Really Good, Actually

by Monica Heisey

Emotional Lauren said she’d heard a podcast recently that would change our lives.

EMOTIONAL LAUREN PLSSS

And so I did not date, and remained chubby and happy, until roughly twelfth grade, when not having been laid was enough heartbreak to make me lose, rapidly and with no real effort except abstention from solid food and constant monitoring and recording of my caloric intake, fifty-five pounds. Everyone was very happy for me until I fainted in math class after having a popsicle for lunch.

THE WRITING??? mwah.

But I had recovered too well in that area, was annoyingly committed to nourishing myself, and so my soft butt and I stayed fed.

And so our marriage was over, six hundred and eight days after it began.

ima have to count that

And now I was alone on a hot June evening, eating bread and butter in my wedding lingerie because the rest of my underwear was dirty.

LMFAOOO

After we got engaged he started doing this thing where he would pretend to die if I left the room. I’d come back to find him sprawled on the couch or slumped over the kitchen table, his dark eyes vacant and lifeless. I told him it creeped me out.

oh so hes weird 2

kate bush not on itunes

WHO IS KATE BUSH

but love makes people corny and a bit absurd, and that is just how it is.

“It’s not his fault,” I said, shoving my keys into a purse and opening the door. “Really. It’s my fault, if anything.” Amirah made a face. “How is it your fault?” I didn’t really know, that was just how it felt.

We passed our phones around, sharing our favorite naked self-portraiture, reclaiming our human asses together.

WHAT

I spent distracted time with the self-help authors, agreeing furiously with whatever was in front of me and forgetting it moments later.

IM CRYING

I woke the next morning to a text from my sister: mom says we have to check on you, apparently you’re having some kind of breakdown.

krjrfhreeKNEHHWWH

Man, sorry to hear that. I had no idea. I ran into him the other day. He looked pretty good, I’m sorry to say. He was with a wo— Hey, have you ever heard of k—”

WHA

I’m sure I don’t need to explain why this was less than ideal, but unfortunately that was not the end of it. When I called my ex-husband to apologize, he told me it was not a big deal to receive four calls from a delivery driver at 4 am because he was at this point “pretty used to it,” and the only thing he found disturbing was the volume of my beef consumption.

IM CRYING

naïveté,

One summer he time-shared three girlfriends who all knew about each other, dating them on rotating nights.

thats disgusting lol