How to Keep House While Drowning

by K.C. Davis

You don’t exist to serve your space; your space exists to serve you.

My friend and I are simply strength-oriented and stuck in different ways,

there are actually only five things in any room: (1) trash, (2) dishes, (3) laundry, (4) things that have a place and are not in their place, and (5) things that do not have a place. 1. The first step is to take a trash bag and pick up all the trash. Throw it away into the bag. Take large trash items like boxes and stack them together and place the trash bag with it. Do not take the trash out. 2. Next gather all of the dishes and place them in your sink or on your counter. Do not do the dishes. 3. Take a laundry basket and pick up all the clothes and shoes. Place the laundry basket next to the trash pile. Do not do the laundry. 4. Next pick a space in the room like a corner or a desk and put all the items there that have a place back in their place. Then put the items that have no place in a pile. Move to the next space and repeat until all things are back in their spots. 5. Now you will have a pile of things that do not have a place. It will be easier now that the space is clear to tackle this category. You may choose to get rid of some items that have no place and are contributing to clutter. For important things, you can find them a permanent place. 6. Take out your trash to the bin; throw laundry into the wash or laundry room. Now your space is livable. I always save the dishes for another day.

why the five things tidying method works The Five Things Tidying Method helps the brain know exactly what it is looking for, so instead of seeing a sea of clutter and being paralyzed, it can start to see individual items. Ignoring everything but that one category helps to keep you on track and not get distracted. You can move faster when you know what you are looking for. Trash, laundry, and dishes are being placed into their own containers, so you are not spending lots of time walking around your house putting things away in different places. This makes things get tidier faster. Lastly, completing a category gives you a little dopamine reward. No more spending hours trying to clean and seeing no progress. Our brains need to see progress or they get discouraged.

Instead of… Try saying: Chores → care tasks Chores are obligations. Care tasks are kindness to self. Cleaning → resetting the space Cleaning is endless. Resetting the space has a goal. It’s so messy in here! → this space has reached the end of its functional cycle It’s so messy in here feels like failure. This space has reached the end of its functional cycle is morally neutral. Good enough is good enough → good enough is perfect Good enough is good enough sounds like settling for less. Good enough is perfect means having boundaries and reasonable expectations.

sometimes the “right” way of doing something creates barriers for certain executive functioning skills. Sometimes the simple reason is that the right way is not enjoyable and so it gets procrastinated. For a lot of people, finding a method that bypasses the most executive functioning barriers or that makes a task a little less intolerable is better than what’s “quickest.” In the end, the approach that you are motivated to do and enjoy doing is the most “efficient,” because you are actually doing it and not avoiding it.

“Once I realized I did not have to be tidy to be organized, the second half of my life began!”

Organization means having a place for everything in your home and having a system for getting it there. “Tidiness” and “messiness” describe how quickly things go back to their place. A tidy person typically returns things to their home immediately whereas a messy person does not. Some people are messy because they are not organized. They don’t have adequate storage solutions or they struggle to find permanent homes for their things. However, you can be messy and organized. In my home, almost everything has a place, but ADHD and two small kids mean things don’t really get returned to their places very quickly. Instead, I have routines like closing duties and techniques

Being organized means tidying moves more quickly and makes my life more functional and c...

try a perspective shift. Instead of bullying yourself into finishing a task, instead try giving yourself permission to start a task. Let yourself get a little done. Say, “I am going to do one dish.” Often you’ll find that motivation kicks in after you have already started. It’s stressful to try to summon up 100 percent of the momentum to do something while sitting on the couch. Let yourself use 5 percent energy to do 5 percent of the task. Maybe you keep going. Maybe you don’t. That’s okay. Anything worth doing is worth doing partially.

Feeling shame for not being sustainable, for eating meat, or for purchasing fast fashion when you are fighting to get through the day is not going to cause you to magically gain the ability to do something different. Shame is a horrible long-term motivator. It is more likely to contribute to dysfunction and continued cycles of unsustainable practices.

nobody is doing all the good things all the time When I think of all the good things I could be doing—whether it’s environmentalism, activism, or other altruistic acts—I try to categorize them into two tiers. The first tier lists the standards I expect myself to be accountable to at all times and in all areas of my life. This is also the tier I welcome anyone to hold me accountable for. For me, this tier includes ensuring my behavior is not racist, sexist, classist, homophobic, transphobic, or ableist, that I always refrain from abusing or exploiting others, and that I always act with honesty and integrity. The second tier includes morally good things that aren’t absolutes but that I participate in when possible: supporting small businesses, donating money, volunteering my time, recycling, avoiding fast fashion, reducing waste, prioritizing businesses with ethical practices. I am only accountable to myself and my inner circle for how I organize this tier. No person can do all the good things all the time and expecting yourself to just sets up an oppressive perfectionism to which no one can live up. Imperfection is required for a good life.

jennifer Lynn Barnes, a YA author, tweeted: One time, I was at a Q&A with Nora Roberts, and someone asked her how to balance writing and kids, and she said that the key to juggling is to know that some of the balls you have in the air are made of plastic & some are made of glass.

As children, many of us are taught we cannot rest or play until our chores are done. This is because our parents desire to teach us the good values of responsibility, delayed gratification, care for our environment, and respect for our family. This arrangement works quite well because as a child your chores are finite. Usually a short list: make your bed, take out the trash, and fold your laundry, et cetera. So we finish this list and move on without guilt. However, when we become adults, this list of care tasks is not finite. It is a never-ending list of tasks that repeat themselves daily. How many of us have internalized the message that we cannot move on to rest or play until this list is done? And if we do, we feel guilt. How will we raise our children (or re-parent ourselves) to learn both responsibility and rest?

In the evenings when Michael comes home from work, he rolls right into engaging our children. I will pivot from the children to making dinner and then he does bath time and bedtime while I do closing duties (more on those later). We both finish up around 7:30 pm and sit down to watch television with each other until bedtime. Oftentimes when we sit down at 7:30 the living room is a mess, the laundry is unfolded, and at least one area of our house looks like a bomb went off. Yet we sit down anyways. Everyone clocks out at 7:30 pm. That’s because the key to ensuring fair rest in our home has much more to do with showing appreciation and giving each other the benefit of the doubt than it does with whose job it is to take out the trash. How we speak to each other, enjoy each other, and love each other in the million non–care task spheres of our lives sets a foundation of trust. Michael doesn’t wake up early to get kids ready for the day and that’s fine with me; I assume that means he needs the extra sleep. Likewise, our home is never picture-perfect when he comes home and that’s just fine with him; he assumes that means the kids and I must have had either a really fun or really difficult day. Michael and I are not without our normal marital struggles. Like all couples, we have disagreements on family labor at times. But it has still served us best to focus on striving for the rest being fair. Fair rest covers a multitude of division of labor sins.

you have a particularly rude or pushy person in your life, you can use my favorite boundary phrase, which is “thank you for your concern, but I am not taking any feedback on this issue right now.”

This list is here to serve me; I do not serve this list. This schedule is here to make my life easier, not to make it harder. The schedule isn’t for telling me what I must do or reminding me about what I haven’t done. The way it serves me each day is by taking the burden of decision-making away. I don’t have to feel as though I have to clean everything and I don’t have to waste time analyzing which task should be prioritized. I get to do the thing for today and then focus on other things knowing I’ll get to the rest of it eventually.

Being kind to yourself while eating ice cream is healthier than hating yourself while eating a salad.

you do not exist to serve your space, your space exists to serve you.

My examples for finding the function of my care tasks: Floors 1. Health and Safety: I need to remove tripping hazards and prevent bugs, mold, and bacteria from spreading or growing. 2. Comfort: I want room for kids to play; I don’t like bits of dirt sticking to my feet when I am barefoot. 3. Happiness: I like the way the room looks when the floors are clean and mopped. Feels peaceful.

Laundry 1. Health and Safety: I need to have clean clothes to wear. 2. Comfort: I want my clothes to look nice and for me to find what I am looking for easily. 3. Happiness: I like having an aesthetically pleasing closet.

Tidying 1. Health and Safety: I need to remove tripping hazards. 2. Comfort: I want to be able to find the things I need, to have room for my hobbies, so my kids can focus better when they play. 3. Happiness: I like to be able to decorate for the holidays in the main room and it looks nicer to me if things are tidy. I like to create an inviting environment for guests.

Bathroom Cleaning 1. Health and Safety: I need to prevent mold and bacteria from growing or spreading. 2. Comfort: I want be able to find my things, to see clearly in the mirror, for things to smell good. 3. Happiness: I like to have a calming place to take a bath; I like to have a clear spot to do my makeup.

Dishes 1. Health and Safety: I need to have clean dishes with which to eat and cook. 2. Comfort: I want to have a clear sink to bathe the baby, to have more counter space available. 3. Happiness: I don’t have a happiness layer for dishes.

Bathing/Showering 1. Health and Safety: I need to remove dirt and dead skin cells from my body. 2. Comfort: I want to have clean hair so I can look nice and not feel greasy. To smell nice and feel confident in public. 3. Happiness: I like to be able to relax, to focus on myself, and to read a book in the tub.

Dusting 1. Health and Safety: I need to prevent allergies and help control my asthma. 2. Comfort: I want to be able to set things down without them getting dusty, to remove pet fur so it doesn’t get on my clothes. 3. Happiness: I like feeling like I have created a warm and inviting space for guests.

Cleaning My Kitchen 1. Health and Safety: I need to prevent bugs, bacteria, and mold from spreading or growing. 2. Comfort: I want to have plenty of space to cook and do my hobbies on the kitchen island. It’s easy to sit down for family dinner when the table is clear. 3. Happiness: I like the way my kitchen looks when the counters are clear.

station: Getting a drying rack just for dirty dishes can mean that when it comes time to wash them or load them into the dishwasher you feel less overwhelmed. This is because the dishes are organized in a way that is not visually overwhelming. Some families find that purchasing a dish tub really increases the functionality of their space. This way, dirty dishes can be placed into the tub, keeping the sink clear for other needs.