Catch and Cradle

by Katia Rose

I’ve been out as a lesbian since I was seventeen, but I’ve never loved out loud.

That’s so sad wtf

Her glasses slip an inch down her nose, and my hand twitches with the urge to push them back up.

I want this. I want her. I want more—of everything. I’m starting to realize just how small my world really is, how much I’ve shrunk it down and limited myself to make sure I’m safe.

We’re surrounded by people, but when she leans in to kiss me, I meet her halfway. Her lips press against mine just for a second, but it’s enough to make every colour in this miniature paradise gleam brighter and bolder when I open my eyes.

I don’t want to hide her away and kiss her in corners anymore. I want the real thing.

She deserved everything, right from the beginning.

The only thing that keeps me from slipping fully into that peace is how much I miss her. Even with the reassurance that I have people on my side no matter what, I still feel her absence as a constant ache. I started carving out a place for her in my life before I realized what I was doing. Now that space is collapsing in on itself, and it hurts.

I want her back. I want to at least try getting her back, and maybe it’s time to start figuring out how.

If I don’t face her, I don’t have to face the possibility of losing her.

Life changes. It’s always moving and shifting, just like the sea or the sky. The world grows and evolves, and we have to grow and evolve right along with it. Counting on people isn’t about asking them not to change; it’s about trusting them to keep being there for you even when they do change.

I notice the team members on the field all looking back and forth between us, but all I have eyes for is Hope. For those few seconds, it’s just us on this field. It’s just us in this world.

She cups one of my cheeks in her hand as her whole face stretches into one huge, beaming smile brighter than any sun I’ve ever seen.

And then she kisses me. She kisses me, and I kiss her back, and maybe it’s only our lacrosse team going crazy, but it feels like the whole world cheers just for us.

I will admit that accidentally showing up to practice in a shirt with Becca’s name on the back instead of mine was asking for it.

Maybe sometimes you just need to take the damn shot and stop worrying about what everyone else will say.

He nods over my shoulder, and I turn to find Becca standing a few feet away from our pile of teammates. She’s looking right at me. Her goggles are slung around her neck. Her sweaty jersey is clinging to the front of her body. Her hair is a mess, and she’s somehow gotten dirt streaked across one of her cheeks. And she’s beautiful. She’s so fucking beautiful.

“How are you this beautiful?” Becca pulls my face down to hers and tangles her hands in my hair. “Seriously, how?”

Sometimes she just looks so stunning and totally lost in the moment all I can do is stare at her in awe.

I freeze as soon as I see her. I don’t know when she’s going to stop having that effect on me. Hopefully never.

I hold the flowers to my chest and shake my head. “I fucking love you.”

We’ve never said that before. Not for real. I don’t even know if I meant it for real, but as soon as it leaves my mouth, I know it’s true, and there’s no taking it back.

“Yeah.” I force myself to swallow. “I...I love you, Hope. I love you so much.”

“I love you,” she says between each one. “I love you so much.”

I want to say it to her every night and every morning. I promise myself I will. I promise her. I pour that promise into every kiss, and I know she hears me. I know she trusts me, and I trust her right back.