Does It Hurt?

by H.D. Carlton

How is it that I want to hurt her, yet protect her from my own damn self?

And I hate her even more in this moment. Because the longer I stare at her, the harder it is to fucking breathe. It’s enraging that she has that control over me—that she holds so much power, she can suck the oxygen from my body like it’s hers to wield.

You want to know how long I waited?” She swallows and sits up, looking away instead of giving me an answer. One side of my lips tilts up the slightest bit, but there’s nothing funny about a mother abandoning her child. “That’s the thing. I’m still waiting,”

“That also means the nanny didn’t notice when Kev wanted to… play.”

After the shipwreck, I had told her that she was weak. But I realize now that I was wrong. Being scared and weak aren't synonymous. It takes strength to keep getting back up after constantly being knocked down.

“Don’t ever think of yourself that way. And don’t ever think that I will, too. You’re so much more than the people who have hurt you.” My face twists, not believing that for a second. “I will make you see that,” he vows. “What happened to you does not define you. It only forged a new path that will take you to a different version of yourself. But no one can force you to walk that road; only you can determine who you will be once you get there. It’s your choice who you become, Sawyer.”

“No more running, baby. I want him to come looking for you just so I can have the privilege of ending his life for touching what’s mine.” My stomach clenches, and as much as I’d like to say it’s the effect of the alcohol, I know better. “I wasn’t yours then. You didn’t even know me.” The pad of his thumb brushes across my cheek, but it’s far from loving. It feels like the placating touch of a killer right before he ends your life. “You were always destined to be mine,”

“It’s not like they let me file a report. There was no record of my accusation.”

“Because I want to be the only thing that keeps you up at night, bella ladra,” he growls. “And if anyone is going to hurt you, it’s going to be me.”

I don’t know why or how, but I fucking miss him. I prefer his fire over ice, his anger over silence, and his hate over indifference. I would take the worst of him if it meant I never had to go without him.

They both stole so much of my life from me and left without a backward glance. Without remorse. Yet, the urge to go find her and fight with her again is almost unbearable. Growling in frustration, I swipe my hands over my hair, the strands longer than I’m used to. Seeing her is a bad idea. I still want to fucking throttle her, but fuck if I don’t want to kiss her, too. Even worse, I want to protect her while also wanting to protect myself from her.

“I saved your life, you saved mine.” I frown. What the fuck is she talking about? “Is this another one of your lies?” Her features twist, and in a matter of seconds, the cute angry kitty grows into a fierce lioness. “No,” she bites out. “Do you think you washed up on this shore by luck?” I stare at her, processing her implication. “You were knocked out cold, and I swam us here.”

It’s then I realize he is the hellfire.

“Tell me about the shipwreck,” he says. Instantly, I'm transported back into that cold ocean, disoriented and deprived of oxygen as powerful waves commanded my body. “It’s all kind of a blur. I remember the terror the most and feeling so disoriented. But I saw you there floating, and I tried calling your name, but you wouldn’t answer. I swam to you and saw that you were unconscious and bleeding. All I could think about was the sharks.”

“You could’ve left me and saved yourself.” I shrug. “It didn't cross my mind. But I don't know if it's because I'm all that virtuous. I would've rather struggled with you than be alone.” His hands are unmoving for a beat, then resume. “I called you weak,” he states. “Why didn’t you correct me?” “Because I am—” “You’re not,” he interjects, voice hard and unyielding. “You’re not weak, Sawyer. You’re exceptional. And I’m sorry I ever validated that misconception.”

“If I knew exactly when you were lying every time you did it, do you think you would continue to do it?”

“Running and hiding is easier. Sometimes, I will say and do anything to get someone to turn their attention away from me. It feels safer that way. Confrontation… it’s never led to anything good.”

The way he’s looking at me now, there’s no stone fortress built around him. He’s entirely exposed, and it’s one of the most heart-wrenching sights I’ve ever seen.

“I lie to myself every day. I tell myself that I'm so fucking addicted to you because of how sweet your pussy tastes or how it cries so easily for me. But I know it's only because of you.”

We built our tower to Heaven, but God is angry again, and once more, we’re speaking different languages.

“I’ve never feared death, Enzo. I’m only afraid to live and it all be for nothing.” A tear slips from my eye, despite my attempts to hold it back. “I’ve spent so much time running that I don’t remember why I’m living.”

“Even as a kid, I was angry at the world, and I was always told that I’d waste my life away if I settled into that anger. Of course, I didn’t care. And until recently, I stayed firm in that way of thinking. I didn’t care about life when I felt so goddamn worthless to the one who was supposed to love me most. Then you came around and stole it from me. Yet somehow, it feels like you gave it back instead.”

“Do you know what attracts a predator to its prey, amore mio?” “What?” I whisper. “When it’s hurt,” he murmurs, placing a featherlight kiss on my jaw. “I love it when you're hurt, baby, but only when it's me who inflicts the pain.” A whimper escapes as his teeth graze where his lips once were. “You will heal, Sawyer. And as long as you are with me, you will never have to cause pain again. But when you are between my teeth, I will make you bleed. I will make you hurt instead.”

wanted to say it was the truth when you asked if I hated you, but I couldn’t lie, so I said nothing. And every time I laid eyes on you today, all I could think was that I never really did.” He pulls away enough to catch my watery gaze. “Choose to live, bella. Choose me.”

“Does it hurt?” he rasps, knowing how fucking abrasive he is. I shake my head. “Not enough,”

A tsunami could sweep us away in this very moment, and I’d be safe from the carnage. I’m no longer wherever I was, I’m only where I should be.

“I’m going to choose to live because I refuse to die for Kevin. But the life I’ve chosen for myself is something I have to suffer through alone, Enzo.”

I’ve known her for barely over six weeks, and she’s already got me falling at her fucking feet. Choose me. She didn’t. Instead, she used sex to distract me and then chose a life of suffering over one with me.

She’s walking lightning. Both beautiful and fucking destructive.

“I think I might stay here,” she says. “I know you asked me to choose you, but choosing you means dragging you into the mess I’ve created. If I stay, I won’t need to steal from anyone anymore. I won’t need to keep running.”

“I’m going to protect you, Sawyer,” I promise her. Her eyes shoot back to mine, once more widening with surprise. “I don’t agree with how you live your life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand. You’re not a fucking coward. You’ve been fighting your entire life and deserve rest.” Her bottom lip trembles and she captures it between her pretty white teeth. Once more, I’m hit with the craving to taste them. It’s not just a want, it’s a need. “You can’t let them find me,” she whispers. “The only one who will ever find you is me, Sawyer. You can hide from everyone else, but you can’t hide from me.”

“Is it hate?” she croaks, trembling beneath my touch. “I don’t hate you,” I say. Another kiss. “And you deserve to have a life. A real one.” Kiss.

“If you want me to stay with you—choose you—then I want you to get on your knees and apologize for how you’ve been treating me,”

It’s also pride, desire, and the unbending need to give her everything she wants. Because fuck, am I proud of her for making me beg for her forgiveness.

“I’ve been punishing you for something you didn’t do—something beyond stealing an identity. I’ve been making you hurt because I’m hurt, but you’re not the one who broke me. And it was never my right to break you.”

Can she see a man falling in love with a little thief? Can she see that I don’t want to but will submit to it anyway? Just as I’m submitting to her now.

I wanted to take all her broken pieces, and fucking shatter them—turn them into dust so she could never be whole again. I realize now how foolish it was when I could take those pieces and give them a home amongst my own.

“You will need for nothing, amore mio. Ti darò tutto.”

“You felt like a burden,” I surmise. “I didn’t know how to be anything else,”

“Why were they disappointed?” “I wasn’t him,” I say, bitterness leaking into my tone. “Once he started abusing me, I became withdrawn. I was rebellious, while he was the perfect angel. They wanted their sweet little girl back, but they wouldn’t listen when I said their sweet little boy was the one who broke me.”

“I’m glad that you found peace. At least until you met me,” I say, ending with a sardonic snort. There’s a brief pause before he lets loose the softest chuckle, causing my stomach to somersault. “You’re right. You’ve brought chaos into my life.” And then, finally, he closes his hand around mine, squeezing back. “I like it, bella.”

“You've made ’em angry,” he spits over his shoulder. “Me?” I echo, taken aback. “You’re the one acting crazy.” “You haven’t seen crazy, young lady. Now get in there!” The moment the last word leaves his mouth, the footsteps above freeze, heightening the sound of his voice to a thunderous level. Get in where? My question is quickly answered when it registers that he’s motioning with the gun in the direction of his room.

Fuck, I love her. The little thief is capable of so much; it’ll only be Sylvester’s demise if he forces her into that position. But he won’t get the chance to. Instead, I’ll be his demise.

He scowls, aiming another glare my way as he hobbles toward the cellar. Once he’s in front of it, I decide to make it easy on him. Lifting my leg, I power it straight into his back, sending him flying down the hole.

Morirà lentamente. I will claim self-defense when the authorities get here. He put his hands on my girl, and I sure as fuck will no longer allow him the gift of breath.

She’s so fucking beautiful.

“He wants what I have.” When she stays silent, I drop my gaze to her. “You, bella. He doesn’t like the thought of me having you,”

“Because anyone who looks at what’s mine will never live to tell about it,” I rasp. “Is that what I am?” she croaks. “Yours?” “You always have been,” I murmur. “Now, it's only a matter of if you stay.”

“È impossibile odiarti quando mi fai sentire così vivo,”

“Ed è esattamente per questo che voglio odiarti. Prima di incontrare te ero un sonnambulo. Cazzo, non ero pronto a svegliarmi.