The Butcher's Masquerade (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #5)

by Matt Dinniman

You have permanently killed a non-crawler biological. They ain’t just dead. They dead dead. Their children are now orphans. Their mothers are gnashing their teeth and cursing your name. And you’re just sitting there all alive and shit, and girlfriend, I am all in.

Prepotente screamed.

“What if she uses her evil whore sex magic to lure him away forever? Like one of those school teacher ladies?”

“Carl, do you think she got pregnant?” “Most definitely,” I said. “I’m too young and pretty to be a grandmother.”

“So, Holger,” Donut asked as we marched. She rode upon the back of Mongo. The rest of us walked. “Tell me about your hairstyle. What is it called again, Carl?” “A mullet,” I said. “Yes, that’s right. Business in the front, party in the back. Tell me, is it a cultural thing? Where I’m from, it’s a cultural thing. It means you’re from a people who like to say ‘Yeehaw’ a lot and listen to music about trucks and cheating girlfriends and you eat things like corndogs and fried butter. And you like to blow things up.” She looked at me. “Carl, maybe you should grow one.”

You should take me out of here more often. I’m pretty sure my bitch of a mother won’t attack anymore when you do. I’ll fuck up anything you want me to fight. You take me to Signet, and I’ll be your ride or die bitch to the end.”

“You snore, too.” The eyes softened. “I have never snored once in my life, Carl. I am both a princess and a cat. It’s quite literally impossible. Now quit talking nonsense and go to sleep.”