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December 1, 2022 - January 5, 2023
Secure attachment is a quality of relationship. It’s knowing that when I need you, you’ll be available, responsive, and engaged.
in secure attachment, we feel accepted as we are.
We are delighted in for who we are, not for what we’ve done—or for who we could be.
Anxious attachment is a pattern of worriedly seeking closeness with God, fearing that the moment we relax, we will backslide into separation. We’re convinced it’s entirely up to us to maintain closeness with God, which means we can never actually rest with God.
Shutdown attachment is a pattern of trying to stuff down our negative emotions to get close to God. It is based on the presumption that emotions such as fear, sadness, pain, and doubt are incompatible with the life of faith. So
We keep connected by shutting down emotions that might threaten closeness.
Shame-filled attachment believes that the best way to get close to God is to shame and blame ourselves for falling below the standard of perfection.
We end up trying to get close by proving to God that we know how bad and unlovable we are.
not good enough to deserve love and belonging.
God created Sabbath as a time for people to rest, not as a day to work harder at giving him glory.
which isn’t true rest.
contemplative prayer is an ancient practice of being still to increase one’s awareness of God.
it is when we rest and cease our striving that we experience God’s presence more consistently.
connected relationship includes feelings, which are hard to get from a robot. So a paradox happens: you try to stay even-keeled to weather the storms of life and to keep others close. But those in your life often feel shut out by your stoicism.
If you have shutdown attachment, it’s not exactly that you’re hiding what’s going on inside from others, but rather that you yourself don’t know what you are feeling.
it’s not that you don’t have feelings—you’re just ignoring them.
Ignoring them doesn’t mean they go away; it means that they’re swirling around and you don’t know how to process or talk about them.
there is hope for your pain in healthy spirituality, but shutdown spirituality sidesteps the pain rather than allowing God to meet you in it.
and also walked with them in the cool of the evening. A shutdown spiritual style latches on to the tasks for God to the exclusion of communion with God.
we don’t ever share our emotions with God, true bonding never happens. Suppressing our emotions also cripples our ability to engage in true community with others. When we can’t share our emotions, or respond to the emotions of others, we never experience the belonging we were built for.
Through sharing our emotions, we connect with one another, creating a sense of closeness.
you first need to know, on a gut level, that God can handle them. You need to know that your sadness or worry will be seen not as a lack of faith that drives God away but as a cry for comfort that will bring nearness.
the middle of your fear and chaos, God is with you and wants to hear your emotions—even the bad ones.
a shame-filled attachment style feels like God accepts us in spite of who we are, a notion that continually undermines feeling secure with God.
Rather than a God who loves us in spite of who we are, we need a God who delights in who we are, in spite of what we’ve done. Underneath all the shame, we want to know we are liked just as we are. Because we want to be accepted, we try to hate the parts of ourselves that would make us unacceptable.
being liked creates emotional safety where we can relax rather than perform.
“connect, then redirect.”5 In a moment of bad behavior, healthy parents affirm the relationship, and then they address the behavior.
When we have a secure relationship to stand on, we usually make better choices. Also,
God continually approaches us, even at our worst moments.
Approval is not the same as connection. Some of us have been given a picture of a God whose acceptance of us is contingent on our rigidly following a long list of rules.
God gave the law so that the chosen nation would know how to relate to each other in healthy ways that upheld the imago Dei in each person.
Acceptance into God’s community was not dependent on following the law; the law was given because of being accepted into community. Sort of like, “We’re a family, so let’s talk about how we’re going to live together.”
God never gives up on his people, even as they fail time and time again to listen to his wisdom that will bring peace, justice, and healing to their community in a way that accurately represents the heart of God.
God’s love is unconditional, and the law is a gift of wisdom toward life and health. When we believe it to be a list of rules that gets us close to God, we miss the experience of God’s grace and unconditional love.
as your brain space is no longer filled with desperation to get close to God, you can be more open to thinking of others, listening to the suffering of the world, being present with those you love and present with yourself. You can also be more present with God, open
We “feel felt” when we know that those we love see and accept our emotions.
Feeling felt helps us experience the closeness we long for while also taming our overwhelming emotions.
God who is waiting to help you order your internal chaos through simply being with you, as a parent does with their upset child.
Sharing what we feel, not what we wish we felt, is the path to security with God. We move from shutdown to engagement when we share with God what’s truly going on inside.
healthy parents make room for anger and affirm it—even when it’s against themselves.
good parents do: they make room for the negative emotions.
the psalmist simultaneously holds both his emotions and his faith, one in each hand. He
We don’t need to stuff down our feelings; we need to connect with someone who cares about us.
without lament, we lose the ability to enter into real connection with God. Without
if to stay in God’s favor we are always praising and never lamenting, we can’t have intimacy with the Divine. Only when we share what is truly within us can we engage in authentic relationship with God.
When you are sad, scared, or angry, your emotions aren’t signs of a lack of faith, but rather evidence that you are exactly where you need to be—at home with a God who is waiting to hear your emotions and give you the reassurance you need.
Lament is a prayer to God that includes both complaint and praise.
something you wish were different in your
what you feel when you think about this issue;
time in your own life or someone else’s where God intervened.
