The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward

by Daniel H. Pink

STEP 3. SELF-DISTANCING: ANALYZE AND STRATEGIZE

Self-distancing changes your role from scuba diver to oceanographer,

create distance from our regrets in three ways.

First, we can distance through space.

view the scene from the perspective of a neutral observer.

The second way to self-distance is through time.

Mentally visiting the future—and then examining the regret retrospectively—activates

The third method of self-distancing,

is through language.

When we abandon the first person in talking to ourselves, the distance that creates can help us recast threats as challenges and replace distress with meaning.

to gain the benefits of self-distancing, try any of the following:

Imagine your best friend is confronting the same regret that you’re dealing with. What is the lesson that the regret teaches them? What would you tell them to do next? Be as specific as you can. Now follow your own advice.

Imagine that you are a neutral expert—a doctor of regret sciences—analyzing your regret in a clean, pristine examination room. What is your diagnosis? Explain in clinical terms what went wrong. Next, what is your prescription? Now write an email to yourself—using your first name and the pronoun “you”—outlining the small steps you need to learn from the regret.

If your regret involves your business or career, try a technique from the late Intel CEO Andy Grove, who reportedly would ask himself, “If I were replaced tomorrow, what would my successor do?”

Imagine it is ten years from now and you’re looking back with pride on how you responded to this regret. What did you do?

Looking backward can move us forward, but only if we do it right. The sequence of self-disclosure, self-compassion, and self-distancing offers a simple yet systematic way to transform regret into a powerful force for stability, achievement, and purpose.