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“Colin managed to make me feel more alive in three days than I’ve ever felt for almost twenty-one years. You can’t seriously be mad at your best friend for making my life better.”
“You’ll hurt me either way. Might as well use my body right from the start.” “I couldn’t do this to you, Colin,” I cry. “I couldn’t hurt you like that.”
happiness. It’s been four days. Four silly days and he’s done nothing but bring light into my life. And here I am hurting the guy that tries to be my savior.
“I want nothing more but for you to experience less pain. I don’t need you to be one hundred percent happy. No one ever is. You’re already living with so much pain, one I will never understand. But I can make sure you’re not adding more to it.” He sounds sincere, like he actually means what he says. And I can’t help but want that as well.
“I don’t want help, Colin. I want my pain to go away. I want nothing more but to never have to feel the way I do ever again.” “And you think committing suicide is just going to make it disappear?” “I wouldn’t know, but
“Explain what exactly?” “How do you come to that decision? Wanting to die, I mean. There are so many other options, yet you choose to go with death. Help me understand why.”
It’s not happening. And that’s what my life feels like, Colin. I’ve been waiting to hit the corner for years, it never happened. Not once. I give up.”
“It’s said that when you encounter a ladybug something positive is about to happen. It’s supposed to resemble that even the gloomiest days will be brightened. And well, your name is Lily. The lily is a beautiful flower with yet another deep meaning. Mix that with ladybug and what do we get? Lilybug.”
“Happy Birthday, Lilybug.”
“The way I’ve wanted him to look at me for a while,” she says, but I don’t quite understand. “Like he’s in love with you.”
“I’ve been looking for love, all I’m finding is pain”—Shawn Mendes by Seth Bishop
Colin Carter would be the only reason for me to stay alive, and that’s such a stupid reason.
“when your eyes can’t see, take your eyes from me. When you’re lost and losing faith, I will be your saving grace”—Saving Grace by Kodaline
“Twenty-two, for twenty-one years of bullshit. And one for me, because I had to demonstrate how to do this safely.”
“I wished for you to find a girlfriend who loves you unconditionally. Someone to be alongside you when I can’t do that anymore.” I gulp, swallowing
“Because I need you to be happy, even after my death. I need you to be okay. I want to know you found your happiness, Colin.”
How do I tell someone who’s suicidal that I’ve already found my happiness, and it will leave right when she does? How do I tell her that she is my happiness, that she is bringing light to my life? How do I tell her that she is my joy, everything that brings me satisfaction, that she is my euphoria… without sounding like I want her to stay alive for me?
Lily laughs… again. “Did you not read what it said on the screen by the end?” “It’s a movie. You don’t do reading while watching a movie, Lilybug.”
“even when it’s do or die, we could do it, baby, simple and plain, cause this love is a sure thing”—Sure Thing by Miguel
after. “Don’t be like that Miles. Lily isn’t some toy. She means a lot to me, and I promise you, I will break your nose if you continue that behavior around her or me. I’m not sure Brooke would like to see that.”
“Clearly, you weren’t aware of it, but you’re mine, Lily.” Colin takes a seat inside the car, not yet looking at me. “I won’t put a label on whatever we are because you’d run for the hills if I did. But if I see you flirt with another guy ever again, I will make sure he experiences afterlife earlier than you do.”
He smells nice, like rosewood and fresh laundry. I think I might’ve found my favorite scent after all. Colin.
“I’m never going to do this with anyone else ever again,” Colin speaks into the silent room. “It’s only going to be you.”
“hearts break and hell’s a place that everyone knows”—Don’t Be so Hard on Yourself by Jess Glynne
It’s one thing when you want to die, but another when your own mother wants you dead.
He wanted to watch the sunrise and ended up watching me. It was one of the most magical sunrises I’ve ever seen, and yet I couldn’t concentrate because his eyes were on me.
He is a nosy pain in the ass. Thinking I don’t know he’s awake and reads this right now. Lily
“God dammit, Lilybug. We’re talking about the mini Froggo. You’ve got to pay more attention to me.” I stroke
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” My eyebrows rise. “More attention from me,” she declares, tilting her head
“I would eat anything you made, simply because you made it.” “It
“I could’ve prevented it. If only I had taken him more seriously. If I had told our parents what he told me. If I had spoken to him about it… anything. It doesn’t matter, but I know I could’ve prevented it if I had opened my mouth to my family. Yet I didn’t take him seriously enough.”
“You’re not a therapist, Colin. You can’t fix her. No one can fix her. You can’t just take her on some fun dates and expect her to feel alive, not to the point where she magically wants to be alive.”
“She’s depressed. Lily is suicidal. Get her the goddamn help she needs. She might not want it, hell, she might hate you for betraying her, but what would you rather be the outcome? The girl you so clearly adore and obsess over being dead, or her getting better thanks to professional help?”
Trying to hold in my chuckle is almost impossible. The thought of my brother crying because his best friend kisses me occasionally is pretty hilarious.
I stand in the middle of the parking lot, head held up toward the sky that’s crying on me. Maybe that’s why I find rain freeing? It looks like the sky is crying. If the sky can cry and let its frustration out, so can I.
“Eres el amor de mi vida, mi sol.”
“Siempre te amaré.”
“wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you”—Can’t Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley
“You could have died,” I mumble, once again, to myself, but of course, he hears it. Tears continue to slip past my eyes, running down my cheeks. The thought of Colin dying is too absurd, too much to think about, too painful to think about. What would I have done if he ate it? What if he would have died?
The only source of light in my life can’t die on me. Colin can’t die even if he wanted to. Not ever. Okay, maybe of old age, but even that is almost crossing the line.
Sure, Colin didn’t want me to die right from the start, but this is not about him dying that’s bugging me so much. I mean, I don’t want him to die, but the pain I feel just thinking about his death… that’s what’s bugging me.
“You’re breaking my heart, Lilybug. I can’t stand to see you cry.”
“That means, hottie saved your life.” I bet Wees is smiling cockily. “Her name is Lily.”
“Estaré bien, Mamá,” my sister reassures. “Estoy enferma, no muerta.”
it’s
“he’s gonna save my life like superman”—Hide Away by Daya
“Do it for yourself, Lilybug. For the little girl that used to love standing on the ice, feeling like she’s floating, jumping from cloud to cloud. I know that’s what it used to feel like. Freeing. Like you’re floating through the sky, above the clouds, reaching for the stars. Do it for the little girl that had big dreams, dreams she shared with her favorite person in the universe. The dream that had you on the ice between hockey halves to show the audience—with a huge smile—that skating doesn’t require a puck and sticks, goals, and massive guys that try their hardest not to send their opponent
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The same girl that would hate herself right about now if she knew her older self put her dreams to rest.
Something inside of me rises, shines, and glows, brings warmth to my chest in the way only Colin ever managed to. It’s this kind of warmth that screams comfort, passion, love. It’s as though my body knows this is what I was supposed to do, where I’m supposed to be.
What I realize now, one only ever starts missing something when you no longer have it. Eventually, that can turn into your new “normal”. A life without that one thing, but it’s never going to be the same again. You start to forget what it was like, what it felt like with your passion still being in your life. You learn to live without it, and it becomes natural. And then you get it back—if you’re lucky enough, that is—and only then do you realize how much you’ve missed it.
