Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

by Brené Brown

There is nothing sweet about packing up. It’s hard physical work and an emotional minefield. Do I keep it? Do I trash it when no one is looking? Should I feel bad? Am I bad? Maybe I should box it all up and let my kids deal with it when it’s their turn?

Packing up represents putting our past behind us. It represents our attachment to what was and not what is. Potential never harnessed, use for someday unknown. Reminds me of my friends who said if they havent used it for two years they get rid of it. Its interesting how possesions can weigh us down to a version of ourfselves that doesnt exist.

when no one was looking, put the rest in the garbage. Way down deep where no one could see.

A need to hide from the fear of what others might think of you.

I spent a couple of days with my 1987 self and learned some things that I had either never known or never acknowledged, or things I possibly once knew and pushed way down.

The power of unpacking the past with new eyes. You are doomed to be the same person unless you can dissolve the past. The past has a habbit of effecting the way we precieve what is. By unpacking the past we are able to lay to rest parts of us that we couldnt let go. Forgive parts of our selves that we have held on to for far to long.

For children, it’s easy for everything to become a source of shame when nothing is normalized. You assume that if no one is talking about it, it must be just you.

Shame of wht is not discussed. Sex & relationships where not discussed a lot growing up so it makes sense that both would be a great trigger of shame for me. Open communication withbmy children, prioritizing their needs over my comfert.

twenty minutes is all the future you have.

Just goes to show you the natural powers children have to be in the present momemt. Then over time they get innfected by the world and start to worry about the future. Taking them out of th beauty of the present moment.

How does causing pain help someone avoid pain? Do we at times take pain instead of dishing it out?

We become terrified of feeling pain, so we engage in behaviors that become a magnet for more pain. We run from anger and grief straight into the arms of fear, perfectionism, and the desperate need for control.

We fear making mistakes so we become perfectionist causing us to dwell even longer and hurt more from the mistakes we make. We find pain in an aspect of our life so we either avoid or try to control it instead of allowing what is to be. Dating is scary for me because their is so much happening that i cant control. So in an atempt to keep control i avoid it. But this behvior just causes even more pain once i return back to the system set in place to make reltionships. control prevents us from accepting thungs as they are.

numbing was my kryptonite.

When we stop numbing and start feeling and learning again, we have to reevaluate everything, especially how to choose loving ourselves over making other people comfortable.

Loving ourselves must come before our desire to make other people comfertable. We must have the courage to be disliked in order to keep people from living our lives for us. we fear displeasing people so we live much of our life out of fear of displeasing those around us. I see this al the time in my church. People so often proclaim the gospel isnt meant to be enjoyed. That fun and happiness are not the same thing. If what you are doing is not at some level changing you in the way you wish to be changed or resulting in an increase of happiness and joy, you are living an aspect of your life accordining to the oppinion of others. If your religious beliefs arent bringing joy, change them and dont continue to live accordining to how other people (your church community & parents) would have you live.

I learned that taking the edge off is not rewarding, but putting the edge back on is one of the most worthwhile things we can do.

We need to allow ourselves to feel pain and hurt (the edge), it reminds us of our temporaral existance and allows us to change and live a meaningful life.

Those sharp edges feel vulnerable, but they are also the markers that let us know where we end and others begin.

I finally realized that trying to outrun and outsmart vulnerability and pain is choosing a life defined by suffering and exhaustion.

I know running away from the pain and anxiety is way more risky than leaning in and locking eyes with it.

I also learned that when you hold someone accountable for hurtful behaviors and they feel shame, that’s not the same as shaming someone. I am responsible for holding you accountable in a respectful and productive way. I’m not responsible for your emotional reaction to that accountability. Sadly, I’ve also learned that sometimes, even when the pain takes your breath away, you have to let the people you love experience the consequences of their own behavior. That one really hurts.

people are responsible for their own emotions.

Without understanding how our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors work together, it’s almost impossible to find our way back to ourselves and each other. When we don’t understand how our emotions shape our thoughts and decisions, we become disembodied from our own experiences and disconnected from each other.

“The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.” What does it mean if the vastness of human emotion and experience can only be expressed as mad, sad, or happy? What about shame, disappointment, wonder, awe, disgust, embarrassment, despair, contentment, boredom, anxiety, stress, love, overwhelm, surprise, and all of the other emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human?

Language is our portal to meaning-making, connection, healing, learning, and self-awareness. Having access to the right words can open up entire universes. When we don’t have the language to talk about what we’re experiencing, our ability to make sense of what’s happening and share it with others is severely limited.

Language shows us that naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power, it gives us the power of understanding and meaning.

But those who are able to distinguish between a range of various emotions “do much, much better at managing the ups and downs of ordinary existence than those who see everything in black and white.”

emotions “signal rewards and dangers. They point us in the direction of our hurt. They can also tell us which situations to engage with and which to avoid. They can be beacons, not barriers, helping us identify what we most care about and motivating us to make positive changes.”

I want to open up that language portal so even more of us can step through it and find a universe of new choices and second chances—a universe where we can share the stories of our bravest and most heartbreaking moments with each other in a way that builds connection.

Allowing us to be more vulnerable

now has the language and skill to align the love we feel with the way we actually show up with each other.

I believe that with an adventurous heart and the right maps, we can travel anywhere and never fear losing ourselves. Even when we don’t know where we are.

in order to recognize, name, and make sense of our feelings and experiences, we have to: Understand how they show up in our bodies and why (biology) Get curious about how our families and communities shape our beliefs about the connection between our feelings, thoughts, and behavior (biography) Examine our go-to (behaviors), and Recognize the context of what we’re feeling or thinking. What brought this on? (backstory) These are the questions that help us make meaning of our lives.

In order to understand our emotions we need to become self aware.

But that shore, that solid ground, is within us. The anchor we are searching for is connection, and it is internal. To form meaningful connections with others, we must first connect with ourselves,

emotions are responding to my “thinking” assessment of how well I can handle something.

Overwhelmed means an extreme level of stress, an emotional and/or cognitive intensity to the point of feeling unable to function.

“completely overcome or overpowered by thought or feeling.”

Feeling stressed and feeling overwhelmed seem to be related to our perception of how we are coping with our current situation and our ability to handle the accompanying emotions:

mindful play, or no-agenda, non-doing time, is the cure for overwhelm,

we don’t process other emotional information accurately when we feel overwhelmed, and this can result in poor decision making.

Escalating loss of control, worst-case-scenario thinking and imagery, and total uncertainty.

A trait is considered to be something that is part of an individual’s personality and therefore a long-term characteristic of an individual that shows through their behavior, actions, and feelings. It is seen as being a characteristic, feature, or quality of an individual. For example, someone who says “I am a confident person” or “I am just an anxious person” is stating that these attributes are part of who they are. A state, on the other hand, is a temporary condition that they are experiencing for a short period of time. After the state has passed, they will return to another condition. For example, someone who says “I am feeling quite confident about this interview” or “I feel nervous about doing this” is describing states.

So, when we say that anxiety can be both a state and a trait, it means that some of us feel anxious mainly in response to certain situations, while some of us can be naturally more predisposed to anxiety than others.

An intolerance for uncertainty is an important contributing factor to all types of anxiety. Those of us who are generally uncomfortable with uncertainty are more likely to experience anxiety in specific situations as well as to have trait anxiety and anxiety disorders.

I have this with dating. The uncertainty causes me to worry and stress.

Our anxiety often leads to one of two coping mechanisms: worry or avoidance. Unfortunately, neither of these coping strategies is very effective.

Avoidance, the second coping strategy for anxiety, is not showing up and often spending a lot of energy zigzagging around and away from that thing that already feels like it’s consuming us. And avoidance isn’t benign. It can hurt us, hurt other people, and lead to increased and mounting anxiety. In her book The Dance of Fear, Dr. Harriet Lerner writes, “It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable, so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run, but it will never make you less afraid.”

Anxiety and excitement feel the same, but how we interpret and label them can determine how we experience them.

The experience isnt unalterable/inevitable, it is determined by how we label and precieve

For anxiety and dread, the threat is in the future. For fear, the threat is now—in the present. Fear is a negative, short-lasting, high-alert emotion in response to a perceived threat, and, like anxiety, it can be measured as a state or trait.

the fear of social rejection.

Like all of the experiences in this book, both our anxiety and our fear need to be understood and respected, perhaps even befriended. We need to pull up a chair and sit with them, understand why they’re showing up, and ask ourselves what there is to learn. Dismissing fear and anxiety as not useful to our quest for connection is as dangerous as choosing to live in constant fear and anxiety.

Talking about my feelings

There is no courage without vulnerability. Courage requires the willingness to lean into uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

it takes a lot of courage to show up and be all in when we can’t control the outcome. It also takes discipline and self-awareness to understand what to share and with whom. Vulnerability is not oversharing, it’s sharing with people who have earned the right to hear our stories and our experiences.

I believe i struggle a bit with oversharing. I share sometimes not for the individual i am with but to relieve myself of emotions and or thought that have been contained within me. Be all in when we cant control the outcome. Dating is a practice in vulnerability. To not hid parts of yourself out of fear of rejection and give up a bit of control.

Comparison is a creativity killer,

social comparisons are not associated with life satisfaction

Even if we do not choose whether or not to make a comparison, we can choose whether or not to let that comparison affect our mood or self-perceptions.”

Envy occurs when we want something that another person has. Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have.

Example of jealousy is when you fear loosing attention & affection. Emotions are neither good or bad. Fealing jealous and envious are part of the human experience. It is what we do with these emotions that define us as good or bad.

“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.”

“schadenfreude,” it simply means pleasure or joy derived from someone else’s suffering or misfortune.