Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

by Kerry Patterson

What makes each of these conversations crucial—and not simply frustrating, frightening, or annoying—is that the outcome could have a huge impact on either relationships or results that affect you greatly.

You can measure the health of relationships, teams, and organizations by measuring the lag time between when problems are identified and when they are resolved.

If you fail to discuss issues you have with your boss, your life partner, your neighbor, or your peer, will those issues magically disappear? No. Instead, they will become the lens you see the other person through. And how you see always shows up in how you act. Your resentment will show up in how you treat the other person.

Our natural tendencies in moments that seem threatening lean toward fight or flight rather than listen and speak.

“How can I be 100 percent honest with Chris and at the same time be 100 percent respectful?”

When it comes to Crucial Conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.

Conversely, when people aren’t involved, when they sit back during touchy conversations, they’re rarely committed to the final decision. Since their ideas remain in their heads and their opinions never make it into the pool, they end up quietly criticizing and passively resisting.

The first time something happens, it’s an incident. The second time it might be coincidence. The third time, it’s a pattern.

The more words it takes you to describe the topic, the less prepared you are to talk.

Never allow the conversation to shift or the topic to change without acknowledging you’ve done it.

You can’t simply highlight an inspiring paragraph in a book and walk away changed.

The best at dialogue do something completely different. They aren’t held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions. That is, when they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out. As a result, they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results.

identifying your emotions is more difficult than you might imagine. In fact, many people are emotionally illiterate. When asked to describe how they’re feeling, they use words such as “bad” or “angry” or “scared”—which would be OK if these were accurate descriptors, but often they’re not. Individuals say they’re angry when, in fact, they’re feeling a mix of embarrassment and surprise. Or they suggest they’re unhappy when they’re feeling violated. Perhaps they suggest they’re upset when they’re really feeling humiliated and hurt.

you’re far more likely to take an honest look at the story you’re telling yourself if you admit you’re feeling both embarrassed and surprised rather than simply angry.

It’s not enough for you to have good intentions; the other person must know that this is the case.

To stop arguing, we have to suspend our belief that our choice is the absolute best and only one, and that we’ll never be happy until we get exactly what we currently want. We have to open our mind to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there is a third choice out there—one that suits everyone.

Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input. They realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth. They are curious about information and perspectives others have. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final word. They may currently believe something but realize that with new information they may change their minds. This means they’re willing to both express their opinions and encourage others to do the same.

Gathering the facts is the homework required for Crucial Conversations.

The skill here is to share your facts, not the facts. You are sharing what you have seen and heard. When you acknowledge that these are your facts, you make space for other facts—things the other person may have seen and heard. Sure, you have done your homework thoroughly in gathering the facts, but you don’t pretend to have all the facts.

You need to earn the right to share your story by starting with your facts.

Be careful not to apologize for your views. Remember, the goal of Contrasting is not to water down your message, but to be sure that people don’t hear more than you intend. Be confident enough to share what you really want to express.

the only limit to how strongly you can express your opinion is your willingness to be equally vigorous in encouraging others to challenge it.

Understanding doesn’t equate with agreement. Sensitivity doesn’t equate to acquiescence. By taking steps to understand another person’s Path to Action, we aren’t promising that we’ll accept their point of view. We are promising to listen.

If you live by the compliment, you’ll die by the criticism.

Don’t leave your hard work to memory. If you’ve gone to the effort to complete a Crucial Conversation, don’t fritter away all the meaning you created by trusting your memories. Write down the details of conclusions, decisions, and assignments. Remember to record who does what by when. Revisit your notes at key times (usually the next meeting) and review assignments.