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June 12 - June 20, 2024
“Okay, buddy. We gotta be quick. You are balls deep in the wrong hole, and mom is pulling into the driveway. You get me?”
The moment anybody becomes a citizen, the Syndicate bends them over and fucks them. I can’t stop you from getting fucked. But I am the condom. You guys have condoms on your world? Of course you do. Everybody has condoms. Your ass is gonna hurt no matter what, but at least you won’t have tryptic genital mites after.”
The day I take a bribe from some pig-faced imperialist fuck is the day I wither.”
And how is that machine greased? The universe’s four lubricants. Blood, tears, taxes, and lawyers.”
Because Donut sounded like a helium-drunk cat being crushed by a steamroller when she attempted to sing, that was why. And even though she wasn’t that bad of a dancer, when it came to making a song emerge from that tone-deaf gullet of hers, her rhythm was that of a drunk, three-legged donkey trying to negotiate its way down a set of ice-covered stairs.
Reward: Your reward is advice. Fatherly advice. Don’t be a little bitch. There’s your reward.
LMAO XD
New Achievement! The Hand that Claws the Master (x35) You have permanently killed a non-crawler biological. They ain’t just dead. They dead dead. Their children are now orphans. Their mothers are gnashing their teeth and cursing your name. And you’re just sitting there all alive and shit, and girlfriend, I am all in.
New Achievement! Mass Casualty Event. Okay. Calm your man-tiddies. Did your mother not love you? Is your god promising you unlimited handjobs in heaven or something? You planted and then detonated an improvised explosive device within an urban population center that resulted in more than 250 non-mob casualties. You’ve done this a few times now, but this was a big one. And on purpose. You really know how to paint the town red. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Asshole’s Box.
“That was an attack! Negligence most serious! Bianca, prepare yourself for battle!” Just in front of me, the skin on Bianca rustled, black flames starting to rise off the creature’s body. “Pony,” Miriam said. “We are not fighting Carl.” “I have been insulted! This will not stand! Mother. Princess Donut. Both of you, stand back while I defend my honor!” “Suck my dick, Pony,” I said, standing up and facing the goat. Prepotente burst into tears. He jumped into the cart and wrapped his hands around Miriam, who took him into a tight hug. “Now Carl, that wasn’t very nice,” Miriam said, her voice
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We watched a one-armed, pale, and sick-looking Quan Ch switch from Imperial Security Trooper to Sergeant-at-Arms. “Well, that’s a lie, now isn’t it? It should just be Sergeant-at-Arm, not arms,” Donut quipped. “The next time we see him, I hope you rip his other arm off, Carl. Then he’ll just be a Sergeant.”
🤣🤣
“Carl, do something!” Donut exclaimed. “You! Dinosaur! Get off my baby!” Kiwi was face down, backside up, tail to the side with Mongo mounted behind her. Mongo made a throaty gurgling noise as he slammed into her over and over. “Oh, she’s getting him off all right,” I said.
LMAO 🤣
“I know I haven’t said this to you directly before, and I’m sorry that I haven’t. But I will not leave you behind on the ninth or any other floor. I promise you. Okay? We are a team, and nothing is going to break us up. No matter what.” “No matter what?” “No matter what.” We held that way for several moments. Donut trembled, and I realized I was trembling, too. Anybody watching this from the outside wouldn’t understand what had just happened. That was okay. Some things weren’t meant for others to understand.
Touching
“Princess, is there anything you’d like to say to your former owner?” “Have a good life,” Donut said. “Oh, also, if you ever get another cat, make sure you only purchase the wet food for her. And don’t conspire to sell her once she gets a little older. Don’t pretend to love her when you don’t. Don’t make her feel special when you don’t really feel that way about her. That is all.”
Personal
He’s not perfect, and I know he snores and has all these disgusting habits and smelly friends, but what you did to him is not okay.
But you actually betrayed him. We don’t do that to people we love.
You don’t deserve how sad I feel right now. I still love you. I still miss you, and I hate myself for it.
“You’re not my person anymore,” Donut added. “Carl is. He’s always been.”
Always..
“Niece! Or is it cousin? I gotta say, I love the bare breasts. It’s good. A bold statement. They’re not as good as mine, but I am impressed that our genes have held up so well. Seriously. Those are some grade-A party pillows. Small but perky. When I first got locked up, there was a time when I did a little experimenting with these demon ladies we got locked up with, and I learned to really appreciate… You know what, never mind. You don’t want to hear about that. All I’m trying to say is nice tits. You got them from my side of the family, I’ll have you know.
“What, exactly, do you wish for me to do for you?” Signet asked. “You have to give me your body,” Samantha said. “You’ll die, of course. But it’ll only take a few minutes. I’ll walk you through the spell. I see you’re a summoner, so you most definitely have the chops to cast it. Do you wish to get started now, or do you want to do the assault on the castle first? I mean, no offense, but that’ll be much easier once I take over. What’s your bra size? King Blaine loves them perky like that. Not too big. Just perfect. He’s sure to stop banging my mother once he sees my new body. We’ll have to
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New Achievement! Premature Questjaculation! You beat a quest before I could even give it to you! Anticipating what’s going to happen is one thing, but this is just ridiculous. It’s like arriving in your pants before your date can even untie their shoelaces. Pathetic.
I’d like to say my lack of reaction was because I was cool and collected. But it was really because it’d happened too fast. Still, I seized the moment and looked up at the bug, smiling.
“Can someone tell me who the lady in the robe is?” I finally asked. Then, I felt myself add, “She’s kinda hot.”
Lmao 'felt myself add' xD
Donut: OH, HONEY. YOU USED TO BE A SEX DOLL. I’M QUITE CERTAIN YOU CAN HANDLE ALL MANNER OF INDIGNITY. Samantha: DON’T SLUT SHAME ME. I’M GOING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER.
Samantha: YO, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT.
Hahdda God i love me some quirky charcters!
“Carl gave Vrah gonorrhea!” Donut cried.
There are a lot of bad things people can do when they’re in church. They can swear. They can ogle the hot nuns. They can pinch the eucharist wafers and use them as poker chips. They can rip pages from the hymnals and roll them into joints. Hell, they can stab the priest and murder all the town’s adherents and put the whole thing up on YouTube.
“All mantis couplings must be registered ahead of time. There must be a trial and psychological counseling for the male. But my family is employed by the government, so it’s forbidden to couple with a for-profit entity without putting up a bond and paying for a license.” “Psychological counseling?” Donut asked. “Whatever for? All the human males have to do is find someone who’s drunk enough to not find them completely revolting for five minutes.”
The creature scoffed. “Do you know what happens when a mantis mates?” “Probably something really gross?”
“She mates with a headless corpse while munching on the head? Are you serious?” Donut asked. “And you know this going in? You can still get it up? Carl, did you hear that?”
“Helllloooo,” she called out. “Is everybody dead? Are any of you lizards here?” She disappeared through the unguarded entrance, hollering.
“My beautiful boy,” Miriam whispered as she turned to dust. “My beautiful boy.”
The goat returned his attention back to me and Donut. “If I can’t exist in a world with my mother, then nobody even remotely responsible for her death can exist in this world, either. I am going to kill all of them, or I am going to perish trying.”
Trauma does that, I thought. It’s an explosion with your heart at the center. It changes everything all at once.
“We’re busy!” I called back. “We’ll be out in a minute!” Then, to Donut I said, “Can you say something to calm him down?” “Carl is pooping! He’s almost done!” The crocodilian’s voice went up an octave. “In the hallway? Sir, this is not a bathroom! This is the skill guild hallway!” “Real helpful, Donut,” I said.
The final, larger cart contained all of the props and costumes
And it’s not just Ferdinand. This is typical of the entire species. Cats don’t ask for permission. They never apologize. They’re soulless murderers. All of them.
