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That’s what I was afraid of. Love skating again. Having skating to hold on to. Having skating become a life-savor, again.
It will return. Depression doesn’t just leave because you actually do what you used to love for once.
As much as I will hate myself for doing this afterward, I fall into Colin’s arms, in desperate need of a hug. Not because I sort of pulled off this jump, but because I’m skating.
“I’ll take your bad days with your good, walk through the storm, I would. I do it all because I love you”—Unconditionally by Katy Perry
“Lily has been mine from the second we met. There were no lies in me telling you she’s my girlfriend.”
“If you ever find someone that makes you want to rip your heart out and hand it to that person on a silver platter. If you ever find someone that warms not only your bed but also your heart and soul… hold on to them forever. They’re your sun. They’re what’s bringing light into your life. If they can ease your pain with just being there, lighten your mood, brighten up your days by simply being in your life. Colin, Eira, el o ella es tu sol.”—he or she is your sun.
“Colin,” she sighs. “You’re not supposed to say things like that, let alone feel that way about me.”
“I fell for you all the way to rock bottom”—24 Hours by Alexander Stewart
“Cause, mi sol, even if you’re going to die, I’ll always remember you. You’ll always be a part of my life, of my heart. Even if this ends in pieces of glass, shattered. You’ve made my life better in a couple of days. You’ve shone through the layers of fog that clouded me. You do have my ultimate loyalty, even after you’ve died. I couldn’t move on from you. I don’t even want to. You’re all that I am, Lily. I feel like I’m suffocating when you’re not around. And when I do breathe, you’re in every breath I take. You’re everywhere I look, everywhere I go.
You’re everywhere. And that’s how I want it to be.” I add, “I didn’t want to get this tattoo after you’ve already passed. I wanted—needed—you to know that you’ve got me. You’ll always have me.”
“Yes, Lily, the world is fucking cruel. It’s breaking you down, taking away every good thing you have. It’s painful. It’s dark. It’s making you lose your goddamn mind.”
“But it’s also bright and filled with joy. It has good things to offer if you fucking let them in.”
“You’re living on a floating rock filled with water and you’re expecting life to make sense. Well, breaking news: It doesn’t make any fucking sense to anyone. Your whole existence doesn’t make sense. For all we know, we could be a part of someone’s imagination and wouldn’t even know it because this, our current life, is all we’re familiar with. Yet you’re here. You’re here for a reason, regardless of it maybe not making sense at all. Your reason to be here certainly isn’t to die earlier than you’re destined to. You have so much more to experience, so much more to see. And you’re wanting to
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“I can’t get through life on my own, Colin. I can’t. I’m not that strong. I’m falling apart at every single tiny thing that fights back. I can’t keep living, feeling like a broken piece that’s never going to be whole again.”
“For fuck’s sake, Lily!” I say louder than intended, being seconds away from hitting something—not Lily—with my fists. “You are not alone!”
“I’m alo—” “YOU HAVE ME!” I yell from the top of my lungs. “You have me. You’ll always have me, Liliana Heaven Reyes. You’ve had me since the day I found you crying in the arena. I’ve done nothing but to love you all these days. I took you on silly dates. The happiness you’ve experienced all this time, it wasn’t because the places were oh-so magical. You felt alive. You felt loved.”
“I fell in love with you, Lily. I spent eight, or seven, however many days I’ve actually had with you, trying to make you fall in love with me too.” She opens her mouth to speak but I cut her off before she gets to do so. “I know I’m fucking selfish. But yeah, there you have it. I love you. Now, go on, break my heart, Lily. I don’t care what you do with it, you have it all. Throw it on the streets and let a car run it over, step on it, I really don’t care, as long as you’re the one breaking me.”
“and you don’t know how you feel but you’re getting real close”—I Need You to Hate Me by JC Stewart
“You’re going to take care of Lily for me, won’t you?” She attempts to squeeze my hand. I shake my head. “I think you’re more likely going to have to do that for me.”
“Sin lágrimas.”
“Vale, lo prometimos, nada de lágrimas.”
“I love you.” She takes her last breath, eyes closing… and they never open up again.
I was not ready for this.
“I’ll remind you of the world and its wonder”—Wait for you by Tom Walker
You know Aaron, he loves to talk. My talkative brother has of no importance right now. Actually, he does.
I’d like to think that you’d rather have me all to yourself or nobody’s allowed to have me at all.
That means, if I don’t fall in love with you, the way you fell in love with me… you don’t want me to be alive, so I don’t get the chance to fall in love with anyone else. Anyone who isn’t you.
But that’d also mean you fell in love with me way before we even truly knew one another. Maybe it was love at first sight on your pa...
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was
I felt like our relationship had shifted. And you only proved it when you told me to harm you if I felt like harming myself.
The words you said to me… Colin, they were the most pain-filled and most loving words I’ve ever heard. “You can have a death wish all you want, but if you’re ...
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When I wished for you to be happy, to find a girlfriend who loves you unconditionally. Someone to be alongside you when I can’t be there anymore. The plate didn’t break. Colin, do you believe in miracles? In the universe sending signs?
What if the plate didn’t break because the wish wasn’t supposed to be granted? What if you’re not supposed to find a new girlfriend. Now that sounds awful. I’m sorry. What if the plate didn’t break because the universe was trying to tell me, or us, that there won’t be any unconditional love when it’s not with
And the third person is you, Colin. Not only were you the first and only guy to ever say those words to me (apart from Aaron and my father, but you know, it’s a different kind of love). You were also the first guy I felt something back for.
You don’t need wounds to heal right away when there’s tape.
When I hit rock bottom, on the verge of giving up… I’ve been sent someone to—not to show me the most beautiful places—but to remind me that I don’t have to fight my demons on my own.
I will always carry the scars, they’ll never fade. But that doesn’t mean I have to keep the wounds open. I have the choice to put some tape over it. Sure, tape eventually opens back up, but there’s always more tape.
I want to be alive, Colin. Even if you won’t stay in my life after this day… you’ll always be the person who saved me. The person who loved me back to life.
The person who showed me that there’s happiness in cruelty, that there’s light in the darkness.
So, thank you, Colin. For Trying. For being there. For understanding. Thank. You. Lily
“if I was dying on my knees, you would be the one to rescue me”—Brother by Kodaline
He smiles at me softly, or tries to, then shakes his head. “I knew she would die. It’s alright. Eira would kill me if I wasted more tears on her. She was excited to start a new adventure.”
“I didn’t know when you’d be back. As much as I love Aaron, we both know he couldn’t have convinced me to stay if my mind changed again. When I woke up this morning and I was still going strong with wanting to stay alive, I needed to see my mother. I needed to tell her that she drove me this far. That because of her, because of her actions, I’m way too close to make her wish come true. She didn’t even flinch when I told her I wanted to die as much as she wanted me to. All she did was stare at me with this emptiness in her eyes, the same I’m sure I’ve shown you plenty of times,”
still be alive after I witnessed my mother still not giving a fuck about me. I could’ve called Aaron, probably even should have. I should’ve given him a sign that I’m still alive when he texted and called me a million times after he woke up. But I didn’t want to give him hopes that I’d still be alive five minutes later. “When I left my mother’s house,
“But I have to warn you, you’re stuck with me now, mi sol. For as long as you’ll have me,” he whispers and pulls away from the hug.
“I love you, Colin Carter. Truth be told, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be standing here anymore. You saved me, Colin.”
“Okay, how about we try not to put our lives anywhere near the death-line? I don’t think you would survive another heart attack.”
“Did you look at that thing? He’s so totally murderous. But if you promise to tell him to let me live, he can stay.”
Pain comes in all sorts of ways. Some might get hit worse, some less, but there’s always pain in life.
The amount of pain doesn’t matter, pain stays pain, and it sucks. It will never leave, will always be present. But it’s on us to decide whether or not we’ll let it consume us.
“I wouldn’t have made it if I didn’t have you holding my hand”—Control by Zoe Wees
