Catch and Cradle

by Katia Rose

I do my best to keep from doing a totally obvious full body scan, but I can’t help noticing her black leggings and dark green plaid button-down. It has to be made by a company with a name like ‘Lesbians R Us’ or ‘Wear These Clothes to Bang All the Women Ever.’

I wanted her to work me so hard I collapsed on the field, and then I wanted her to show me what I earned for being so good for her.

She’s a whole universe slowly unfolding itself in front of me, and there’s something humbling and precious about that.

I’ve always noticed her. I’ve always felt her like a change in seasons, like a shift of scents and colours, of sounds in the air and wind on my skin. Sometimes she’s the first crackle of dried leaves in the fall and sometimes she’s the mud and melting of spring, but she’s always a change. She’s always a collection of warning signs there to remind me I spend every day of my life pulled around the sun by a force I can’t feel or see.

what being a friend means: believing in the people you love so much that they always find their way back to believing in themselves. I click the button. My friends cheer. I can do anything.

wasn’t expecting you to score from there. I was just as shocked as everyone else. You were like the ball whisperer today.” I gawk at her. She stares at me blankly for a second and then claps her hands over her mouth as I start laughing so hard I lose my breath. “Did you really just use the phrase ball whisperer?” I choke out after a moment. “Really, Becca?” “Lacrosse balls!” she insists as she doubles over with laughter too. “I’ve been called a stick master before. Now I’m the ball whisperer. I’m just working all the equipment.”

She’s directly across from me, and we keep locking eyes, smiling and looking away, then locking eyes again. It’s very gay.

That’s what it will come to. I’ve spent the past two weeks realizing I’m never going to be with someone who makes me feel small ever again. I want someone who makes me feel equal in every way, who makes me feel like I’m worth trusting and relying on. I’m not going to be treated like the stupid girl who can’t handle things.

My friends are not subtle with all their jokes about how often I’ve been ‘banging the captain.’ I will admit that accidentally showing up to practice in a shirt with Becca’s name on the back instead of mine was asking for it.