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“It was all worth it. You are mine, and I am yours.”
“That’s it, sleep away this nightmare.” I do as she says, only because I know it’s his face I’ll see and his warmth I’ll feel because Calder’s with me in my dreams. And my nightmares. He’s always with me, protecting me, loving me. Until I open my eyes again. “Better,” I whisper as my dreamworld begins blending with my reality, and everything fades into darkness.
Our Father who art in heaven. You abandoned me. Left me to this cruelty. You’ve taken the only man I love from me and allowed innocent people to be punished in the name of their hate. So this is the last time I’ll pray to your name. If you’re real, if you ever loved me, then commit Hunter to hell. And let them burn with him.
“I promise to die by your side when we’re wrinkly and fucking gray. So that we’ll never be apart again.” “And I promise to love you even after death.”
God, when he used to say, “If we only had tonight, would it be worth it?” I always said yes, without hesitation. Because it was the truth. The idea of living a whole life, never knowing what it’s like to be loved by him, even for the tiniest moment, seemed tragic. Not a life worth living. But there’s a flip side to that. Now I know what it’s like without him. What life feels like because I had him. And it’s worse. If I’d never known what his lips felt like, I wouldn’t beg God to let me forget. Or if I’d never felt what it was like to be safe in his arms, I wouldn’t hate the feel of my own
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“God, I miss you in the most nonromantic, whorey way, Calder Wolfe. Today your dick is my rather.”
“There’s a peace born from the brutality of righteousness.
And on the day I meet my maker, I won’t pray. I won’t ask for forgiveness. Because this is what you fucking deserve.”
“Who did this to you?”
“They all did this to me. You’re the only one that protects me.”
“I’m…” There are so many endings to that sentence—broken, battered, scared, exhausted—but the only one that matters is the one I say, “…yours. Forever.”
“How do I even begin to say thank you?” I don’t mean to say it aloud, but it comes out without permission. He stops at the door staring down at me as a grin begins to grace his face. “You don’t.” He hugs me closer, leaning down to kiss my lips. “You don’t ever say thank you for getting everything you fucking deserve. You are owed beauty and magic. And, baby, you better demand it from me every goddamn day for the rest of our lives.”
“She told me that men were like fish—the great ones devour the small. But that Calder was the ocean, and he’d swallow everyone whole. She said death wasn’t waiting for him. It was listening for his instruction.”
“I threw him on the table and taped all their fucking mouths shut because they never listened to your cries.” His words grind out between his teeth. “So nobody got to hear theirs.”
“Write about a love that defies the stars. Write about yours.”
“Baby, I promise to die by your side when we’re wrinkly and fucking gray. So that we’ll never be apart again.” My hands cradle his face. “And I promise to love you even after death.”
“Not even death does us part.”
“Don’t you be sad. It’s better this way. Now I can make sure they let you into heaven.”
“You’re here.” I cradle her face, bringing my lips to hers, feeling warmth on her lips, almost tasting the sun. “Not even in death, baby.”
The never End to a kind of love story we all deserve.
