Beneath the Surface (Sugarlake, #4)

by Emily McIntire

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

So, instead of letting out a sob, my fingers dug deeper into my stuffed bunny rabbit, gripping it as tight as possible, while my foster father stole my innocence. I was nine years old. We were with them for over a year.

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby, you’ll be.” I whisper the last lines of the book, closing the pages delicately as his soft snores fill the room, and just like that, everything drains away.

In moments like these, in the deep dark of night, right after I put my baby down to sleep and am feeling the sting of loneliness—that’s when I miss my brother the most. When I regret running away the way I did all those years ago. Thoughts creep into the forefront of my mind and I wonder where he is, what he’s doing… if he still thinks of me. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. Running my hand over my baby boy’s hair, I lean down, kissing his forehead. “Good night, Chase. Sweet dreams.”

She doesn’t have a car, and she doesn’t really have any friends, so she rarely travels outside of the two-mile radius between her home and her work, but every Wednesday morning, like clockwork, she takes her little kid to the park on the edge of town. It’s not kept up well by the state—no surprise there—the colored metal of the monkey bars chipped and faded, and the swings squeaking with rust, but that boy’s face lights up when they go. Like it’s the best thing in the world. A simple type of joy that somewhere along the way we lose. Either because we become conditioned to view the world through a certain lens, or because it’s beaten out of us by the harsh realities of our lives. Maybe it’s a little bit of both.

Lily Adams is still too much of a mystery. And I’m desperate to uncover her secrets.

“You’re gonna choose to be strong today just like you did yesterday, and the day before, and every day before that since the moment you walked into that clinic and realized you had someone else to live for.”

Chase’s biggest demon was living with our mother. Mine was after she left.

“Well, hi there, friend.” He releases Annabelle, sitting down, his long legs taking up all of the empty space left under the table. “Hey, little bird.” My nose scrunches. “Little bird?” He doesn’t respond, only grins. “Haven’t seen you in a while,” I continue. “I thought you were gone.” His eyes spark. “Is that how you see me? As someone who would leave without saying goodbye?” My stomach flips, my heart cinching tight. “I don’t know what you seem like. We’re strangers, remember?” He tsks, a smirk pulling up the left side of his face. “You just called us friends. You can’t take that back.” My brow quirks. “Says who?”

“You don’t drink?” Annabelle asks. I shake my head. “Nope, not for years.” “How come?” She tilts her head. My fingers scratch at my wrist. “Who cares?” Alex cuts in. “I don’t drink either.” My breath whooshes out, and Annabelle’s head snaps to him. “What?” His brow rises. “Is that a problem?” “N-no,” she stutters. “I just assumed, I guess. Most people do, and—” “So because most do that means everyone should?” he presses.

Sometimes we cover our skin to hide the sins of our past.

“Back again?” I ask. He smirks, running his hand through his wind-tousled hair. “Did you miss me?” “Like a hole in the head.”

“What was it?” Chase whispers, staring down at the dragon breathing fire that decorates my arm. I lean in. “A cave.” He sucks in a breath. “That’s right. And there was a beautiful dragon inside. Gorgeous.” “Dwagons ugly, though.” I shake my head, tsking. “Noooo, who told you that? Dragons are beautiful.” My eyes jump back to Lily’s. “Strong. Independent. Fierce. Especially this one. She was a mama dragon, and there’s something special about mamas.” “Like mine?” Chase asks. Lily grins, a glossy sheen coasting across her eyes. I nod again. “Exactly like yours.”

“You ready to go, baby?” I smirk. “Well, we went pretty quick from strangers to pet names, but I’m ready whenever you are.” She frowns, but there’s a twitch at the corner of her lips. “I was speaking to my son, dummy.” My grin grows. “Whatever you say, little bird.” “Speaking of pet names… why do you call me that?” I shrug. “Why not?”

“You sleep on the couch?” “It’s not so bad.” She shrugs. I’m not sure why I’m surprised, I know her financial situation, and I’ve seen people live in much worse conditions. But the act of her giving up the room just feels so… selfless. I hope one day her kid looks back and realizes he chose a good mom when he came into this world. “Don’t look at me like that,” she snaps. “Like what?” My brows raise. Her hands go to her hips and I bite back a smile. She’s so feisty. All five foot two of her. “Like you don’t approve of our living situation.” “You have no idea what I’m thinking.” My grin widens. “Let me tell you something, this—” She waves her arms around the room. “I know this doesn’t seem like much. But this is incredible for me.” She takes a step closer with each word, until she’s standing so close I can feel the heat sparking off her body. Her neck cranes so she can see my face. “I’ve slept on frozen street corners, and I’ve lived on filthy floors. So you don’t get to come in here and judge us. Judge me.” My heart dives into my stomach, sinking like a rock. Is that what she thinks? Reaching out my hand, I tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, grazing her jaw with my fingers. “Believe me little bird, the last thing I’ll ever do is judge you.” My eyes track down her body, her chest heaving under her oversized Nirvana shirt. “I think you’re fucking incredible.”

“You don’t have to do this, you know?” Her voice is low. My brow quirks. “Do what?” “Buy his affection… or mine.” My stomach tightens at her words and I step into her, forcing her back until she’s flat against the wall. The second our bodies touch, heat spirals through my veins. “Is that what you think I’m doing, little bird?” Her breath falters, her palms coming up to rest against the cotton of my shirt. “Isn’t it?” “If I wanted your affection…” My hand slides up the side of her body, skimming against the tight curves hidden beneath her oversized shirt. “I’d take it.” She scoffs. “You can’t force affection.” My palm continues upward until my fingers wrap around her neck, my thumb resting under her chin. I squeeze firmly, tipping her head back. “Who says I’d have to force it?”

“Take a breath, dude.” Alex’s voice filters across the table, as he stares at Chase with a disgusted look. Chase smiles, bits of pancake peeking through his teeth, and Alex cracks a grin, chuckling. “You’re supposed to savor this shi—stuff.” I huff. “Kind of rude to assume he isn’t, just because he eats them differently than you.” His eyes sparkle as he looks at me. “He isn’t. I can tell.” “How’s that?” My stomach flips. “Because when you savor something, you take your time.” He leans forward, his elbows resting on the table, his eyes branding so deep they sear my soul. “You let it rest on your tongue until all you can see, think… feel is how lucky you are to have it touch your mouth in the first place.” My heart pounds against my chest, a rush of arousal spreading through my body. I cross my legs under the table, squeezing my thighs to stem the ache. Jesus.

“So, how are things with Annabelle?” The question rushes out before I can stop it. He bites his lip. “Why?” Because even though I have no reason for it, I hate that you’re together. “Just curious. You two seemed to hit it off.” He shrugs. “She’s a nice girl. But she’s just stress relief.” I nod slowly, sipping from my coffee. “Sounds like something a d-bag would say.” He smirks. “A d-bag?” “Yeah.” My eyes slide to Chase and back to him. “Don’t make me say it, you know what it means.” “I think you may be trying to insult me, little bird. Are you jealous?” My chest burns. “Mommy’s a bird?” Chase interrupts. Alex smiles, his gaze leaving mine. “Your mommy’s a lot of things.”

“This mouth looks pretty when it tells me lies.” His other hand leaves the cabinet, his fingers sweeping across the corner of my eye. “But your eyes show the truth.”

“How about a secret for a secret, little bird? Do you want to know something true?” I attempt to nod, but his hand tightens in my strands, making the root pull. Tingles flood through me, pooling between my thighs. “Yes,” I breathe. His lips move from my cheek until they’re resting just above my lips. “I don’t enjoy kissing. It’s never been my thing.” My stomach jumps into my throat, my knuckles tight from where I’m gripping the counter. “But I swear to God, I’d let the world burn if it meant I could taste your lips.” My heart free-falls into my stomach, my brain waging war against my body. My hands come up to push against his chest, but he doesn’t budge. He shakes his head. “Don’t do that.” “Do what?” My tongue peeks out, swiping across my mouth. “Don’t push me away.” His hips press into mine, the outline of his erection thick and hard against my stomach. “Tell me you don’t want me to kiss you,” he speaks against my lips. “Tell me you don’t feel this.” I take a deep breath. I do want him to kiss me. The truth is, not many men have. No need for an intimate act like kissing when the person you’re fucking is just a prop. Pinpricks of energy spark off our breath, drawing us together, begging me to give in. To move forward and let him taste all the ways he makes me feel. But then I remember Annabelle. The one person in my life I can almost consider a friend, and I pull back. My chest wrings tight, the sad reality of what I almost did making my gut heavy. “I don’t want ...

“Thanks for watching him.” She yawns. I smile, my thumb pressing into her arch. “You’ve gotta stop thanking me. I told you I’ll do it for as long as you need.” Her head tilts. “Oh, yeah? You gonna move here and babysit forever?” I smirk. “I don’t think I can commit to moving here permanently. Not when I can’t even get you to watch a movie with me after Chase goes to sleep.” She rolls her eyes. “I don’t even have any movies other than a few Disney ones.” “So you’re saying if you did have one, then you would?” She frowns. “I guess.” My chest warms. I’ve been trying to get her to relax around me for the past two weeks—ever since she pushed me away when I was two seconds from fucking her against the kitchen counter. “Lucky for you, I brought some.” She huffs out a laugh. “Of course you did.” “I wasn’t sure what type of movie buff you were, so I brought options.” I wiggle my brows. “Horror. Rom-com. Action. You pick it, we’ll watch it.” She bites her lip. “You don’t seem like a rom-com kind of guy, no offense.” Her leg jerks when my thumb presses against a tender spot. “I mean, I’m definitely offended, but it’s fine.” She giggles. “Well, I’m not a rom-com kinda girl, so let’s do action.”

“I. Am. Not. With. Annabelle.” Moving one hand from her jaw, I grab her fingers, pressing them against my chest. “You feel that?” Her eyes blink rapidly, her breaths coming in short pants as she nods. “No one has ever done this to me. Like my body is revolting against me just from being next to you. Just from the fucking thought of touching you.” My thumb rubs against her cheek. “So, no, Lily. Maybe you don’t know me. But you know this.” I press her hand harder against me. “And you know you feel it too.” I dip back down, brushing my lips across hers one last time, before releasing her and turning away to walk out the door.

“Why don’t you go ahead and take your boys home? I’ll finish up here.” My body stiffens at her insinuation. “I don’t—we…” She laughs, her hand coming out to rest on my arm. I jerk away, not liking the way it feels to have her hands on me. “It’s okay, girl. Like I told you, things with me and Alex were just a good time.” I narrow my eyes. “You seemed super into him.” She shrugs, her eyes flicking toward him before landing back on mine. “He doesn’t look at me the way he looks at you.” My stomach slingshots into my throat as I look down at the ramekins and shake my head. “He doesn’t look at me.” Annabelle huffs out a laugh. “He’s looking at you right now. You make a habit of lying to yourself?” I glance toward the back booth, my eyes colliding with his golden gaze, as they pierce through my chest and pull heady sensations from the deepest part of me. He winks, and a small grin makes its way onto my face, my heart skipping. Breaking our stare, I give my attention back to Annabelle. “Only when it keeps me safe.”

“You okay?” Lily asks. “Yeah.” I clear my throat. “Everything’s great, now that you’re here.” Standing up, I step in close, running my hand over the top of Chase’s hair. “He wanted his mommy, and so did I.” Electricity zings around my chest when her eyes spark, the apples of her cheeks flushing hot. Fuck, I have no control, but it’s so damn satisfying to get a response out of her.

So I won’t tell Alex all my secrets. But I’ll keep his safe all the same.

“Wh-what are you doing?” I stutter. “Kissing you,” he replies, his voice deep. “Why?” I choke out. He pauses, his breath hot as it wafts over my wrist, his eyes gazing up at me from under his lashes. “Because you deserve to be kissed.” My heart catapults, smashing any restraint I had on the way down. I yank my arm free and grab his face, pulling until the top half of his body hovers in front of mine, my hands framing his jaw. His free hand comes up, his thumb pressing firmly against my bottom lip. “I plan to kiss every part of you, little bird.”

“Oh, God,” I pant. “There’s no God here, little bird. It’s just you and me.”

“So responsive.” He smiles. “You made me.” I laugh. His grip tightens again and my giggle cuts off from the pressure. “I’m starting to think you were made for me,” he says. And then he leans in and steals my shocked gasp with a kiss.

“Don’t pretend you don’t want my tongue on your pussy.” Her fingers reach up and grasp my hair so tight there’s a sting at the root. “No one has ever—” My heart stutters, mouth watering; a thrill surging through me like a tidal wave. I move closer, my arm still pinning her down by her stomach, blowing my breath on top of her already swollen clit. “Shame for them then. A fucking pleasure for me.”

“I would die a thousand deaths right now to get inside of you,” he continues. “But I want to make sure we do things right. I need to make sure you’re taken care of.”

“I just want to make something extremely clear.” My heart pounds against my ribs. “Now that I’ve had you. Now that I’ve tasted you, no one else gets to touch you.” He slips his tongue in my mouth, branding me with ownership. I shouldn’t like the way it feels. But I do. “You’re mine.”

Thomas Wells wouldn’t give a shit about his family if it came up and bit him on the ass. I should know. I’m his son.

“I actually came here to talk,” she says. I groan, adjusting my hard-on, a smirk creeping on my face. “That sounds ominous. I thought you came to ride my dick.” She scoffs. “Jesus, with an attitude like that, who can say no?” My grin widens. “As if you’d have the option.”

I mean the words when I say them, but the weight of my secrets press down on my chest, threatening to shatter me into a million pieces. I’ve fucked so many faceless women. Told them pretty words and meaningless facts. But with Lily, it’s something more. Something deeper. Something that, if I’m honest with myself, I’ve felt since the moment I laid eyes on her months ago, when I was taking her pictures from a distance and planning to hand her off to her brother. And maybe that’s why I never passed on what I found. Maybe that’s why I’ve stayed here, less than a day’s drive away from where I promised I would never go back. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to leave. Because drowning in Lily is better than wading in a life without her. I can’t lose her yet.

“So... how much longer are you here for?” He exhales, his nose flaring, his gaze once again searing through mine. The moment is strained, and my heart aches, desperate to claw its way out of me and sink into him, to soak up the secrets he won’t show. “I’m not sure,” he admits. My stomach twists. Both of his palms come up to grip my face, his thumbs brushing along my cheekbones. “But I know that I want to be wherever you are.” My chest warms. “Well, I’m here.” His hands tighten even further, our noses skimming with every inhale. “And I’m here, too, Lily.” “But for how long?” The words catch in my throat. “For as long as you want me.”

And then, for the first time in my life, I truly surrender. I let myself fall. I just hope he’s there to catch me when I land.

“I’ve never had anyone cry after I gave them an orgasm,” he jokes.

I trust him. He pulls out the darkest parts of me and loves them until they sparkle.

“I’m going to say something, and I need you to listen to me.” His palm runs down my hair again, and I lean into his touch. His other hand grips my chin, his thumb pressing into my bottom lip. “Being with you is what I like. However you need. However you want. Getting you off gets me off. Feeling you... learning all the different parts of you—” He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “It’s a fucking gift. I’ll be whatever you need me to be.” My chest spasms, stomach warming. Emotion swirls in the center of my gut like fog, unfurling through my body, filling up the empty space. My hand lifts, fingers scratching against his stubble. “And who gets to be what you need?” His eyes flash with heat, his lips turning up in the corner. His hand moves from my chin, skimming up my cheek and wrapping around the back of my neck. Leaning in, his nose brushes against mine, the moment thick with a tender energy. “You’re the only thing I need, little bird.” He says it like a promise, and he seals it with a kiss.

“Please, Oh my God,” I cry. “God can’t hear you.” There’s a clink of a belt buckle. “And I’m not listening.”

“I’ll have you know I just turned down girls’ night for you.” He grins. “Oh?” I nod, chewing slowly. “That’s right. So what are we doing on Friday?” His head cocks to the side. “You don’t work?” A smile splits my cheeks as I shake my head, my ponytail brushing along the top of my back. “Nope. I’m all yours if you want me.” His eyes flash. “I always want you.” My veins heat at his words. “Good.”

“Act weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.” I twist to face him. “What?” “It’s a Sun Tzu quote from The Art of War.” My chest pulls as I hum. Act strong when you are weak. “Yeah, that was me, I guess. Always weak.” Another tear slides down my face, hot and salty as it hits my lips. My tongue peeks out to wipe the moisture away. “But people believe the face you show them. The more I talked, the less they asked. The more I smiled, the less they cared.” “That’s sad, little bird.” “Why do you call me that?” I turn in his arms. He smiles softly, his hand coming up to run down my cheek. “Birds are social animals. They live in flocks, and flourish in the skies. But when they’re put in captivity, they become lonely. Depressed. Aggressive. Sometimes, they show their trauma by never singing again.” My chest aches at his words. “When I first met you, you seemed lonely. Depressed. Aggressive. It made me want to hear you sing.” My breathing thins. His thumb presses into my bottom lip. “Birds aren’t meant to be caged.” He leans down and presses a kiss to my lips. “What stole your song, little bird?” My heart stutters. “I don’t think I can talk about that.” His nostrils flare, his eyes searching mine. “I’m afraid I already know.” Alex isn’t a stupid man. A sob breaks out of me, and he catches it with his lips, sucking in my cries and letting them rest on his tongue. I don’t say any more about it. I can’t. But I don’t need to, because Alex brings me in close and ...

I’m no politician’s son. I gave up that title on the night he killed my child.

I got sober for my son. I’m staying sober for me.

“You can stop singing for everyone in the world, little bird, but not for me.” My grip tightens on her neck, her pulse skittering underneath my palm. “You want to be mad? Be mad. But you stay here with me and you fight.” Her eyes flicker, and my chest tightens. “Are you going to let me explain?” I pull her hair by the root, strong enough where I know she’ll feel the sting, and her eyes flare, raging back to life. Relief worms its way through the beats of my heart. Her hands curl into fists and her pliable body grows rigid. “Explain what, Alexander?” she spits. “How I opened up and shared things with you tonight and thought you did the same only to find out you were engaged to be married?” Her hands smack against my chest, the heat of her hurt singeing through my skin. “I don’t need this.” She pushes against me. My grip on her tightens. “I don’t even know who the fuck you are.” Thunder claps loud enough to make her jump, and I take the opportunity to grasp her waist, pulling her until every inch of her body is flush against me. “You can lie to yourself all you want,” I say. “But don’t lie to me. You want to know the truth? I’ll tell you. You know I will. So what is it that you’re so afraid of hearing?” She scoffs, ripping out of my arms, and rushing into the downpour. I let her, my heart banging against my sternum as harsh as the storm that booms in the air. “God damnit!” I race after her, ignoring the way the rain blinds my vision and chills my skin. “Yes, okay? I wa...

For the first time, my brain isn’t dying to escape, too high in the clouds for me to focus on anything other than the way he’s making me feel. He loves me. And I can feel it with every swipe of his tongue. Every imprint of his fingers as they bruise my fragile skin. I’m not an optimist. There’s no healing for me. Most days it hurts to breathe, and most nights the sleep never comes. But maybe tonight I’ll be granted some relief. A respite from the traumas that have shaped my entire life. Maybe tonight, Alex can be my drug.

“I love you,” I mouth into her skin. My stomach clenches with the silence, but I don’t expect to hear her say it back. I just... need her to know. Her breathing is low and deep. “I love you too,” she whispers. My heart stutters before dropkicking me in the chest and beating double time, happiness suffusing every single cell. She loves me. And with those words I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I want to have a life with her. I will never find another love like Lily. She’s my person. My little bird. And I’ll do everything I can to help her find her song.

I’ve had a lot of people take advantage of me in my life. A lot of trauma I’m not sure I’ll ever truly overcome. A lot of abuse at the hands of men who said they loved me. Love. What a bullshit word. What a bullshit concept. If this is love, I’d rather drown in someone’s hatred. At least then, I’d know what to expect.

“I’m in love with your sister.” His nostrils flare, and he opens his mouth, but I keep talking, rushing out the words so I can get to the point. “I just thought we should get that out of the way. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did. And maybe it’s unprofessional—” “It’s unprofessional as fuck, you sleazy prick,” he cuts in. I smirk. “I won’t deny it. But I love her, and she loves me too.” His eyes narrow. “How do you know?” My hand presses against my chest, hoping that the weight of my palm will help subdue the ache. “Trust me.” My voice pinches. “I know. You can hate me for it all you want, but it doesn’t change the truth.” His brow quirks. “And what truth is that?” “That I stalked her for a paycheck, and then we fell in love, and now I need your help to keep her safe.” “I have always tried to keep her safe,” he hisses. I nod, my eyes softening at the defensiveness in his tone. “I know.”

“I know it sounds crazy. But, Lily isn’t safe here. Not if she’s alone.” He looks to the side, his face trying to hold back the pain that’s clear as day in his features. “She won’t come back with me.” I shake my head. “She will. She’ll find out tomorrow that she’s being evicted.” Chase’s eyes widen, and he jerks forward in his chair. “What?” Running a hand over my face, I cringe. “I may have talked to her landlord. It didn’t take much to convince them, she’s three months behind on rent.” My heart thunks against my chest, knowing she didn’t have the money but was too proud to ask for help—knowing I’m taking advantage of that fact now. “I did what needed to be done.” Chase’s eyes are wide and he shakes his head. “I thought I was an asshole, but you really take the fucking cake.” I shrug. “I don’t want to live in this world if she’s not in it. And I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to her or Chase.” He nods, exhaling through his nose. “No, I get that.” Relief floods through me. “Look, she has demons in Tennessee. Ones she’s afraid of meeting.” Our eyes lock. “I’m trusting you to keep her safe.” He nods. “I need to be sure you understand me.” I step forward, tilting my head. “She isn’t safe here.” “I won’t leave without her.”