Icebreaker

by A.L. Graziadei

I am constantly overwhelmed and astounded by how incredible all my sisters are in all the things they do. The list of their successes is never-ending. But nobody seems to care about them. Because they’re women. Because women kicking ass in their sports means less to them than an unproven seventeen-year-old boy with nothing to show for himself but a name.

sef-aware king

She’s a thesis-ing senior with two boyfriends—Sidney and Karim—who spent their summer in Europe with USA Lacrosse, so she’s been busy catching up with them when she’s not working.

two mans??? iconic

I don’t know if there’s some big heart-to-heart buried in my blacked-out memories from last night, but the others don’t look at me like they’re waiting for me to leave so they can talk crap about me anymore. They act like they want to talk to me. Like they want me to sit with them in the dining hall and hang out in the team lounge between classes. And like they want me on the ice for more than my wrist shot.

he's afraid of friendship how cute

Jaysen: Movie? Don’t say miracle or i will end you Mickey: Idk Spiderman with tom holland Jaysen: Now we’re talking Thor ragnarok

i love them kings with taste

I’m no pioneer. I’m not brave enough.

Huge step for men’s hockey, I say. Because, objectively, I know it is. Cauler’s the first one to like it.

Does he even realize he is holding my hand right now? He doesn’t let go the rest of the way through the house. I hold my body so tensely that by the time we come out of it, I’m positive I’ve tripled whatever damage that goalie did to my back. It feels like pins are being shoved between all my vertebrae.

Stepping into a hotel room with him feels like crossing into uncharted territory, and I am being absolutely ridiculous. I’ve shared hotel rooms, even beds with plenty of teammates before. There is absolutely nothing different or special about this.

FORCED PROXIMITY TROPE IM SCREAMING

brush my teeth slowly, glancing toward the door every few seconds. As if he’s gonna burst in here at any moment and shove me up onto the counter and make out with me and my mouthful of toothpaste. My face burns and my stomach flips at just the idea of it.

ADORABLE NO NOTES

“I, uh…” He scratches his jaw. “I’m leeching off my brother’s Netflix. I was gonna fall asleep to Spider-Man if you wanna…” He trails off and avoids looking at me. I swallow again. What is happening right now? “Tom Holland version?” He rolls his eyes, smirking. “Are there any others?”

NETFLIX ADD MCU SPIDER-MAN TRILOGY THE GIRLIES ARE BEGGING

“You can get in the bed,” he says after a few minutes. “It’s big enough.”

I’m not even paying attention to the movie, really. I’ve seen it so many times, I could probably act the whole thing out on my own.

a man after my own heart

On the screen, Tom Holland’s Spider-Man is giving an awkward speech at his aunt’s shelter.

ahh far from home great choice

“I got over my crush a long time ago, if that’s what you’re asking,” he says quietly.

CAULER AND ZERO?????

“He might come visit on spring break,” Cauler says. “Hmm?” “My ex I’m still friends with.” I stop in the middle of my message to Nova. Did I hear that right? I mean, I wasn’t really paying attention, but I’m pretty sure he said he. Is he, like, trying to come out to me right now? There’s no way.

THE HINTS PLS THE GAY TENSION IS TOO MUCH

“Are you gay?” I breathe. It feels wrong to ask it so bluntly. But I’m pretty sure he wants me to ask. He’s been leading this conversation here from the beginning. His eyes rove over my face, hesitating over my lips before he meets my stare again. “What would you do if I said yes?” There is no way. No way he’d give me that kind of ammunition against him. No way he would ever look at me like that. Like if I leaned in just a little he’d kiss the living daylights out of me. When have I ever given him the impression that I’d be into it anyway? I mean, I’m obvious, but am I that obvious?

unwell

Do not look at his lips. For the love of god, Mickey, do not look at his lips. I look at his lips, parted slightly, just waiting for me.

I clear my throat and look away, back toward Tom Holland and Zendaya, a bisexual’s dream.

TRUE

Jaysen Caulfield is into me. Maybe just as much as I am into him. Who would’ve thought?

“Think about your happiness, for one second. What would make you happy right this very moment? Don’t think about the consequences or what could go wrong. Just think about what you want.”

“I’m never happy, Nova,” I say. I poke at the bruises under my eyes in the mirror, permanent physical evidence of the years spent lying awake at night, staring at the walls, the ceiling, the insides of my eyelids.

my baby!!!!

“What would help get you there? Doesn’t have to be something huge, doesn’t have to cure you of your depression here and now. Just, what would make it easier to handle?” Out in the room, Cauler’s alarm goes off. I glance at the door. “Like, it would make me downright giddy if you were here on this beach with me,” Nova adds. “Or if I had a loganberry in one hand and a Tim Horton’s iced capp in the other. It can be small things like that.”

Nova: I want you to do one thing for yourself today Promise me We have the last game of this roadie today, then we’re on a plane back home tonight. Tomorrow, it’s back to school, where midterms are coming up fast. But today, I think I can manage. Mickey: I promise.

His grin opens up into a full-blown smile, dimples in both cheeks, eyes crinkled. “You little shit.”

It’s not my goal, and Cauler’s my sworn enemy. But it was a downright beauty of an assist, and I won’t be afraid to acknowledge my good work today. I’ll have a crisis tomorrow. For now, I turn to where Cauler’s got his arms up, just as Zero and our blueliners close in on him for hugs and helmet pats. Usually I just offer fist bumps after goals. I’ve never been a hockey hugger. Now? Now I throw myself into it. I jump to get my arms around Zero’s and Cauler’s shoulders, pulling them down to my level as my skates hit the ice again.

Cauler doesn’t say anything. But he smiles. And, oh, I am so fucked. His smile has never been more beautiful than it is now. Shy. And genuine. And at least in part because of me.

ZHISJDJEXJDDBJKS

Cauler doesn’t say anything. But he smiles. And, oh, I am so fucked. His smile has never been more beautiful than it is now. Shy. And genuine. And at least in part because of me.

SBSHDBVAJDSBJSM

Things have been good. Which of course means the universe has to go and pull the rug out from under me.

mood

went from feeling great, loving hockey, loving the guys on the ice with me, to feeling like I was maybe gonna be okay, to feeling as bad as I have ever felt all in a matter of days. It’s like that single day of contentedness sent my brain into self-destruct mode because it didn’t know what was happening.

Pretend I’m not dead inside for sixty minutes.

but my heart still hesitates at the sight of him. I. Should’ve. Kissed him.

We both hesitate, watching each other in this weird gay standoff.

babies

I feel kind of bad taking up space at the front from people who could really get into it, but at least I’m short enough for them to see over me.

me at every concert

But we’re in public, and he’s a hockey player, and we’re supposed to be rivals.

rivals to lovers = god tier trope

“I’d still be doing this without my name. I’d just be enjoying it a lot more.”

Jaysen: I think you’re plenty interesting

Jaysen: To be fair I do find you pretty okay to look at That whole dead inside thing you got going on? Right up my alley

jaysen gets it

My brain’s on a constant loop of you’re pretty okay to look at and right up my alley and wow, the smell of cinnamon is now enough to get me going. I am pathetic.

He pulls off this one play where he’s cutting behind the net and tosses the puck back to me with this sexy-as-hell no-look pass. I almost don’t capitalize on it because I’m too busy going hhnnnngg.

like a moose! make all the boy moose go WEAHHHH

“You looked like a Chihuahua taking on a mastiff,” Cauler says. “Like an angry little puppy. Adorable.” I can’t hold back my grin, even if it hurts.

DOWN SOOOO BADDDD

Nova: That was almost sexy Mickey: You saying you liked watching me get my ass beat? Nova: Mickey You’ve seen the fanfic i read I can’t help but snort at that. Nova strictly reads hurt fic involving her favorite fictional guys. If there’s any hint of comfort in it, she’s not about it. Sometimes I worry about her.

But I don’t log into my Hartland account and I don’t start any readings. Instead, I go to Twitter to read what random strangers have to say about me.

felt

I could’ve scored six goals in that game and getting beat in a fight still would’ve been the most badass thing I’ve ever done.

Mickey: You’ve had plenty of chances

MICK THIS IS AN INNUENDO IF I'VE EVER SEEN ONE

Maybe it was just the way he laid me out on the ice. Oh.

“Same page?” he asks softly, a slight tremor in his voice. “Same page,” I almost whisper.

He kisses me like he means it. Holds me close to him. It’s enough to rip my empty chest wide-open.

Mickey: This just in Hooking up with a hot guy does not cure depression

mood

I’m used to being alone. Not so used to feeling alone like this.

It’s too much. I smell like saliva. I need a shower. I need sleep. I need water. I need to work on my papers. I need to go back to the rink. I need.