What Never Happened

by Rachel Howzell Hall

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. —Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

Colette Sienna Weber of Los Angeles, California, is no more. She left this world on Sunday, March 22, 2020. The woman didn’t heed any of our previous warnings. That is why Colette was taken to the highest point on Santa Catalina and shot in her fingers, toes, and then knees, living agonizingly long enough to suffer until one final bullet between the eyes ended her for good. We warned you, Colette. You fucked around—and you found out.

All Colette wanted was to be kissed at the end of the pier, to hold hands sticky from cotton candy, to have a guy with pretty eyes and great hair win her a stuffed unicorn after knocking over all the milk jars. All she’d wanted was to hear that guy say, “You complete me,” or . . . something.

And catching me means boarding a ferry and crossing the Pacific Ocean, and then finding me on an island that murdered my family twenty years ago.

Because promises are potato chips. They’re cheap. Easy to break. Too many hurt your heart.

“You have to stop and face your demons before you can win the game. You may get a little bloody, even lose a limb—or a few fingers—but know this.” At a stop sign, he looks over to me. “Running ain’t gonna make it go away.”

I smile and follow Maddy to her office. Ha. This bitch really thinks I trust her.

Guilt is irrational, Dr. Tamaguchi has told me several times. Guilt demands ransom even though you’re broke, and it demands that you keep it company even though it’s fused to every molecule in your body. Guilt makes you scream, “What more do you want?” even though it’s already taken everything, including your happily ever after.

“Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.” I squint at her. “Wow. Yours?” She sucks her teeth. “Girl, that’s Robert Frost.”

People tend to disregard us old ladies—they think we’re only good for sewing robes and making hot chocolate, that we’re crazy since we can no longer bear children. But we’re smarter than everyone because we don’t have distractions anymore. No kids. No husbands for many of us. We always knew the evil that men did, and we still do. Just now, no one believes us.”