The Practice of Groundedness: A Transformative Path to Success That Feeds--Not Crushes--Your Soul

by Brad Stulberg

In philosophy circles, this is known as the Ulysses pact. Its lesson is that when we are faced with great temptation, willpower alone is almost never enough.

It’s astonishing how much of our time, energy, and attention we devote toward tasks that do not serve us well.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON PRESENCE Being present isn’t just about being grounded in the here and now—that is, not being pushed and pulled around by endless distractions—but also about laying a foundation for the future. Presence allows you to actively direct your own personal evolution instead of going wherever the current takes you. It ensures that you are engaged in meaningful productive activity instead of thoughtless and inertia-driven productivity. We also learned that when you are in flow—or long ago what the Buddha called Nirvana and the Taoists called the Way—time seems to evaporate altogether. This makes sense. When you are fully present you aren’t thinking back or ahead. You are not worried about falling behind or everything else that you have to do. You are simply existing in the here and now. As a consequence, when you practice presence you tend to become less rushed and more patient.

4 BE PATIENT AND YOU’LL GET THERE FASTER

The third principle of groundedness is patience. Patience neutralizes our inclination to hurry, rush, and overemphasize acute situations in favor of playing the long game. In doing so, it lends itself to stability, strength, and lasting progress.

Economists call this match quality—or one’s fit for certain types of activities and work. Epstein makes a compelling case that match quality is even more important than grit. After all, if you’re a good fit for what you’re doing, then you’re likely to stick with it.* But once you have already established match quality there is often an equal, if not greater, risk in stopping or changing your approach prematurely.

Small and consistent victories compound over time.

Ease is often a by-product of patience (and of presence too; as mentioned earlier, these principles go hand in hand).

We do things quickly—not better, but quickly—to gain time. But what’s the point if in the time we gain we just do more things quickly? I have yet to meet someone who wants their headstone to read, “He rushed.”

For most consequential endeavors, long-term progress is less about heroic effort and more about smart pacing; less about intensity on any given day and more about discipline over the course of months, and in some cases even years.

Though the exact sweet spot for increasing workload is a matter of scientific debate, the general theme is that you don’t want to increase any given day’s workload to be that much greater than the average of the past month’s. I’ve seen this same principle apply in my executive coaching practice. When people take on too much too soon, or convince themselves that they can suddenly leap upward in output, symptoms of burnout usually loom around the corner.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON PATIENCE There is one final reason why we tend toward speed over patience. Speed can be a defense mechanism. Ceaselessly moving fast and getting swept up in heroic individualism’s propensity to look outward helps us avoid confronting the things we fear most. But no amount of frenetic activity will make them go away. Try as we might, we cannot outrun these fears. They will always catch up. These include what for many is the fear underlying all others: our own mortality, a particularly hard concept to face. In ancient Buddhist texts, there is a parable about a strident deity called Rohitassa, who viewed himself as a hero. On one occasion, Rohitassa asked the Buddha: “Do you think it is possible to escape this world of birth and death, of suffering and discrimination, by means of speed?” The Buddha responded, “No, Rohitassa. It is not possible to escape this world by traveling, even at great speed.” Rohitassa said, “Right you are. In a previous life I traveled extremely fast, as fast as the speed of light. I didn’t eat, sleep, didn’t drink. I did nothing but travel at great speed and I still could not get out of this world. In the end, I died before I could do so.”

By knowing that you don’t know everything, that you don’t always have it together, you become more—not less—robust and grounded. You become stronger and more confident. Social scientists sometimes refer to this paradox as intellectual humility, which can be understood as confidence gained by owning one’s limitations and not being overly concerned with being the best or having power over others. It involves active curiosity about your blind spots and perceived weaknesses. Intellectual humility is associated with greater self-awareness, discernment, and openness to new ideas.

The resounding theme is clear. When we open up with others about our vulnerabilities, we may at first feel weak, lonely, and isolated. Ultimately, however, we gain further strength, confidence, and connection.

The groundbreaking work of Harvard professor and researcher Amy C. Edmondson demonstrates that regardless of the field, the highest-performing teams all exemplify what she calls psychological safety. Psychological safety occurs when team members feel that they are able to show and deploy their whole selves without fear of negative repercussions. Edmondson’s

You may also develop what psychologists call emotional flexibility, or the capacity to experience a wider range of emotions and more easily transition between them without losing your ground.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON VULNERABILITY Vulnerability means leaning into our soft spots, perceived weaknesses, and the things that we fear most. Vulnerability is hard work, which explains why we put up walls around our hearts and harden our souls. Though we may think this makes us stronger, we are mistaken. It actually makes us weaker; it makes us fragile. When we do not fully know ourselves we cannot fully trust ourselves. And when we cannot fully trust ourselves, we cannot be strong, confident, and grounded, at least not in a genuine manner. Vulnerability also builds trust with others, but only if it is authentic and raw, not performative. This isn’t about sharing that your biggest weakness is that you try too hard at your job or that you sometimes stay up too late at night. It’s about sharing that you’ve experienced depression. That you’ve lost a child. That you’ve been through a divorce. That you’ve failed at projects you care deeply about. That you’re scared about getting sick. That you’re scared to die. There is, of course, a time and a place to share these vulnerabilities. It’s probably not the first time you meet someone, or your first week at a new job. But far more often than not, people lean away from appropriate expressions of vulnerability when it would be beneficial to lean into them. Life is too short to go around pretending. The more real you can get with both yourself and others, even if you do so gradually, the better. On the other side of these insecurities and ...

6 BUILD DEEP COMMUNITY

For this reason, Cacioppo and other experts define loneliness broadly, as a desire for connections that you do not have.

The fifth principle of groundedness is deep community. Heroic individualism’s incessant drive to be “productive,” “optimized,” and “efficient” often crowds out time and energy otherwise spent forging close bonds, both to other people and to traditions, crafts, and lineages that provide a sense of belonging. The irony is that these close bonds not only make us feel better and make the world a better place, but they help us perform better, too.

Junger’s observation of soldiers aligns with decades of research conducted on the fundamental elements that drive human motivation, satisfaction, and fulfillment. This body of work has coalesced into self-determination theory, or SDT for short. SDT demonstrates that humans thrive when three basic needs are met: Autonomy, or the ability to have at least some control over how we spend our time and energy. Competence, or a path toward tangible improvement in our chosen pursuits. Relatedness, or a sense of connection and belonging.

The remainder of this chapter argues that we are most satisfied when we fulfill both of these essential drives: an inner feeling of belonging and appropriate outward contact with other people. It argues that these two drives, which taken together I call deep community, complement and strengthen one another, resulting in a more profound and resolute groundedness.

Here’s how this works. When you start to experience chronic loneliness, your baseline perception of threat increases. Think back to evolution: if you didn’t have a group surrounding you, the pressure to stay safe and secure would fall solely on your shoulders. You’d constantly be scanning for danger, perhaps even forgoing sleep. Unfortunately, someone who feels constantly under threat and is worried about themselves has a harder time being empathetic toward and connecting with others. This initiates a vicious cycle, causing even more loneliness.

The Pew Research Center, a nonpartisan polling organization and think tank, first started tracking social media use in 2005. At the time, about 5 percent of Americans were active on social media. In 2020, that number is close to 70 percent, and most indications are that it will continue to rise. Whether you like it or not, social media is a significant facet of modern life.

Pain isn’t the only contagious emotion. Researchers from Yale University closely monitored nearly five thousand people living in the small town of Framingham, Massachusetts, for more than three decades. They found that when someone became happy or sad, that emotion rippled throughout the entire town. Emotions even spread virtually. Another study, aptly titled “I’m Sad You’re Sad,” found that if you are in a negative mood when you text-message your partner, they are likely to pick up on it and experience a lower mood state themselves. The same is true of Facebook posts, according to research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Emotions like happiness, sadness, and anger spread like wildfire on the platform. (Not that you needed a study to prove this.) Another study, published in the journal Motivation and Emotion, showed that even below-the-surface emotions, such as motivation, are contagious. If someone is working in the same room as others who are internally driven, that person’s attitude improves. If, however, someone is working in the same room with those who aren’t too excited about their work, then that person’s motivation decreases. A

Flanagan benefited as much from the Shalane Flanagan Effect as anyone. “Even in such a grueling individual sport, I realized that I could feel grounded in community,” she told me. “If you’re lonely at the top, you’re doing it wrong. High performers focus on pulling others up. They are generous as they rise and create a tribe.” It

Greek philosopher Aristotle outlined three different kinds of friendship: Friendships based on utility, or those in which one or both of the parties gain something as a result of the friendship. This is akin to the modern “networking” enterprise, or becoming friends with someone primarily because you think they can help you. Friendships based on pleasure, or those centered around pleasant experiences. These are the people with whom you have an enjoyable and carefree time. Friendships based on virtue, or those in which both individuals share the same values. These are bonds with people you admire and respect, with whom you align on what you find most important in life.

Ed Catmull cofounded Pixar Animation Studios and led it throughout its ascendency and ultimate acquisition by the Walt Disney Company in 2006. Catmull, who retired in 2019, is considered one of the most successful leaders in any creative industry. Key to Pixar’s success is what he calls developing a Braintrust, or a group of people with whom you can regularly meet to help you identify problems and give you candid feedback. This Braintrust is “an enormously beneficial and efficient entity,” Catmull writes in his memoir, Creativity, Inc. “Even in its earliest meetings, I was struck by how constructive the feedback was. Each of the participants focused on the film at hand and not on some hidden personal agenda. . . . The members saw each other as peers.” We can all benefit from a Braintrust. The deeper we get into our own big projects—be

Catmull suggests a few guiding principles for creating a Braintrust. They hold true in both professional and personal contexts: Include only individuals whom you trust and who you are confident can be completely honest with you—even, and perhaps especially, if that means telling you things that you don’t want to hear. Include people who are solutions-oriented. The goal isn’t just to point out problems, but to come up with solutions and a viable path forward. Include those who have been there before. Surround yourself with people who have experience in what you are going through. Out of this experience comes knowledge and, equally important, empathy.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON DEEP COMMUNITY The Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that we are each like a wave in water. While it is easy to get caught up in the experience of being a wave—how we rise, crest, fall, and move with the tide—it is important to remember where a wave comes from and goes back to, and what a wave actually is: water. When we get too caught up in our own rising and falling—too hell-bent on optimization, productivity, and efficiency—we neglect the water from which we come, and the result is a quick path to loneliness and suffering. When there is no water, a wave literally loses itself. Our social connections and our sense of belonging—our deep community—influence everything from our physical and mental health to our performance to our life satisfaction and fulfillment. We evolved to be in community. It is what holds us as we rise and fall. When we neglect it, we do so at great cost. Like all the other principles of groundedness, deep community is an ongoing practice. It takes time and effort to build and sustain. Acceptance, presence, patience, and especially vulnerability help to create and sustain deep community. In turn, deep community becomes the supportive space for all the other principles to flourish. “In my tradition we learn that as individuals we cannot do much. That is why . . . taking refuge in the community is a very strong and important practice,” says Hanh. “Without being in a [community], without being supported by a group of friends who are mo...

7 MOVE YOUR BODY TO GROUND YOUR MIND

In the 1640s, French philosopher René Descartes introduced what came to be known as Cartesian dualism, or the idea that although materially connected, the mind and body are separate entities. This thinking dominated for more than 350 years. It wasn’t until the turn of the twenty-first century that scientists began to prove that Descartes was mistaken. We do not have a distinct mind and body. Rather, we are an integrated mind-body system.

For exercisers to experience flow, they must “keep their minds into what they are doing,” writes Pirkko Markula, a professor of physical activity at the University of Alberta in Canada.

This parallels a theory put forth by the author and habit expert Charles Duhigg: movement is a “keystone habit,” or positive practice in one area of life that brings about positive changes in others.

The key to improving physical fitness lies in adhering to a concept called progressive overload. You work a specific muscle or function in a specific manner, progressively adding intensity and duration over time. Hard days are followed by easy days. Prolonged periods of intensity are followed by prolonged periods of recovery. Repetition and consistency are key. Results don’t occur overnight but after months, and even years. As mentioned in chapter 4, if you rush the process or try to do too much too soon, your chances of injury and overtraining increase. There is no escaping or denying this. Your body simply lets you know. You learn patience, in your tendons and bones.

Consider a study from Stanford University. Aptly titled “Give Your Ideas Some Legs,” it asked participants to engage in mentally fatiguing tasks. One group took a break during which the participants sat and stared at a wall. Another group went on a six-to fifteen-minute walk during their break. After the break, both groups were tested for their creative insight. The participants who took the short walk demonstrated a 40 percent increase in creative insight over those who didn’t.

Shifting your mindset to view exercise as a part of your job is a good start, but you still need to execute on it. There are two main ways to integrate movement into your life: You can set aside a protected time for physical activity such as walking, running, cycling, swimming, gardening, climbing, dancing, going to the gym, or yoga. You can build movement into the regular flow of your day. At a minimum, you want to be consistent about at least one of these ways. Ideally, you’ll use a combination of both. For example, perhaps you go to the gym or work out in your basement three days per week, go for a longer walk or hike on the weekend, and then try to stay generally active on all the other days. But there is no magic formula. When it comes to movement, my golden rule is this: Move your body often, sometimes hard; every bit counts.

This is like "exercise snacks"

The aforementioned studies focused on walking, but there seems to be no reason that the same benefits wouldn’t be true for other forms of movement, such as push-ups, squats, or yoga. Whether done in two-minute, five-minute, or ten-minute bursts, the message is clear: small micro-movements throughout the day add up. Per the golden rule of physical activity, move your body often, sometimes hard; every bit counts.

The best time to work out is the time that you’ll consistently stick with. Some people prefer working out in the morning, others during lunch, and still others in the evening. There is no compelling evidence that says any of these times are better than the others.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON MOVEMENT Movement has been an essential part of our species’ history. Only recently have sedentary lifestyles in the name of so-called efficiency taken hold, the rise of which parallels the rise of chronic disease, mental illness, and burnout. By no means is movement a panacea for all that ails us, but it can certainly help. In addition to supporting physical health, mental health, and well-being, movement reinforces all the other principles of groundedness. It teaches us to accept discomfort, to be present in our bodies, to be patient and consistent on the slow path to progress, and to be vulnerable when we are challenging ourselves and risking failure. It is also a powerful way to build deep community and forge connections. When you regularly move your body, you come to more fully inhabit it, wherever you are. For all of these reasons, to be grounded is to move.

Part 2 LIVING A GROUNDED LIFE

8 FROM PRINCIPLES TO ACTION

Earlier on we discussed cognitive dissonance, or the tension and distress that emerges when you have inconsistencies between your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs on the one hand and your actions on the other. The discomfort that accompanies cognitive dissonance serves as an alert that you either need to change your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs to better reflect your actions, or you need to change your actions to better reflect your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Put more simply, experiencing cognitive dissonance is often a sign that you need to better align your being and your doing. In Parker’s case, he was confident in his being, but he needed to bring more intentionality to his daily actions.

The more complex you make something, the easier it is to get excited about, talk about, and maybe even get started—but the harder it is to stick with over the long haul. Complexity gives you excuses and ways out and endless options for switching things up all the time. Simplicity is different. You can’t hide behind simplicity. You have to show up, day in and day out, and work toward your desired changes. Your successes hit you in the face. But so do your failures. This kind of quick and direct feedback allows you to learn what works and adjust what doesn’t.

person. Data is not the plural of anecdote.

Developing new habits (or stopping old ones) is hard. We are creatures of routine. This is reflected by a term in ancient Eastern psychology called habit energy, which refers to the personal and social inertia that shapes much of our everyday doing. Habit energy is the way that we’ve always done things and what the culture implicitly and explicitly promotes. It is the current that drives our lives. “Habit energy is stronger than we are,” says Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh. “It is pushing us all the time.” Fighting against habit energy is akin to swimming against the current; it is an exhausting and losing endeavor. Fortunately, we don’t always need to fight against habit energy. We can shape it to work in our favor, to support the integration of our being and doing.

The most recent psychological science supports the age-old concept of habit energy. It shows that relying on willpower alone to grind your way to new habits lowers both performance and sustainability.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON MOVING FROM PRINCIPLES TO ACTION Just about anyone can focus on meaningful actions every once in a while, particularly after profound moments of insight. But lasting transformation is the result of consistent, ongoing, and daily practice. In this chapter, we learned how to align our being with our doing. We also learned about common pitfalls that occur when trying to shift our habit energy. We discussed the value of selectively watering seeds of groundedness via small, simple, and specific actions. We examined how intentionally designing our surroundings in a way that promotes those actions is more effective than relying on sheer force of will. We explored concrete plans to water each seed not just in formal practice but in everyday life, and considered the exponential power of undertaking this journey with the support of others. The next and final chapter circles back to why adopting the principles of groundedness is so vital, for both individuals and society as a whole. We’ll also see how when it comes to realizing a more grounded kind of success there is no destination. The path is the goal and the goal is the path. The urgent, imperative, and at times difficult task is simply to stay on it.

Practice means approaching an endeavor deliberately, with care, and with the intention to continually grow. It requires paying close attention to the feedback you receive—both internal and from external sources you trust—and adjusting accordingly.

Viewing something as an isolated activity lends itself to “good” and “bad” judgments, forgetfulness, and discontinuity. Viewing something as a practice lends itself to continual learning, meaningful change, and integration.