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On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don’t worry, the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry, because you’re the one who shot him.
and it’s wearing that unique expression of “you’re the man who killed me last winter” resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday life.
Oh Ernest Cunningham I can sense your origins
It would have been a good occasion to smoke a pipe had I owned one and had I been forty years older.
“I’m here to tell ya, immigration, it’s like rats on a ship. America is the ship and allllll these rats are comin’ on board, y’all. And you know what happens when a ship gets too many rats on board? It sinks. That’s what.”
The way this book is over a decade old and conservatives sound exactly the same
“I told her we would look into it tonight,” John said, heading me off before I accidentally introduced some rational thought into this thing.
They were steak-shaped dog treats, complete with little brown grill lines. I realized at that moment that no dog would know what those grill lines were and that they were purely for my benefit.
I reached down to pet her and she licked my hand the way dogs do. I wondered why in the world they felt the need to do that. I’ve often thought about trying it the next time somebody got their fingers close to my mouth, like at the dentist.
“You have tormented me six times. Now prepare to meat your doom!” I have no way of knowing that it actually said “meat” instead of “meet” but I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.
My name is David, by the way. Um, hi. I once saw a man’s kidney grow tentacles, tear itself out of a ragged hole in his back and go slapping across my kitchen floor.
Nice to meet you?
More side effects. I was already light-headed, my body trembling from shoes to shoulders in random spells, like I swallowed a vibrator. It’s always like this when I’m on the sauce. I dosed six hours ago.
I feel like *I* am hallucinating
“She was a strung-out, crank-addicted cannibal, dabbled in vampirism and shamanism.
Everything out of your mouth is absurd
It was always 3:00 A.M. for John.
The worst part would have been that as I was bleeding and feeling teeth breaking off in my mouth, I would’ve spent every second of the pummeling knowing I deserved it.
I had been picking through it for the last half hour, leaving the chicken. That bird, I knew, had lived a very sad life and I couldn’t bring myself to eat it.
“But—I’ll be a fugitive,” I whispered, turning away from the cop.
Dave Buddy do you think they’re stupid
I mean a little sure but come on
Maybe a retarded reason,
it's 2009 it's 2009 it's 2009 it's 2009 it's 2009
I realized I was holding my breath. I realized I was not holding a weapon.
The soy sauce insect crawled down my esophagus. I felt its little tingly legs all the way down to my gut.
Yuck
I was disappointed to find Hell had a cheap tiled ceiling, some browned with water damage.
Most people don’t realize it until they’re laying facedown on the pavement somewhere, gasping for their last breath. Only then do they realize that life is a flickering candle we all carry around. A gust of wind, a meaningless accident, a microsecond of carelessness, and it’s out. Forever.
I couldn’t see it, there was no seeing here. There was just the awareness of it. I was in the presence of something, an intelligence.
Okay mae from night in the woods
I saw a rail-thin Mexican kid standing by a Dumpster wearing a St. Louis Rams jacket. The kid was wearing the jacket, not the Dumpster.
Yes thank you Dave
I would like to reiterate: what the fuck.
That honestly summarizes this entire freaking book for me
A teenager stood there. Right in the middle of my living room, a space that had been proudly teenager-free for years.
Five if you counted Jennifer’s boobs separately, as I suddenly had the impulse to. Goddamned testosterone.
You never can get comfortable with a male protagonist
It’s not even explicit misogyny (although) but it’s just the fact that you have to be consciously aware of the fact that a male author wrote this without even considering women would read it. As if we’re unable to read? Idk.
Guys like him, the ones who grip the Bible so tight they leave fingernail grooves, they’re the ones who are the most scared of their dark side. Always going too far the other way, fighting for the Lord, often just because it gives them an excuse to fight.
Again I was hit with the sense that he comprehended a danger far larger than the rest of us did.
We stood there for a moment, looked at each other with a kind of deflated shame and defeat, then did what he said.
This book is a lot of buildup with not a lot of payout
Welcome aboard the David Wong Disappointment Train, fuckers.
You’ll scrape the world clean of every green and living thing until starvation goes one-eight-seven on every one of your sorry asses, your desperation to put off death leadin’ to the ultimate death of everybody and everything.
I wondered if they noticed Morgan didn’t exactly read Justin his rights before blowing a hole in him. I mean, I did the same thing but that’s why society doesn’t let me carry a badge.
I loathed that look. It said, “You are what you are, Dave, and that’s that.”
The five of us and the dog piled in and we drove into the night.
Am I stupid?
John, Jim, Dave, Jennifer, plus Molly. That’s 5 total. Who is the fifth person.
Jennifer patched her thigh with a roll of Ace bandages and a tampon.
Jennifer continues to be the coolest person here
They were thinking “retards,” sure, but not “gun.”
I hate the 2000s
I clenched my eyes shut, covered my head with my hands, begged God to forgive me for accidentally bringing an end to all of creation.
He was—how can I put this delicately?
It hasn’t bothered you before
It was the one with the word “Africa” in the chorus, and this version had been twisted into some kind of a racist diatribe against blacks.
of course it was - why would we tell an actual joke
Now here’s Spartans fullback Derrick Simpson, pumping those nigger thighs down the field like pistons on a machine designed for cotton picking. Ooh, nice tackle attempt there, Freddy Mason!
Like am I meant to laugh? Or is this just edgy Boy Humor that’s not actually funny and by critiquing it I’m leading them to seek out the alt right pipeline? (Aka racism)
Roach man turned his roach head toward us just in time to take a windblown spray of urine to the face.
This book is a collection of dick jokes
“I know people around here,” John said, “who would like the song better that way.”
Yeah like I get it the demons are edgy but they have the same sense of humor as the good guys so like what am I meant to think
“David, you alone fully understand what is at stake here.”
As if John isn’t the one fully handling everything
You’re the kind of man a man wants when a man wants a man.”
This book would be better if John and Dave were gay
John studied me for a moment, then said, “Well, Dave, I think one of the neighbors comes by to put out food and water in a bowl for her. Let her out, you know.”
Dave is the idiot that Dave thinks John is
I WOULD LIKE to pause for a moment, to talk about my penis.
I would like to not do that I mean come up dude I’m so sick of you
It’s biology. It’s hormones. As time passes I can recall fewer and fewer of our conversations and I couldn’t give you the details of our five most-fun dates (though I have a fairly graphic vision of how each of them ended).
You’re 23 I mean Jesus do you respect women at all
though the loving part of me and the penis part of me rarely speak to each other.
Gross
a pair of boobs next to him attached to a girl.
I need to get OUT
