John Dies at the End (John Dies at the End, #1)

by David Wong

Shit that would get an adult put in a straightjacket is just brushed off. ‘Boys will be boys.’”

This whole BOOK is boys will be boys

and then had sex with yet another girl who I secretly had a crush on but never got the courage to talk to.

You’re 23 grow up

He was holding a little silver gun. A woman’s gun.

Girl

She’s born and she gets shit on for twenty years and then she dies for no reason and I’m still alive and I should have been killed a long time ago. Hell, I’ve considered killing me several times, as a favor to the world.”

You definitely deserved it more than her!

“They’re stocking the world with their own people, with replacements.

Dude it’s That’s Not My Neighbor

I brought up the foot and rubbed at the pi symbol on my toe, as if I could make it come off. I knew, of course, that it never, ever would.

I feel like this is a very weak ending because like. Okay???

“AND, WELL, THAT’S my story,” I said. “I’m sorry that it’s so, you know. Retarded.” There is no word in the English language for the feeling someone gets when they suddenly realize they’re standing next to an unholy monster impersonating a human.

And yet you picked the worst one to try with

“So after he knew about, you know. After he knew the truth, you’re saying he stuck around?” I shrugged. “Well—” “Because you guys killed a cop when you found out he was one of these things. Why would it be different?”

That’s been my question

sitting on the floor and wrapped in blankets like Bugs Bunny Indians.

Oh but you’re evil now so I guess this is fine

It took a day to hear back from her lesbians.

Yes that’s what it is this is the EXACT brand of humor as Shane Dawson

You and me can share a room, John can sleep with the lesb—”

JESUS

A PlayStation and an Xbox and whatever else they sell.” Arnie nodded. “Those names mean nothin’ to me.

Huh?

He said, “I served next to some coldhearted bastards in the war, guys who had that stare, you know, kids from the streets, kids who got beat before bed every night growin’ up. And even those guys, those hard characters, they would freeze up the first time they had to pull a trigger with a living thing at the other end.”

What do we hate video games now

But I start seeing the shadows move and I get up one day and suddenly every kid is glued to a box that’s training him.

Wait Omg we totally DO hate video games that’s so out of character

That was John’s domain. His three-inch height advantage gave him a series of rebounds and easy layups, quickly giving him a 548-point lead. Sweat stung my eyes as I drove under the hoop once more, trying a little running hook under the baseline.

Hey bud that’s so fun what are we doing here when does this book end

I swear, every time these people visit, they just wind up writing their poignant Red State safari adventure, talking to the gruff-but-noble salt-of-the earth seniors drinking in the corner bar, mining profound symbolism from the license plates nailed to the walls.

Yeah but like. That is exactly what undisclosed is. According to YOU.

Amy says it’s pretty good and that my annoyance with the girl’s voice is due to sexism,

Amy is correct

JOHN First of all, a lot of you have been asking when the band’s new album is dropping.

No John I’m wondering how you’re the first of the fucking survivor accounts in a book called John Dies At The End

Dave, Why didn’t John actually die at the end? By that point, I was definitely wishing he would. —Cathleen, via written letter Eat a shit, Cathleen. Eat exactly one shit.

SO WHY WAS IT THE GODDAMN TITLE

I still can’t read this book. The sequels, either. I helped put them together (I got saddled with assembling this new material, too, because the boys simply never got around to it and the publisher started getting mad), but once they’re done, they’re out of my mind.

Girl you need to break up with him like Yesterday

I don’t want to be dismissive of that feedback (unlike David, who insists that all claims of offendedness are really just a power play), so I would only ask the concerned reader to at least acknowledge that what language is considered offensive varies by time and place.

Hey Buddy you can say fuck to your hearts content but it’s really really funny to, in 2019, have your one woman character get on here and defend the use of slurs the same way that a fucking YouTuber opening their notes app would

If it seems like I’m belaboring the point, it’s because I feel like the axis of good and evil lies right here, in our ability to get beyond the surface things that we find annoying, offensive or disgusting and to see through to the heart of the person in front of us (even if they’re, uh, not strictly a person).

Guys it’s not ABOUT my liberal use of slurs!! It’s about the Story!!!! And then the story is kind of shit

JASON PARGIN

Dude this is the first time I’m hearing your name Skipped the leech bullshit, as is my god given right, and went straight to “who the fuck are you”

Much of my site consisted of essays that were presented as real and/or autobiographical at the top, which then slowly went off the rails until the reader realized with dawning horror that I had wasted several minutes of their time on shameless nonsense.

Yeah

If you think this book reads like a stream-of-consciousness fever dream, just know that every sentence was actually rewritten at least five times by a nerd who agonized over minor word choices for literally hundreds of hours on end, downing so much caffeine that I think it may have permanently damaged both my stomach and nervous system.

so this effect was. Intentional?

I’m not looking for a pat on the back here—there are single mothers out there working more hours at more stressful jobs, for less money and only a fraction of the fan mail.

You can’t randomly support women at the end of your stupid book and expect me to believe that you respect women now

until, by blind chance, cult horror legend Don Coscarelli happened to stumble across a copy and called asking for the film rights.

I knew it read like a movie

So for your inspirational hard-work metaphor you chose structures that were built using forced labor? Yeah, that’s a good example of why you should just let me do the talking from now on.

You can’t just acknowledge racism in the last sentence of your book and expect me to believe you respect minorities