Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

by Kerry Patterson

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. —GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

Now, what makes one of your conversations crucial

First, opinions vary. For

Second, stakes are high.

Third, emotions run strong.

What makes each of these conversations crucial—and not simply frustrating, frightening, or annoying—is that the outcome could have a huge impact on either relationships or results that affect you greatly.

What happens in the absence of candid dialogue? Contention. Resentment. Gamesmanship. Poor decisions. Spotty execution. Missed opportunities.

You can measure the health of relationships, teams, and organizations by measuring the lag time between when problems are identified and when they are resolved.

Despite the importance of Crucial Conversations, we often back away from them because we fear engaging will make matters worse.

If you fail to discuss issues you have with your boss, your life partner, your neighbor, or your peer, will those issues magically disappear? No. Instead, they will become the lens you see the other person through. And how you see always shows up in how you act. Your resentment will show up in how you treat the other person.

Our natural tendencies in moments that seem threatening lean toward fight or flight rather than listen and speak.

Your body’s instinct is to prepare you for physical safety.

Strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power—the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics.

that the only way to really strengthen relationships is through the truth, not around it.

You can predict months or years in advance with nearly 90 percent accuracy which projects will fail. The predictor of success or failure was whether people could hold specific, relevant Crucial Conversations.

When it comes to Crucial Conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.

whatever the decision-making method, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice, the more the unity, and the stronger the conviction—whoever makes the choice.

Sometimes we rely on hints, sarcasm, innuendo, and looks of disgust to make our points. We play the martyr and then pretend we’re actually trying to help. Or maybe, afraid to confront an individual, we blame an entire team for a problem—hoping the message will hit the right target. Whatever the technique, the overall method is the same. We withhold meaning from the pool. We go to silence.

When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong, we’re often at our worst. In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning—especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial thoughts and opinions—and to get others to share their pools.

When facing a Crucial Conversation, most of us unconsciously make a “Fool’s Choice”—we think we have to choose between “telling the truth” and “keeping a friend.” Skilled communicators resist this false tradeoff and look for ways to do both.

That escalated emotion should signal to her that the issue is no longer the project deadline. Something more important needs to be addressed!

The person knows how to unbundle, choose, and simplify the issues involved.

Those who are skilled at Crucial Conversations present their brains with a more complex question. They ask, “What do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?”

Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.

When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives.

How you respond to your own emotions is the best predictor of everything that matters in life.

You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, insulted, or hurt. You and only you create your emotions.

Once you’ve created your upset emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them.

Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story.

If we can find a way to change the stories we tell by rethinking or retelling them, we can master our emotions and, therefore, master our Crucial Conversations.

If you want improved results from your Crucial Conversations, change the stories you tell yourself—even while you’re in the middle of the fray.

The best at dialogue find a way to first slow down and then take charge of their Path to Action. Here’s how: Retrace Your Path

Notice Your Behavior

Put Your Feelings into Words

When you take the time to precisely articulate what you’re feeling, you begin to put a little bit of daylight between you and the emotion. This distance lets you move from being hostage to the emotion to being an observer of it.

As you scan for other facts to complete the picture, be sure to ask, “What facts are there that contradict my story?”

Sellouts are often not big events. In fact, they can be so small that they’re easy for us to overlook

stories. When we don’t admit to our own mistakes, we obsess about others’ faults, our innocence, and our powerlessness to do anything other than what we’re already doing.

Clever stories omit crucial information about us, about others, and about our options. Only by including all these essential details can clever stories be transformed into useful ones.

More often than not, when faced with persistent or recurrent problems, the role we are playing (and are pretending not to notice) is one of silent complicity.

When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?”

Had I not finally faced my story, I would not have gotten the results I wanted most.

Examine your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing. • Put your feelings into words. Learn to accurately identify and name the emotions behind your story. Ask: “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?” • Spot your story. Identify your story. Ask: “What story must I be telling to create these emotions? What story is creating these emotions?”

Separate fact from story. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story. Ask:

“What evidence do I have to support this story?” • Watch for clever stories. Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories sit at the top of the list.

I have known a thousand scamps; but I never met one who considered himself so. Self-knowledge isn’t so common. —OUIDA

communication. During Crucial Conversations, the key to maintaining dialogue is to learn to dual-process.

What do you need to see in order to catch problems before they become too severe? It helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under

Stress. Let’s consider each of these conversation killers in turn.

Some people first notice physical signals.