Believe Me (Shatter Me #6.5)

by Tahereh Mafi

I find myself standing alone in front of what I’m still processing as my own home,

“C’mon, man,” he says, still smiling. “You’ve got stuff to do, too.” I look at him. “What kind of stuff?” “Well, first of all, this is for you,”

I told her it wasn’t a good idea to spring a wedding on a person, but whatever.

I’m lost for words, having never been prepared, in all my life, to deal with such a strange scenario. I try to think, then, of what Ella would do.

“Thank you,” I say into the silence. “For everything.” The crowd erupts into whoops and cheers at that, the tension gone in an instant.

Adam is the first to wave at me from a distant corner, and I notice then that he’s got his free arm wrapped around the waist of a young woman with blond hair. Alia.

Today she seems unusually bright and happy. So does Adam.

“How did you know that I don’t like surprises?” “Bro, you’re forgetting that I watched you have an actual panic attack.” He taps his head. “I know some things, okay?”

“You had a single conversation with a doctor and now you think you’re capable of psychoanalyzing me?”

She was talking about some of these inmates and the problems they were facing and I was like, oh my God, you could be describing Warner right now.”

James rolls his eyes and lunges at me, hugging me right around the middle in a show of unprecedented self-assurance that shocks me, briefly, into paralysis.

“You’re welcome,” he says, beaming. “Thanks for inviting me.” “I didn’t invi—”

I am in a perfectly tailored, dark green, three-piece suit with a white shirt and black tie.

Winston told me he decided to go with this deep shade of green because he thought it would suit my eyes and offset my gold hair.

later this evening after a break post-ceremony, during which our guests will change work shifts, see to things back at the base, and Ella and I will have a chance to take pictures.

I want to live a life like this, to be able to withstand unexpected moments of kindness delivered by the person I love most in the world.

This yard is separated from its neighbor’s by only a short, shabby wooden fence.

Kenji will no doubt spend the rest of our lives tormenting me from over top of it.

I love the fact this is a great possibility

Sam’s anger flares. “You know what your problem is?” “Yes. The list is long.”

he barks over and over, all the while pawing anxiously at the screen door—my screen door—which

“Let him out,” I say to her, my voice carrying.

Still, her feelings are both generous and disconcerting, some of them loud enough to make me physically uncomfortable.

there is a single metal coin hanging from the red strap, and I pinch it between two fingers, the better to examine it. It reads: DOG.

Sam is laughing openly now, and I pivot to face her. “You think this is funny? What am I supposed to do with a dog?”

“Um, I don’t know”—she shoots me an incredulous look—“give it a loving home?” “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Sonya and Sara, clad in identical green gowns, take positions adjacent to the wedding arch, their black suitcases gone.

In their hands they hold matching violins and bows, the sight of which paralyzes me anew. I feel that familiar pain in my chest, something like fear. It’s beginning.

“Anyway, don’t worry. We took care of it. You seemed really busy standing still for half an hour, staring at nothing. We didn’t want to interrupt.”

“First things first: do you need to go to the bathroom or anything before we start? Personally, I think you should go even if you don’t think you have to, because it would be really awkward if you suddenly had t—” “Stop.”

“Oh—right!” Kenji says, slapping his hand to his forehead. “My bad, bro, I forgot—you never have to use the bathroom, do you?” “No.”

“You’re not coming with me?” Kenji goes stock-still at that, his mouth slightly agape. I realize, a moment too late, exactly what I’ve just suggested—and still I can’t bring myself to retract the question, and I can’t explain why.

Right now, it doesn’t seem to matter. Right now, I can’t quite feel my legs.

“Yeah,” he says finally. “Of course I’m coming with you.”

Sonya and Sara lift their violins, sharing a glance before one of the sisters, Sonya, takes the lead, launching into the opening of Pachelbel’s Canon in D.

“Hey, man,” Kenji whispers beside me. “You all right?” I shake my head an inch. “What’s wrong?” I can feel Kenji studying my face.

“Oh—shit—are you having a panic attack?” “Not yet,” I manage to say. I close my eyes, try to breathe. “It’s too loud in here.” “The music?” “The people.”

“Okay. Okay. Shit. So you can, like, feel everything they’re feeling right now? Right. Shit. Of course you can. Okay. All right, what should I do? You want me to talk to you? How about I just talk to you? Why don’t you just focu...

“I don’t know if that will work,” I say, taking a shaky breat...

“Cool. Okay. First of all, open your eyes. Juliette is going to walk out in a couple of minutes, and you won’t want t...

Her dress is, like, really, really pretty, and I don’t even know anything about dresses, so that should tell you something.”

The sound of his voice is a strange lifeline.

“So Juliette’s dress is, um, like, really glittery, but also really soft-looking? Winston and Alia had to come up with a new design on such short notice,” Kenji explains, “but they were able to repurpose some gown you guys got at the Supply Center yesterday.

Hey, is this helping?” “Yes,” I say, drawing in a full breath for the first time in minutes.

“Great, so—nice sleeves, and, and um, you know, it’s got a long fluffy skirt— Okay, yeah, I’m sorry, bro, but I’m kind of out of descriptions for Juliette’s dress,

Nazeera helped us confiscate the violins they’re using today from old Reestablishment holdings. They’re playing this song from memory.

The audience rises almost at once, a rush of breaths and bodies clambering to their feet, craning their necks, and for a moment, I can’t see her at all.

And then, suddenly, I do.

Ella looks spun from gossamer, glowing as she glitters in the soft light.

Her gown has a corseted, glimmering bodice that flows into a soft, decadent skirt, her arms bare save delicate, off-the-shoulder scraps of tulle that graze her skin. She is luminous.

her hair in an elegant arrangement atop her head, a long veil gracing her shoulders, flowing with her as she walks.