Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

by Brené Brown

Taking pleasure in someone else’s failings, even if that person is someone we really dislike, can violate our values and lead to feelings of guilt and shame. But, make no mistake, it’s seductive, especially when we’re sucked into groupthink.

This from my experience is a way of thinking that lives (only occurs) in group think

but nothing that celebrates the humiliation or pain of another person builds lasting connection.

It’s “an emotion typically born out of inferiority rather than superiority.”

it’s the enjoyment of another’s success.

This is an emotional response i want to cultivate. Makes me think of the time i called my grandpa to tell him i got my PE and his overwealmming excitement he had for me

When someone shares something great that’s happened to them, we can show interest and ask questions. When someone demonstrates joy when we share ours, we can express gratitude: “Thank you for celebrating this with me. It means so much that you’re happy for me.”

boring tasks or mundane activities can allow our minds to wander, daydream, and create. The lack of stimulation that defines “being bored” gives our imagination room to play and grow.

If I could wait out the “I’m soooo bored” episodes, things would eventually turn quiet and I’d find them doing something really important, like daydreaming or creating.

“Boredom is your imagination calling to you.”

Are you setting goals and expectations that are completely outside of your control?

It’s going to be a great holiday! I’ve got everything planned to the minute. Is this a setup for success? What do you need from this gathering and why? Have you talked about your needs, or are you assuming everyone is on board? Have you shared your plans and talked about why they’re important to you? Have you asked the other people what they want and need?

This was the one flaw to my trip to japan withbmy group of friends. When planning a trip do this.

These are recipes for disappointment and hurt.

Do not predicate an action based on another persons response.

“If you’re not asking for what’s important to you, maybe it’s because you don’t think you are worth it.”

reality-check expectations

Celebrating their successes is easy, but when disappointment happens, it’s an incredible opportunity for meaningful connection.

Celebrate the successes but also celebrate the person seeking to improve weither or not they achieved what they were hoping.

“You had such courage to apply for that promotion and even more courage to be honest about how much you wanted it. I’m so proud to be your daughter/son/mentor/friend/parent.”

important to keep the lines of communication open,

When expectation are not met we are often times tempted to shut down lines of communication

There are too many people in the world today who decide to live disappointed rather than risk feeling disappointment.

regret is one of our most powerful emotional reminders that reflection, change, and growth are necessary.

The idea of “no regrets” doesn’t mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. To live without regret is to believe we have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with our lives.

what we regret most are our failures of courage, whether it’s the courage to be kinder, to show up, to say how we feel, to set boundaries, to be good to ourselves, to say yes to something scary.

What do i regret? What can i learn from those regrets?

What’s important about this perspective is that it means we have to have some level of knowledge or awareness before we can become curious. We aren’t curious about something we are unaware of or know nothing about.

Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty. We have to ask questions, admit to not knowing, risk being told that we shouldn’t be asking, and, sometimes, make discoveries that lead to discomfort.

We define nostalgia as a yearning for the way things used to be in our often idealized and self-protective version of the past.

“human beings engage in all kinds of cognitive gymnastics aimed at justifying their own behavior.”

Especially when it comes to our faith. People really do believe what they want to believe in. The flaw is when we start to declare it as universal and above the beliefs of others.

Cognitive dissonance is a state of tension that occurs when a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent with each other,

When our beliefs contradict our nature this also puts us into cognitive dissonance. We all have this inert desire to be true to ourselves. We also see our beliefs as a reflection of who we are as a person. So in the concept of religion where many of our beliefs have already been prebaked, we find our selves in cognitive dissonance where an aspect of the pie comes in conflict with a part of our nature. Example: I don’t believe polygamy to be a concept that is fair to woman or fosters meaningful and loving relationships. Yet polygamy has minor doctrinal influences on current Mormon teachings (a man in the temple can be sealed to multiple wife’s). So I find myself a believer in many aspects of my Mormon faith ( such as a loving god & importance of Christlike love) but not a believer in some (such as polygamy). This puts me in cognitive dissonance where I find a need to justify this difference in values. We often treat religion like a smoothie, to continue the food metaphor, where all must be consumed if it is followed. I do however believe that religion is more like a pie (pizza) where the parts you don’t like can be removed before consumption so as to enjoy the rest of what is there. Another way to look at it, and yes I will continue the food metaphors, is that of my favorite pizza place moose’s tooth. Do I think moose’s tooth is the best pizza place? Yes I do. Do I think everything on the menus at moose’s tooth is the best food, no I do not. Maybe religion can be looked at the same way. And who knows, maybe overtime I will change and not see the “Mac and Cheese Pizza” as the abomination I currently believe it to be.

Dissonance produces mental discomfort that ranges from minor pangs to deep anguish; people don’t rest easy until they find a way to reduce it.

“Intelligence is traditionally viewed as the ability to think and learn. Yet in a turbulent world, there’s another set of cognitive skills that might matter more: the ability to rethink and unlearn.”

Vulnerability is the first thing we look for in other people, and the last thing we want to show them about ourselves.

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.”

Sarcasm and irony are reserved for playfulness only.

I think that’s the biggest watch-out with irony and sarcasm: Are you dressing something up in humor that actually requires clarity and honesty?

But anguish, the combination of these experiences, not only takes away our ability to breathe, feel, and think—it comes for our bones. Anguish often causes us to physically crumple in on ourselves, literally bringing us to our knees or forcing us all the way to the ground.

Refference my journal entry "my creature" discusing a time when my mom came into my life to rescue me from my anguish

“Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.”

define despair as “the belief that tomorrow will be just like today.”

"i feel like i am just floating around in life waiting for something real to happen", this can turn into despair if paired with sadness

Sometimes, when we’re struggling, we fall into the trap of believing that whatever we’re up against has stained or changed every single thing in our life. Nothing good is left.

The lie of despair and hopelessness is that your whole life is defined by an issue that is happening in only one corner of your world. Think of how big and beautiful you are. Your life is painted in many colors, and just because one color didnt turn out like you were hoping does not mean the whole picture is ruined.

one function of sadness is to cause the person to evaluate their life and consider making changes in their circumstances following a negative event, as well as to recruit help and support from others.

Sadeness results in the craving to be understood and arises a neeed to be connected.

Sadness moves the individual “us” toward the collective “us.”

“Hence sadness primarily functions as a contributor to and intensifier of the emotional state of being moved.”

These included the loss of normality, the loss of what could be, and the loss of what we thought we knew or understood about something or someone.

it’s an involuntary yearning for wholeness, for understanding, for meaning, for the opportunity to regain or even simply touch what we’ve lost.

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.

Can someone that sees themselves as being above us socially be able to hve compassion towards us? compassion is a practice in ONEness.

Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.

Sympathy is removed: When someone says “I feel sorry for you” or “That must be terrible,” they are standing at a safe distance. Rather than conveying the powerful “me too” of empathy, it communicates “not me,” then adds, “But I do feel sorry for you.”

I had a friend tell me he had a lot of sympathy for LGBTQ people, but it was impossible to have empathy because he didnt know what that struggle was like. I dont think you need to be gay however to have empathy for someone who struggles with their sexuality. It is missing the point. Empathy comes from reconizing shared emotions, not shared experiences. People dont wnt you to feel sorry for them (sympathy), they dont want to define their experience from our past experiences, they want us to meet them where they are at EMOTIONALLY.

The minute I try to put myself in your place rather than try to understand the situation from your perspective, our empathic connection unravels.

In these instances, rather than listen and be with people in their emotion, we start fixing.

You can not be with someone in there emotions when you enter fixer mode

when I’m prioritizing being liked over being free,

Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.

“Science is not the truth. Science is finding the truth. When science changes its opinion, it didn’t lie to you. It learned more.”

Religion is the truth. Religion is not finding the truth. When religion changes its opinion it lied to you. im not sure if this is a fair statement? I do believe this is how people feel though when they discover flaws in religion.

We’re also going to talk about the important role self-compassion plays in moving through shame and how perfectionism is a function of shame.

I have never thought about how perfectionism is a function of shame. It is us trying to cover up a belief that we are not enough as we are.