The Butcher's Masquerade (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #5)

by Matt Dinniman

You should never leave your friends. I had friends, on the last floor. Bini and Abraham and Siti. It was all ice, and we finished and popped the bubble. But I fell asleep, and I didn’t tell Gus to sleep. And… He’s the bad one.” She paused. “Cici does it, too, but Gus is worse. I think they ate your head friend. I didn’t get any points for it.”

Cici, the larger of the rottweilers entered the pub, head low. The dog’s lip curled back in a vicious snarl. Her incisors were each the length of a human hand. Holy shit, I thought. Donut was still snared for another twenty seconds. Gustavo hadn’t come in, and I assumed the other dog remained outside on the ground, gnawing on Samantha. Something changed in Lucia’s demeanor. I could see it on her face, almost like a shadow falling across it. What is that? She looked at the giant dog and said, “You want a head to play with, too, don’t you sweet Cici? Kill the kitty. Keep the head for yourself. Leave the rest for me.”

And I will have enough points to get across the bridge and back home with my papa.”

Donut, still invisible, walked up to the head and put her paw on it, pushing it over to reveal the dead monstrosity’s eyes. “Stupid dog,” Donut muttered on the screen. “The only bridge you’ll be crossing today is made out of rainbows.” The head disappeared as Donut pulled it into her inventory.

she was going to kill Gustavo’s bitch of a mother.

“She killed the wrong one,” Lucia wailed. “My sweet, sweet Cici. That cat killed the wrong one. What’s going to happen now? What’s going to happen now?”

She looked over at the empty, flaming bar. “Where’s my milk?”

I looked over at Donut, who beamed up at me triumphantly.

“Youth assistants are new,” Mordecai said. “But they’re not a dungeon thing. Children under a certain age aren’t allowed to enter the dungeon. If they descend into the dungeon, they are taken away until after the crawl. The youth assistants are the ones who take care of them. I’m not sure what the minimum age is. It’s different each time, and it changes based on intelligence level and species. Kids shouldn’t be in here. Youth assistants shouldn’t be here. It’s really strange.”

In fact, you guys are fighting back so astonishingly well, several of the silly hunters are abandoning their hunt and hiding out in Zockau. Hopefully they stop being cowards soon. If not, we may have to change things up a little.

you will be placed at the back of the pack.

Lots of hunters in saferoom. Lots and lots. They scared of Bomo.”

“You know I don’t remember the names of corpses, Carl,” Donut said. “Maybe if you pull his hand out of your inventory it will jog your memory.”

Even though the Burrowers were the same species as the mantises from the Dark Hive, I knew that they were actually two very different groups. The Dark Hive was really just a private corporation. They apparently got their money from running some sort of intergalactic amusement park. Like a fucked up version of the Disney family. The Burrowers were the royal family and the governmental entity for the mantis system. They rarely did well in faction wars, but they usually participated. Apparently they were one of the deadliest and most terrifying forces in the galaxy, but the generated NPCs they received in faction wars weren’t fellow bugs, so they usually got knocked out second after the nagas. I had a photograph of the empress mother in my inventory.

“All mantis couplings must be registered ahead of time. There must be a trial and psychological counseling for the male. But my family is employed by the government, so it’s forbidden to couple with a for-profit entity without putting up a bond and paying for a license.” “Psychological counseling?” Donut asked. “Whatever for? All the human males have to do is find someone who’s drunk enough to not find them completely revolting for five minutes.” The creature scoffed. “Do you know what happens when a mantis mates?” “Probably something really gross?” “The female eats the male’s head off. I have a smaller, secondary brain in my abdomen that keeps me alive for a few hours and allows me to keep mating until I am tapped dry.” “She mates with a headless corpse while munching on the head? Are you serious?” Donut asked. “And you know this going in? You can still get it up? Carl, did you hear that?”

“I hate everything about it. Finding the stars was the worst thing that ever happened to my people. It is a slow, horrific death. Expansion to the point of oblivion. The primals finally understood, but it was too late for them. The kua-tin, I think, know this, too. Some of them, at least. They call it the Great Consensus. But it’s not. There is no agreement. Their young don’t understand. Now, quickly. Allow me entrance into your space.”

In fact, she was doing it so deftly that I finally got the hint, and it made me relax. Donut knew exactly how lucky she was. Donut was a lot smarter than she let on, and the way she’d handled the fight with Lucia made it clear she knew what she was doing. She just didn’t want to say it out loud. Or in private, for that matter. I decided to leave it be.

Jericho Bush. It wasn’t one giant shrub, but literally thousands of them. Each individual branch was its own plant. The description simply said: These powerful vines are very durable. They have a strong dislike for people named Josh and ska music.

Donut then jumped to my shoulder and started to lick at her paw. “Don’t step in gross stuff, Carl. You know how I feel about you trailing gross stuff into the guild.”

Entering Prepotente Town Number Four. “Gah,” I muttered upon seeing the name.

“It’s worse the next street over. Everyone is in pieces. I tried making gore angels, but it’s too coagulated and sticky. And that Signet bitch hasn’t given me her body yet.”

When a nodling dies, he splits into a new creature depending on how many heads the original had. These new creatures emerge as toddlers but quickly grow.

“You do not have your cat companion with you?” Dmitri said, sounding disappointed. “I wanted to meet the cat.” “You and the damn cat,” Maxim said. “You’re always talking about this cat. We told you, it’s just Carl. Skindle told you it is just Carl. You’re going to make him feel uncomfortable.” “Uh, yeah,” I said. “Donut is back in the saferoom. She wanted to come, but they wouldn’t let her.” Dmitri sighed sadly. “I wish to meet the cat. I’ve never met a talking cat before.” “I apologize for my brother,” Maxim said. “He likes the cat. We could never have one growing up.” I knew these guys were twin brothers, but fraternal twins. So they weren’t identical before. They weren’t identical now, either, despite sharing a body. Dmitri had a rounder face while Maxim looked much more chiseled. “I’d just gotten a cat,” Dmitri added sadly. “His name was Kapitan Whiskers, and he was orange. I got him the day before... before it happened.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “Yes, my poor Kapitan. He was all alone. You’re a good man, Carl, despite what they say. You were trying to save the cat in the cold when it happened. We saw this at a panel. This is a sign of a good man.”

I looked over at the twins. “Does your associate get mad when you tell her to go fuck herself? Zev gets pretty pissed.” Dmitri looked horrified as Maxim grinned. “We shall try it later, and I will report back,” Maxim said.

“So you won’t confirm or deny my hypothesis?” “I’m going to confirm my foot up your jelly ass if you don’t move along,” Maxim growled.

One dude, a human, wanted me to autograph his foot. I refused.

“Jennifer, huh? That name is really popular where I’m from.” “It is common everywhere,” she said drily as I started to sign.

Jenn’ifer ignored my question and continued. “Anyway, Carl. The society is very real. We used money from our fund to purchase a premium pass so I could come and give you a message that you can bring directly to Princess Donut. I am the chapter president of the Princess Posse Inner System number 43. As you likely know, the Syndicate brings a select sampling of unique flora and fauna to a compatible biome in order to preserve a sampling of the lost biology. Multiple canine variations are on this list, including the C-word. I would like for you to tell Princess Donut that, as she suggested, we have filed the lawsuit to prevent this from happening. It will be difficult to succeed, but the donations are flying in.” “As she suggested,” I said evenly.

A jet-black, red-eyed goat thing appeared in the middle of the room. It zapped into existence between us and the reporters. Maxim swore as Dmitri yelped, and the nodling fell back. The goat thing was damn huge, like eight feet tall, and its long, wavy hair trailed all the way to the floor. It met my eyes and then slowly turned to face the reporters. “The Plenty!” the unseen announcer woman said. “And with this new sponsorship, Carl has been awarded a gold benefactor box, which he will open upon return to the dungeon!”

“You motherfuckers let these guys control all of the universe’s transportation systems?” I asked. Nobody laughed. Zev: We should probably avoid insulting the new sponsors, Carl.

“You think you’re safe, huh?” I asked. “What do you think you can do?” Nihit asked. “We’ll start with this,” I said, and I picked up the magical Sharpie, and I slammed it into his neck with all of my might. It, unfortunately, broke into a dozen little pieces, but a little stick of metal protruded from the naga’s neck, spurting blood as he fell over, screaming. All the other reporters shouted and jumped forward. The room blinked twice, and the lights went on. “In Bulgaria,” Maxim said after a moment of silence. “Much of the media is not trusted. But at least they pretend to be impartial. I don’t think this is the case with that guy.”

The gnoll guards surrounded me, saying nothing, grim faced. I did not see any I recognized. “Come on,” I finally said. “You have to admit, that was pretty awesome.” A guard on the end burst into laughter, but a growl from another guard shut him up pretty quick. Then, without another word, they turned and left as Zev entered the room. She waddled forward, trailing water on the metal ground. “Carl,” she said. “We can’t bring you anywhere.”

Odette had a warrant, for example. Of course she’s now married to the president of the corporation who bought her out because she’s Odette.”

He seems to think that you’re some sort of antichrist figure sent from the heavens to bring about the apocalypse. You and Donut. It’s a small, but growing, conspiracy amongst some populations. Most everyone else loves you two.”

If some other crawler put it on, we’d have to make sure they were dead, too, before Donut could exit the ninth floor.

“Just how much control do you have over this Princess Posse thing?” “Oh, that’s nothing. I already saw and approved the shirt design days ago. I’m hoping someone sends one into the dungeon so you can wear it. I must have mentioned it a hundred times by now. Honestly, Carl. Sometimes I think you don’t listen to me. I believe there are only 700 or so chapters up and running. The AI filters through most of the messages, so it’s difficult to tell. But I’m glad to see some of our initiatives are moving forward.” She sighed dramatically. “It’s important to leave the universe a better place than when you found it.” “You’re advocating for the genocide of dogs,” I said. “People don’t like it when you hurt dogs.” “My numbers tell another story, Carl. If someone is going to get all butthurt about it, there’s simply nothing I can do. It’s done, and I’m not sorry. If they’re okay with all the baby goblins you slaughtered way back on the first floor, then it’s something they’re gonna have to put up with. And it’s not all dogs. It’s just one kind. I suppose some of the breeds are endearing in their own stupid, slobbering way. Like Labradors and pugs and those ones who look like black, Rastafarian mops. It’s not genocide, anyway. I’m sure there are some cocker spaniels left running about the surface being smelly and disgusting and mauling toddlers.”

“I’d like to see that one go to trial. Odette’s trial was a farce. It was this whole production, and she pleaded down to a lesser charge just before they reached a verdict.” “Wait,” I said. “You saw Odette’s trial?” “Yeah,” Mordecai said. “I testified in it. Against her.” “But she was a crawler long before you.” “She wasn’t charged when she was a crawler. It was when she was my manager. Now open your boxes and get back out there.”

“AnD SO The lioN fEll iN lOVe WiTh The LaMB.” I’m actually quite fond of the Twilight novels. Plus, I would never stoop so low as to disparage the work of an over-imaginative and obviously undersexed artist who managed to become a brazilianaire from barely-disguised erotica targeted at adolescent girls.

Spoiler alert. Kids are all idiots, and when they’re forced into a life or death situation, they overwhelmingly make stupid decisions and get themselves killed.

This apotropaic talisman looks like something a goth teenaged girl would shoplift from a Hot Topic. A girl who dreams about one day meeting a hundred-year-old predator and making him fall in love with her. Remember, it’s not a crime if he’s handsome or rich or looks like a teenager.

I’m pretty sure this fairy tale was devised by Big Therapy in order to keep themselves in work.

“She gave you a photo of Mongo!” Donut exclaimed. “What a nice prize! Mongo, look! It’s a picture of...” she trailed off, her eyes going wide once she actually read the recipe. “Absolutely not. You’re going to have to find another way.”

“I am Mongo’s mommy, and he trusts me implicitly. I will not break that trust. A liter is a lot, too! Not a chance. We just got all this anti-vampire stuff, and here you two are talking about draining Mongo’s blood. No. No way. Mongo, come here this instant where Mommy can protect you.” Mongo scurried around the kitchen counter and hid behind Donut. “Donut, I will make a potion to cause Mongo to sleep. He won’t even know.” “I’ll know, Mordecai.”

I’m not going to abandon her. That’s not what we do here.

“Oh boy, another adventure!” Samantha cried from her spot on the kitchen counter.

“So the dinosaurs used to be bears?” Donut asked. “Carl, did you hear that? Mongo was molested by a bear!”

“Sinners get what they deserve,” little Randy said. “That’s right, honey,” Prudence said. She continued.

Donut gasped as I reached over and scratched Mongo’s head. “Hey, buddy. It looks like you banged Tina’s mom.”

“It says we have to give her what she wants,” I said. “What do you think that means? To kill all the ursine?” The walls shook as Tina collected another snack from a nearby building. Next to me, the two cubs whimpered. “Of course not, Carl,” Donut said. “Didn’t you see the movie? It’s quite obvious.” I just looked at her. “She wants to dance! We have to finish the recital!” Holy shit. Of course. “How in the flying fuck are we supposed to do that? We should just kill her.”

When you think about it, vampires are basically necromancers with an eating disorder.