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intentions or your respect, and clarify what you do and don’t intend for them to hear.
“If you could see my face right now as I write this, you’d probably see the wrinkles in my worried forehead as I hope that my message isn’t coming across as harsh or critical.”
confidence, humility, and skill.
People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear
They are confident that their opinions deserve to be placed in the pool of meaning. They are also confident that they can speak openly without brutalizing others or causing undue offense.
Humility. Confidence does not equate to arrogance ...
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Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input. They realize that the...
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They are curious about information and perspectives others have. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final word. They may currently believe something but realize that with new information they may change their minds. This means they’re willin...
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Finally, people who willingly share delicate information ar...
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They speak the unspeakable, and more often than you’d suspect, others are grateful for their honesty.
Skill comes from practice and repetition. Yes, reading this book and learning the skills of dialogue is an important first step. But reading alone won’t make you better at dialogue.
Start with Heart. Think about what you really want and how dialogue can help you get it. And master your story—realize that you may be jumping to a hasty Victim, Villain, or Helpless Story. The best way to find out the true story is not to act out the worst story you can generate. That will lead to self-destructive silence and violence games. Think about other possible explanations long enough to temper your emotions so you can get to dialogue. Besides, if it turns out you’re right about your initial impression, there will be plenty of time for confrontations later on.
Speaking in absolute and overstated terms does not increase your influence; it decreases it. The converse is also true—the more tentatively you speak, the more open people become to your opinions.
“Does anyone see it differently?” “What am I missing here?” “I’d really like to hear the other side of this story.”
“I know there are at least two sides to this story. Could we hear differing views now? What problems could this decision cause us?”
“Maybe I’m wrong here. What if the opposite is true? What if the reason sales have dropped is because our products truly are outdated. I know I’ve made the opposite case, but I really want to hear all the reasons my position could be dangerously wrong.”
Encourage others until your motive becomes obvious. At times—particularly if you’re in a position of authority—even being appropriately tentative doesn’t prevent others from suspecting that you want them to simply agree with you or that you’re inviting them into a trap.
“Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?”
Thoughts are all electricity. Emotions add chemistry. Once the chemicals that fuel emotions are released, they hang around in the bloodstream for a time—in some cases, long after thoughts have changed. So be patient while the chemistry catches up with the electricity. Allow people time to explore their path and then wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety you’ve created.
AMPP—ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime.
Common invitations include: “What’s going on?” “I’d really like to hear your opinion on this.” “Please let me know if you see it differently.” “Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to hear your thoughts.”
“Really? From the way you’re saying that, it doesn’t sound like you are.”
Examples of mirroring include: “You say you’re OK, but the tone of your voice sounds upset.” “You seem angry with me.” “You look nervous about confronting him. Are you sure you’re willing to do it?”
Asking and mirroring may help you get part of the other person’s story out into the open. When you get a clue about why the person is feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you’ve heard.
Don’t push too hard. Let’s see where we are. We can tell that another person has more to share than he or she is currently sharing.
We’ve asked, mirrored, and paraphrased.
At this point, we may want to back off. After a while, our attempts to make it safe for others can start feeling as if we’re pestering or prying. If we push too hard, we violate both purpose and respect. Others may think our purpose is merely to extract what we want from them, and conclude that we don’t care about them personally.
To keep ourselves from feeling like sellouts while exploring others’ paths—no matter how different or wrong they seem—remember we’re trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with it or support it.
Understanding doesn’t equate with agreement. Sensitivity doesn’t equate to acquiescence. By taking steps to understand another person’s Path to Action, we aren’t promising that we’ll accept their point of view. We are promising to listen.
Sanj: (Contrast to build safety.) I don’t want anyone to feel pressured to agree to a timeline he or she knows isn’t realistic. That spells disaster for all of us. I want you all to feel like you can be open and candid about the risks ahead, without worrying that it will reflect poorly on you or the team. It won’t. I don’t want any deadline that we can’t all win with. Tony: That’s easy for you to say. You’re the star from corporate. Your job’s not on the line. Sanj: (Ask.) Can we talk about that for a minute? I’ve overheard several of you make comments about me being from corporate. I get the
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really like to know if there is something about me or the way I’m managing that’s making that hard.
Sanj: (Paraphrases.) Oh, it sounds like maybe you think your jobs are at risk. Is that it?
“I see things differently. Let me describe how.” “I come at this from a different perspective.” “My data stream is different from yours. Can I share it?”
The best “curiosity puzzle” is answering the question “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person say what he or she is saying?”
To avoid violated expectations, separate dialogue from decision-making. Make it clear how decisions will be made—who will be involved and why.
“Great. This has been a really helpful conversation, and it feels like we’re in a really good place. I want to recap what we have talked about just to make sure I have it all right.”
“I am so glad we have had this conversation. I feel like we’re headed in a good direction. And I want to make sure I’m clear on what we each need to do differently going forward. In terms of my commitments, I’ll . . .”
Deal with trust around the issue, not around the person.
Just try to trust them in the moment, not across all issues. You don’t have to trust them in everything.
