The Butcher's Masquerade (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #5)

by Matt Dinniman

Grace Period begins now. All hunters have been transferred to the city of Zockau. They will be released in 30 hours. Run.

Carl: What did you get? Donut: I’LL TELL YOU BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO GET MAD. KATIA SAYS YOU’RE GOING TO BE MAD. Carl: Donut. What did you pick? Donut: I’M A BARD! ISN’T IT GREAT! IT’S NOT A NECROBARD LIKE THEY OFFERED ME BEFORE, BUT IT’S BETTER. I’M A LEGENDARY DIVA. THAT’S WHAT THE CLASS IS CALLED. LEGENDARY DIVA. I SING! Carl: You sing.

“Laugh it up,” Mordecai said, pissed. “Get it out of your system.” “Your voice,” I said, falling off the couch as I continued to howl, causing him to yelp and leap off of me. He used his tail to keep himself from lurching back. I had tears rolling down my cheek. “Holy shit. Will you be able to work at the alchemy table like this? Do you want me to build a booster chair for you?” “Go fuck yourself, Carl,” Mordecai said.

Entering Zockau. Donut: CARL, IF WE DON’T DIE, MORDECAI IS GOING TO KILL YOU.

I took both of my hands, and I cupped Donut’s face. “You know how worried you are about Mongo?” “Yes.” “That’s how I feel about you.” Donut blinked. “Really? Do you really mean that?” Her voice was so full of genuine longing that it hurt my heart.

Not me sobbing over this man and his cat

“I know I haven’t said this to you directly before, and I’m sorry that I haven’t. But I will not leave you behind on the ninth or any other floor. I promise you. Okay? We are a team, and nothing is going to break us up. No matter what.” “No matter what?” “No matter what.” We held that way for several moments. Donut trembled, and I realized I was trembling, too. Anybody watching this from the outside wouldn’t understand what had just happened. That was okay. Some things weren’t meant for others to understand.

“Odette, Darling,” Donut asked. “We’re not on air anymore, correct?” “That’s right,” Odette said. “We’re done.” Donut suddenly let out a hiss and jumped to my shoulder. “You vile, disgusting bitch,” she spat at Bea, who pulled back in surprise. “Wh… what?” Bea asked. “You danced with me. You sang to me. You made me feel loved. I didn’t do anything wrong, and you were going to give me away.” “What?” Bea asked again. “I didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing. You were the only person I ever knew. I was born, and you were there. You and Carl. I loved you, and you were my world. My whole world. I know you had a bunch of cats growing up, and maybe I was just nothing to you other than a way to win more ribbons than your mother, but you were the only human I ever knew, and to me, you were everything. And I was so stupid, because I thought since I loved you, that meant you loved me.” Odette muttered something under her breath. “And you were just awful to Carl. And even though he’s big and dumb, he didn’t deserve that. He’s not perfect, and I know he snores and has all these disgusting habits and smelly friends, but what you did to him is not okay. I know I make fun of him sometimes. I can’t help it. I’m a cat. That’s what I do. Plus, I mean, let’s be honest here. He walks right into it most of the time. But you actually betrayed him. We don’t do that to people we love. And you know what, Miss Beatrice? You don’t deserve how sad I feel right now. I still love you. I still miss you, and ...

This was sooo satisfying

“You’re not my person anymore,” Donut added. “Carl is. He’s always been.”

MY SHEILAS

“I do wonder if that was all of them,” Donut said as she watched the god and dinosaur frolic.

What a sentence

Donut: IF WE KILL MIRIAM, PREPOTENTE WILL KILL US. IT’S WHAT I WOULD DO IF ANYBODY HURT YOU. I reached up and rubbed Donut’s head.

Donut: Carl? Would you do the same thing to save me? Carl: Without hesitation.

“Carl,” Donut said, her voice soft. “Did you see who it was, when the curtain opened?” A deep, foreboding feeling washed over me. “No. What did you see?” “It was Ferdinand. I saw him. It was him. They brought Ferdinand down here and changed his memory and turned him into a jerk. He tried to kill Mongo. They’re making it so I’m going to have to fight him.” It roared. The river, it roared.

Oh shit

I caught Imani’s eye, and she gave me a look that said, you need to learn to control your goddamned cat.

The velociraptor moonwalked back across the platform. He goddamn moonwalked. As he passed Donut, she popped her sunglasses onto her face. Both bopped their heads to the music. Next to me, Elle mouthed, “Holy shit.” Even some of the hunters ended up clapping.

what is happening 😭

I reached up, and I put my hand on her. She was sticky with blood. So much blood. “It’s okay,” I said. “No, Carl,” she said. “I don’t think it is.” “Donut,” I said, reaching up with my other hand. “Come here.” She circled once and then settled into the crook of my arm, like we used to do so long ago. I ran my hand across the top of her bloody, matted head.

She trailed off. Behind me, Prepotente picked up the little baton. The one called The Enchanted Stick of Cascadia’s Screams. He started to push it into the wet spot on the glass. The stick pushed through like magic. Godsdamnit, Prepotente. Don’t do it. Please. I worked so hard to make this floor happen.

Using her left, lower hand, Eva pulled something as she died. Not from her inventory, but from the back shoulder of her own armor. It’d been there the whole time, attached to her purple, glittering breastplate. Katia had noticed it earlier, but she’d assumed it was part of the armor’s decoration. The Crown of the Sepsis Whore. That damn crown. A tiara, really. The first loot item Donut had received. It was a unique item that disappeared if you took it off. Donut had lost it at the end of the third floor. Katia had been there when it happened. It had found its way to Eva. And from Eva’s hand, it found its way to Katia’s head. Eva was dead before the crown even equipped itself. But it didn’t matter. The damage was done. “Shit,” Katia said, reaching up to touch her head. She caught eyes with Li Jun and Li Na. It melded into her form, disappearing from sight. “Shit, shit, shit.” With the crown on Katia’s head, it meant one thing. Only one of them, Donut or Katia, would be allowed to take the stairs from the ninth to the tenth floor.