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Six hundred years do not go by without someone doing something nefarious.
Forest deep, silent bells There’s a secret no one tells Valley quiet, water still Lynburns watching on the hill Apples red, corn gold Almost everyone grows old
Kami’d always retold her fairy tales to make the fair maidens braver and more self-sufficient, but she had never had any real objection to the handsome prince.
“He’d be excellent decoration for our headquarters,” Kami said. “You have to admit, he’s very good-looking, and I need a photographer, so can I keep him, please, oh, please?
The law will not be on your side, but literary precedent will.”
“The photocopy machine overheated and broke down. I think I can still hear the sound of it sobbing and wanting to talk about its childhood.
“My current verdict would be: Crazy eyes. Nice ass.” “I think I want that on my tombstone,
“Alternate plan,” Jared said. “Do you have a very intelligent collie who might communicate through a system of barks to your parents that little Kami is in the well?
The whole world was so real it hurt.
Jared threw open the door, strode into the room, and announced, “We should date.” Kami bit her pencil in two. Angela rose from her chair like the wrath of God in a red silk blouse and demanded, “Who the hell are you?
“I had to work myself up to it,” Jared said. “I may have lost my head.” “I was acting on an impulse!” Kami said. “I still feel it was a sensible impulse.” “So what you’re saying is, we’re both crazy,” said Jared. “Well, this is going to be fun.”
“If you’re calling her a floozy, I’m by way of being a bit of a floozy myself.” “Oh, Jared,” said Kami, who was well aware of his romantic experience, or total lack thereof. “You are not.” “Well, I have floozy ambitions.
“It’s too weird. I’m going to call you Carl.” Jared scowled. “I don’t want you to call me Carl.” “That’s interesting, Carl,
You could take over the world from a headquarters like this.
“Well. Yes. Someone’s trying to kill me. But you don’t have to make such a big deal out of it.
“If I beat my head against this desk, maybe things will make sense,” Angela murmured. “Or if I beat someone else’s head against this desk …” She eyed Jared speculatively.
You brought it for someone else, someone who doesn’t know that you have crashed that bike fifty-eight times!” “Technically speaking, only fifty-one of those times were my fault.” “Technically speaking, you drive like a rabid chicken who has hijacked a tractor.”
Above the door was carved G, and then a scar in the stone, followed by the word House.
“Mum,” Kami said, “have you met me? You tell me to stay away from someone, and you thought I’d say ‘Oh yes, Mother, of course, no further questions’ and sit about in the garden making daisy chains?” “I’d like to hear ‘Oh yes, Mother, of course, no further questions,’ ” Mum said, sighing. “Just once.
Kami sighed. “You are the worst team of operatives any master criminal has ever had.
“Kami, ring for a forklift and tell them it’s the usual problem: we’ve got a Montgomery asleep on the floor.” Kami peeked around the door, vaguely surprised Angela had made it there so fast. Instead, she found Rusty stretched out on the hearthrug with his arms behind his head. “You disgraceful object,” said Kami. “What are you doing here?” “I’m buying a shotgun,” Dad announced. “I live in the country. A shotgun is a reasonable thing to own.
“Why are you putting on lip gloss, my daughter?” Dad asked. “Trip to the library? Trip to the nunnery? I hear the nunneries are nice this time of year.
“Uh,” said Ash from the door, “are you—all right?” “Fine!” Kami said. She typed out: “With the advent of sperm banks, women realized the sheer uselessness of men, and by the year 2100 they were largely extinct” with extreme force. “Absolutely fine, never better! Why do you ask?” “Er, because I heard you and Jared had a screaming fight. Also, you are typing like a maddened weasel taped to a keyboard.
