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Whitehouse,
Whitehouse...
If he had been with me, everything would have been different.
Our mothers had been pregnant together that spring and summer long ago.
ok beck and laurel 😍
I did not understand then that a boy without a real father would crave an origin and a meaning.
I wanted to learn about the Salem witch trials for history. I read books under my desk during lessons and refused to eat the bottom left corner of my sandwiches. I believed platypuses to be a government conspiracy. I could not turn a cartwheel or kick, hit, or serve any sort of ball. In third grade, I announced that I was a feminist. During Job Week in fifth grade, I told the class and teacher that my career goal was to move to New York, wear black turtlenecks, and sit in coffee shops all day, thinking deep thoughts and making up stories in my head.
is this her being quirky 😭
“At least my father’s around for Christmas,”
why would she say that omg
My tiara continues its reign as a permanent fixture on my head. Before long, no one asks me about it anymore.
are u not embarrassed 😭
Sometimes I am disappointed with love. I thought that when you were in love, it would always be right there, staring you in the face, reminding you every moment that you love this person. It seems that it isn’t always like that. Sometimes I know that I love Jamie, but I don’t feel it, and I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else.
girlie that means u don't love him
“Autumn, I don’t want to talk about them having sex, okay?”
ykw valid
“We just always thought that’s what was going to happen.”
ok susanna fisher
I imagine Finny and I sneaking out of our houses to fool around down at the creek. I imagine leaving my blinds open for him when I change clothes. I imagine his hand moving up my thigh as we watch a movie with a blanket thrown over our laps.
GIRL AND YOU'RE WITH JAMIE??? LEAVE HIS ASS
“I can’t believe that we’re not freshmen anymore. Can you?”
pls 😭😭
I’m wearing a new tiara, purchased along with the rest of my back-to-school items.
girl bye
I love him in a way I cannot define, as if my love were an organ within my body that I could not live without yet could not pick out of an anatomy book.
“Will you still want to talk to me when you’re sober?” There is another silence after that. I look into his face. I cannot read it. I stare at him and watch him take a deep breath.
I think about the things I would say to Finny if I were drunk, or at least brave enough to say them. First I would tell him that his jacket smells good. Then I would tell him that I liked sitting here talking to him, that I don’t want to go inside and end the conversation.
girl if you don't—
I am a virgin, and I cannot drive.
WHAT'S THE CORRELATION???
My Finny. He isn’t your Finny.
:(
“Fuck you, Sylvie,” I say.
yeah fr
a CD I burned of songs that make me think of him, the action figure of his favorite anime character’s wife, some candy, a little rubber turtle, a love letter I spent forever on.
awww :(
I wonder if I should wear a different tiara for dinner.
how about no tiara
“Or,” she asks, “are you more than just friends by now?” and I realize she has misinterpreted his blush. Finny turns red.
REAL ASF
“There’s real life and then there are books, Autumn,” Jamie says. “In real life, it would just be sad and stupid.”
he doesn't get it fr 😔
“Try to marry your first love. For the rest of your life, no one will ever treat you as well.”
oh.
We’ll walk back to my house then, and in my room we will stretch out on my bed, our bare legs brushing, and read the magazines we bought and eat licorice.
girlhood
“Autumn,” my mother says, “why do you always say things like that?” Her voice is a sigh.
deadass
I’m in love with Finny.
DUH
“Honey,” she whispers, “what did you expect? And what do you think they would say about the girl with the tiara and ripped knee socks?”
gagged ngl
“Finny,” I say to the lonely dark. “Finny. My Finny.” My breath shudders and my eyelids close against the pain of loving him. Finny. My Finny.
she's in actual pain omg i can't </3
On August 8, nothing happens. Lightning does not strike the Earth. No old woman shows up at the door with a warning. Finny doesn’t see a black dog staring at him as he gets out of his red car. No one says anything prophetic or ironic. I do not awake in darkness to hear the clock strike thirteen.
oh.
“But it was just the once, and next time we’ll get some condoms, or, I don’t know, something.”
bruh
“I’m pregnant,”
i wonder why fr
Finny, my Finny, kissed me. It was horrible. It was strange and wonderful. It felt like I was watching a meteor shower and did not know if it meant the stars were falling and the sky was breaking apart.
"my finny" a shot to the head would be less painful
I am dressed as myself in a blue T-shirt, a black skirt, neon tights, and a silver tiara.
breh
“Autumn, I can’t even think about that right now. I’m so stressed out about finals and—and everything else. Let’s just not talk about it right now.”
cap asf
“Maybe. But come on, it wasn’t that bad was it?” I look up at him. “Nah, I guess not,” I say. He smiles, and out of the corner of my eyes, I see The Mothers’ cameras flash. That was the picture they framed.
stop omg
“I can’t do this anymore.”
not surprised
“You need me a lot, and it’s more than I can handle. You’re depressed all the time—”
HELP OMG???
“You still love me,” I say. “You just can’t feel it right now. Sometimes that happens to me, and I just wait and it always comes back. I don’t break up with you. I just give it time.”
girl no...
“Sasha and I have discovered that we have feelings for each other.”
OMFG I FUCKING KNEW IT
“A couple of days before prom. After she went with me to order your corsage. It was an accident. We felt awful about it and we swore that it wouldn’t happen again.
they're both skanks omfg poor autumn :(
“Do you want to know something funny?” I say, “I always thought you loved me more than I loved you. I always thought I would be the one to end it if it ever happened.”
real
“Jamie,” I say, “since you’re the one breaking up with me, I think I should get to have the last word. And I want you to know that I will never, ever be your friend again.”
go girl
“He’s coming to see you. Do you have a strapless bra clean?” She opens the top drawer of my dresser. “I haven’t even showered! And I don’t want to see Finny!” I say. Mom ignores me and opens another drawer. “Jeans or a skirt? You haven’t shaved your legs, have you? Here.” She tries to hand a pair of jeans to me, but I swat them away. “He’ll be here in ten minutes, so you better hurry.” She turns away from me and walks out.
HELP
Finny stands up. “Come get some ice cream with me,” he says. I sigh and pull my knees up to my chest again.
my boy finny :(
“I thought if I broke up with him, no one else would ever love me like that.” “Well, that part is stupid,” Finny says.
AWW
“I’m over tiaras, I think,” I say.
FINALLY
