The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward

by Daniel H. Pink

Why Regret Makes Us Better “There is a crack, a crack in everything That’s how the light gets in.” Leonard Cohen, 1992

We often compound bad choices by continuing to invest time, money, and effort in losing causes instead of stanching our losses and switching tactics.

It’s also something that experiencing regret can fix.

THE THREE BENEFITS OF REGRET

1. Regret can improve decisions.

2. Regret can boost performance.

3. Regret can deepen meaning.

The Four Core Regrets

Foundation regrets.

our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent.

Boldness regrets.

What haunts us is the inaction itself.

Moral regrets.

we behave poorly, or compromise our belief in our own goodness,

Connection regrets.

we neglect the people who help establish our own sense of wholeness.

If regrets make us human, how do we enlist them to make us better, more satisfied people?

For action regrets, your initial goal should be to change the immediate situation for the better. That’s not always possible, but we have two ways to advance toward that goal. We can undo many such regrets: we can make amends, reverse our choices, or erase the consequences.

using At Leasts to help us feel better

STEP 1. UNDO IT

to address regrets of action, begin by asking yourself these questions:

If I’ve harmed others, as is often the case with moral regrets and sometimes the case with connection regrets, can I make amends through an apology or some form of emotional or material restitution?

If I’ve harmed myself, as is the case for many foundation regrets and some connection regrets, can I fix the mistake? For example, can I begin paying down debt or logging a few more hours at work? Can I reach out immediately to someone whose connection I severed?

If the action regret can be undone, try to do that—even if a light physical or metaphysical bruise remains.

STEP 2. AT LEAST IT

recast the way we think about them.

At Leasts don’t alter our behavior or boost our performance in the future, but they do help us reassess the present.

especially helpful for addressing peskier regrets that fall outside the big four categories.

So, with action regrets that are bringing you down, ask yourself: How could the decision I now regret have turned out worse? What is one silver lining in this regret? How would I complete the following sentence? “At least . . .”

Disclosure, Compassion, and Distance

disclose the regret, reframe the way we view it and ourselves, and extract a lesson from the experience to remake our subsequent decisions.

STEP 1. SELF-DISCLOSURE: RELIVE AND RELIEVE

The first step in reckoning with all regrets, whether regrets of action or inaction, is self-disclosure.

disclosing our thoughts, feelings, and actions—by telling others or simply by writing about them—brings an array of physical, mental, and professional benefits.

Denying our regrets taxes our minds and bodies.

harmful rumination.

Writing about regret or revealing a regret to another person moves the experience from the realm of emotion into the realm of cognition.

to begin to harness your regrets to improve in the future, try any of the following:

Write about your regret for fifteen minutes for three consecutive days. Talk about your regret into a voice recorder for fifteen minutes for three consecutive days. Tell someone else about the regret in person or by phone. Include sufficient detail about what happened, but establish a time limit (perhaps a half hour) to avoid the possibilities of repetition and brooding.

STEP 2. SELF-COMPASSION: NORMALIZE A...

Self-criticism can sometimes motivate our performance when we criticize ourselves for particular actions rather than for deep-seated tendencies.

self-criticism

often leads to rumination and hopelessness instead of pro...

We all need some baseline level of self-esteem to survive today and flourish tomorrow.

The most powerful and promising alternative—and

self-compassion delivers the benefits of self-esteem without its drawbacks. It can insulate us from the debilitating consequences of self-criticism, while short-circuiting self-esteem’s need to feel good through vanity and comparison.

the second step in transforming our regrets is to ask ourselves three questions:

If a friend or relative came to you with the same regret as yours, would you treat that person with kindness or contempt? If your answer is kindness, use that approach on yourself. If your answer is contempt, try a different answer.

Is this type of regret something that other people might have endured, or are you the only person ever to have experienced it? If you believe your stumble is part of our common humanity, reflect on that belief, as it’s almost always true.

Does this regret represent an unpleasant moment in your life, or does it define your life? Again, if you believe it’s worth being aware of the regret but not overidentifying with it, you’re on your way. If you believe this regret fully constitutes who you are, ask someone else what they think.