same for them.

find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don’t really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.

not know what they want and need or, if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important. try to please others instead of themselves. find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices d...

feel safest when giving. feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them. feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to ...

feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.

blame themselves for everything. pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave. get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize the codependents—something codependents regularly do to themselves. reject compliments or praise. get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation). feel different from the rest of the world. think they’re not quite good enough.

feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves. fear rejection. take things personally. have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism. feel like victims. tell themselves they can’t do anything right. be afraid of making mistakes. wonder why they have a tough time making decisions. expect themselves to do everything perfectly. wonder why they can’t get anything done to their satisfaction. have a lot of “shoulds.” feel a lot of guilt. feel ashamed of who they are. think their lives aren’t worth living. try to help other people live their lives instead. get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others. get strong feelings of low self-worth—embarrassment, failure, etc.—from other people’s failures and problems. wish good things would happen to them. believe good things never will happen. believe they don’t deserve good things and happiness. wish other people would like and love them. believe other people couldn’t possibly like and love them. try to prove they’re good enough for other people. settle for being needed.

don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves. look for happiness outside themselves. latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.

don’t love themselves. believe other people can’t or don’t love them. desperately seek love and approval. often seek love from people incapable of loving.

try to prove they’re good enough to be loved. don’t take time to see if other people are good for them. worry whether other people love or like them. don’t take time to figure out if they love or like other people. center their lives around other people. look to relationships to provide all their good feelings. lose interest in their own lives when they love. worry other people will leave them. don’t believe they can take care of themselves. stay in relationships that don’t work. tolerate abuse to keep people loving them. feel trapped in relationships. leave bad relationships and form new ones that don’t work either. wonder if they will ever find love.

lie to protect and cover up for people they love. lie to protect themselves. have a difficult time asserting their rights. have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately. think most of what they have to say is unimportant. begin to talk in cynical, self-degrading, or hostile ways. apologize for bothering people.

say they won’t tolerate certain behaviors from other people. gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they never would. let others hurt them. keep letting people hurt them. wonder why they hurt so badly. complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there. finally get angry. become totally intolerant.

don’t trust themselves. don’t trust their feelings. don’t trust their decisions. don’t trust other people. try to trust untrustworthy people.

feel very scared, hurt, and angry. live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry. are afraid of their own anger. are frightened of other people’s anger. think people will go away if anger enters the picture.

are afraid to make other people feel anger. feel controlled by other people’s anger. repress their angry feelings. cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.

have been ashamed for feeling angry. place guilt and shame on themsel...

have sex when they don’t want to. have sex when they’d rather be held, nurtured, and loved. try to have sex when they’re angry or hurt.

have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed. withdraw emotionally from their partner. feel sexual revulsion toward their partner. don’t talk about it. force themselves to have sex, anyway. reduce sex to a technical act. wonder why they don’t enjoy sex. lose interest in sex. make up reasons to abstain. wish their sex partner would die, go away, or sense the codependent’s feelings.

become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don’t require sacrifice. find it difficult to feel close to people.

laugh when they feel like crying. stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts. be ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems. be confused about the nature of the problem. cover up, lie, and protect the problem. not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn’t bad enough, or they aren’t important enough.

feel lethargic. feel depressed. become withdrawn and isolated. experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure. abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities. feel hopeless. begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in. think about suicide.

become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill. experience an eating disorder (over- or undereating).

It is a paradoxical dependency.5 Codependents appear to be depended upon, but they are dependent. They look strong but feel helpless. They appear controlling but in reality are controlled themselves, sometimes by an illness such as alcoholism.

These are the issues that dictate recovery It is solving these problems that makes recovery fun. Many recoveries from problems that involve a person’s mind, emotions, and spirit are long and grueling. Not so, here. Except for normal human emotions we would be feeling anyway, and twinges of discomfort as we begin to behave differently, recovery from codependency is exciting. It is liberating. It lets us be who we are. It lets other people be who they are. It helps us own our God-given power to think, feel, and act. It feels good. It brings peace. It enables us to love ourselves and others. It allows us to receive love—some of the good stuff we’ve all been looking for. It provides an optimum environment for the people around us to get and stay healthy. And recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us have been living with.

Recovery is not only fun, it is simple. It is not always easy, but it is simple. It is based on a premise many of us have forgotten or never learned: Each person is responsible for him- or herself. It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to: taking care of ourselves....

Activities Go through the checklist in this chapter. Mark each characteristic with a 0 if it is never a problem for you. Mark the characteristic with a 1 if it is occasionally a problem. And mark it with a 2 if it is frequently a problem. Later, in another chapter, you will use this to establish goals. You may wish to use it now as a guide to the chapters you want to read. How do you feel about changing yourself? What do you think would happen if ...

It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.1 —AL-ANON MEMBER

Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help.

Detachment involves “present moment living”—living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.

Detachment is both an act and an art. It is a way of life. I believe it is also a gift. And it will be given to those who seek it.

We react because we’re anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen, and what is happening.

We react because we think we have to react. We don’t have to. We don′t have to be so afraid of people. They are just people like us. We don′t have to forfeit our peace.

We don′t have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything. That is also not required of us.

We don’t have to take things so seriously (ourselves, events, and other people).

Feelings are important, but they’re only feelings. Thoughts are important, but they’re only thoughts—and we all think a lot of different things, and our thoughts are subject to change. What we say and do is important, what others say and do is important, but the world doesn’t hinge on any particular speech or action.

And if it is particularly important that something gets done or said, don’t worry: It’ll happen. Lighten up. Give yourself and others room to move, to talk, to be who they are—to be human. Give life a chance to happen. Give yourself an opportunity to enjoy it.

We don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections...

If you have done nothing to feel embarrassed about, don’t feel embarrassed. I know this is a tough concept, but it can be mastered.

We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth.

We don’t have to take things so personally. We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart.

We don’t have to take little things personally either. If someone has a bad day or gets angry, don’t assume it has something to do with you.

If people don’t want to be with us or act healthy, it is not a reflection on our self-worth. It reflects on their present circumstances.